Sweet Zombie Jesus

Things have been slow with convention coverage. I did get to watch a 53-6 bee-atching at a high school football game.

This is disconcerting:

(via PZ)

I'm just trying to piss off Bill Donohue. It's not a hobby or anything, but whatever I can do to help.

Your Bored and Tired leader.

Until I Get My Vengance, I Will Never End This Mayhem

This will probably be my last post for a couple of weeks due to douchenozzles who think breaking windows and blowing up cars isn't violence.

Speaking of violence, I'm looking forward to this game. I don't normally like commercials, but every once in a while one tickles me. If you want to make me laugh, take a gangster rap style song and play it in a different style. For example:



In more serious news, I've intercepted a report from a clandestine lab:

On one hand, this could be incredibly scary, especially considering the cat I recently posted about. On the other hand, it is certainly possible that cats always want human flesh. In any case, keep your eyes open.

The DNC is in Denver, so of course in nearby Boulder:

And speaking of the DNC; Your music between speakers sucks. Royally blows. "Celebrate?" "Isn't She Lovely?" Now, the crowd seemed to be enjoying the songs (which made me incredibly sad), but let's spice it up a little. With the recent announcement that the Democratic Party is a "party of faith," maybe Stevie Wonder's "Superstitious" would be a good choice.

And CNN, explain the Noise from the Floor graphic and why it randomly goes up and down independent of the cheers and applause of the crowd. It's really annoying (unless you don't have HD, in which case you are spared).

Your Strained Segue leader.

L'affaire la Fair

This is my 200th post. It only took 2 years and 5 months. Yeah!



What could possibly bring this many people out in Minnesota? Well, it was the most beautiful day in the history of Earth. Or could it be?

Yep, it's the Minnesota State Fair. Home of hot chicks eating corn and weird dudes eating buffalo kabobs.

I must say that a fun part of the Fair is interacting with the media. For example, Amy Hockert is far hotter in person than on TV, even in HD.

Apparently, so is Sven Sundgaard.



Animals are another big part of the Fair. We have a lot of fish in Minnesota, and each type is kept in this one pool. I didn't see any of those creepy Asian carp that can walk on land, so that's a good sign.


Here's a tiny hobbit-horse


There was a bit of excitement when the sheep made a run for it in front of the orchestra conductor.

Run, you wool machines! Run like there's a Welshman behind you!


Those sheep may be heroes to this little lamb.


Oh, all that walking gets tiring.


And no day is complete without looking at chicks.


See what I did there? Yeah, you do.

Well, post 200 was about as great as all of my other posts.

Your 200 More leader.

I'm So Sad, I'm So Happy

I just learned that Snot is dead. Anyone who has been to a Renaissance Festival knows of Puke 'n' Snot. If you'd seen there routine once, you knew what it was about, but that didn't stop people from seeing them every year. This is too bad. May his body never rise up to crave the flesh of the living.

In happier news, I just read that the Rock Band equipment will work with Guitar Hero: World Tour. This is a sign of cooperation and respect between two rival game companies. Maybe there is hope for Georgia and Russia.

And finally, the dream of every right-wing radio nutjob:



Your One Less Bodily Function leader.

He Are The Champions

Well, I can't say it better than Mark Spitz, but Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time. Way to go, and a big atta boy/girl to the rest of the U.S. swimmers, who brought in 29 medals, including 10 golds. As it stands now, the U.S. has 17 gold medals, and 8 of them belong to one guy. Almost half. Amazing.

There's nothing cooler than sitting in a bar full of people who erupt in cheers as an American swimmer wins the 100 meter butterfly by 1/100 of a second. To put it in perspective, it took you a lot longer than 1/100of a second to read this post to this point. So think about that.

Anyway, the Canadian women lost a hard fought soccer match to the American squad, so GO U.S.A.!

Your Luch Time is Over leader.

What's In Your Head?

This picture was brought to my attention by Ganesha at Pubhouse Dialogues:


He thought it might be The Hillock, but clearly this cat is not the size of a small province.

As for the message, summer brings out zombies. Something about the position of the sun and UV rays is amenable to the walking dead. So there's nothing to worry about. Unless the cat lives in the southern hemisphere.

Um, if you live with this cat and you're in the southern hemisphere, please let me know immediately.

I'd also like to take a moment to give belated thanks to Tild for her DiscordianStooge Brand crate label:

Special notice should be given to the "K" on the Golden Apple. That shows deeper knowledge of Discordianism that I would have thought Tild might have. I salute her. Although I don't know where Moe came from there.

Your Kallisti leader.

Didn't I Teach You That?

I'm no soccer expert, but I didn't need an expert to figure out that getting sent off in the 3rd minute isn't conducive to victory. Don't elbow a guy in front of the ref. Especially a German ref.

I did find it surprising that the crowd at the match seemed to be for the U.S.

Well, I can be happy that the U.S. women play Canada on Friday. I won't feel as guilty for watching Canada.

Your Agony of Defeat leader.

I'm A Bad Boy For Breakin' Her Heart

I was not impressed with the U.S. Olympic teams today. Sure, the soccer team drew The Netherlands 2-2, but they clearly should have won and glided into the next round. (Hint: There is an HD-Only Olympic soccer channel, at least on DirecTV Dish Network. Basketball too) I have also become suddenly interested in seeing more of the Canadian women's soccer team after cathing the end of their game last night.

And the girls gymnastics team kept falling off of things. I'm not real knowledgeable in gymnastics, but I'm sure falling is bad.

And while the men's basketball team scored a solid victory over China, they should never lose an Olympic game ever.

Finally, I was surprised to see President Bush appear in front of a picture of Mao Tse-dong during an interview on NBC. I wish he could explain why talking to China is the best way to fight their abysmal human rights record, but talking to anyone else evil is worthless.

Let's see some swimming medals, my fellow Americans, to save the day!

Your We Can Do Better leader.

Update: Way to go, guys, on the 4x100 freestyle. France ain't smashing anything today.

I Wish I Was On The Highway

The Olympics are here again! (My title is a cheat: it's from the song "Olympia, WA" by Rancid)

Go U.S., go Germany, go Czechs (The Germans and Czechs are my people too) and go all of those little countries that rarely win medals. I see Chinese Taipei has already won a medal. Good for them.

Sunday is Handball Day. I can't wait.

Your Global Goodwill (At least for a week) leader.

Crescent Fresh

Public Service Announcement ahead!!!!!

Closed circuit to the guy who needs to get to llama school:



And in case you've forgotten what Crescent Fresh means.



Your Super Cres leader.

Zombie Haiku

This is not entertaining at all. It is horrifying and should be investigated.

Twins In First

The Twins are in 1st place.

This has been another edition of Twins In First.

That is all. (With apologies to Jeff)

Dream Of Californication

Charley Q has a suggestion for John McCain on the VP front. I think it's brilliant, but I'd rather Gardsie stay right where he is.

Since I don't have Showtime, I just started watching the David Duchovney comedy "Californication" on DVD last night. It is the funnies show I've seen in a while, and there are plenty of boobies to be seen. could one ask for anything more?

Dear History Channel: I understand that Michael Crichton wrote a popular book a while ago, but could you help the world wean itself off using the word "Jurassic" to mean dinosaur or, god help us, simply big. Renaming "Jurassic Fight Club" would be a good start.

Have a pleasant week.

Your Working Too Much leader.

Fuck Your Blog ... Wait, What?

Marty does it again.



This could be a great book. I just hope Marty isn't planning to run for Senate in 30 years, because man will there be a lot of fodder for his opponent to choose from.

Your Not Self-Important leader.

Legal Speed, The American Way

I could really go for a triple espresso over ice right now. I'll put a hold on the kerosene and matches for the time being.

Your Caffinated leader.

Attention!!!!111!11

I have decided not to run for Senate.

That is all.

Jump Right Off The Face Of It

I just got my LappDogg Records compilation onto my iPod, and so was reminded of "Sky Diver" by Schtum. Do you believe that there are no lyrics for the song anywhere on the Internet? No matter. I was able to find the video. Revel in the Rock!



Your I've Got to Have Some Hope leader.

Takin' What They're Givin'

The Catholic Church needs your money. They need to replace several bejeweled crosses and rings that were stolen.

Wait. This just in - The priceless relics were found - In a cardboard box in the closet. Well, the church still needs your money to get a new safe and more bejeweled crosses, just like the ones Jesus had.

In more important news, Wal-Mart might have to pay its workers *gasp* overtime. Well-known right-wing radio nut-job Jason Lewis decried the ruling. He mentioned a rape case in St. Paul, and complained that instead of stopping rape, the authorities are going after Wal-Mart for making workers skip breaks. Boo-hoo, he says. Well, Lewis fills in for someone who makes $50 million a year, so I can see that skipping a break for that kind of money might make sense.

Well, for one, the people who look into corporate lawsuits aren't going to be stopping rape. Also, Wal-Mart was mostly hit for making people work off the clock.

Also, she was asked to work before or after she was clocked in. When asked by one of the attorneys why, when she was asked to work off the clock, she did it, Simonson said: "When your boss tells you to do something, you do it."

Jason, you've often praised America for being one of the first countries to abolish slavery. What exactly do you call being forced to work without pay? I know that it's tough to work 3 hours a day. Imagine if when you filled in for Rush, Clear Channel also asked you to do your own show and didn't pay you extra. You wouldn't stand for it. Forcing people to work without pay under threat of losing your job is slavery, and apparently you're not as against slavery as you portray yourself to be.

Lewis hates unions, but this is what happened before unions came along, and it's starting again as union membership wanes. Who could possibly have seen this coming?

Your Good Day's Work For A Good Day's Pay leader.

I'm Voting Republican

Honeymoon Part 2: Paris

So, after London, we tunneled under the North Sea and ended up in Paris, the Most Romantic City on Earth. I figure it's romantic because of all of the collonnes.


How can you not be in a romantic mood with all of those giant phalluses all over the place.

Of course, the biggest phallic symbol of all, la Tour l'Eiffel.

I was feeling a bit inadequate in that photo.

We stayed near the jardin des tuileries. They tell me jardin is French for Garden. Here's a picture of a French garden.

In contrast, here are some shots from the rose garden in Hyde Park in London.

Just sayin'.

Here's us making the garden much prettier.

The Seine, the Most Romantic River on Earth.


Champs Elysee, the Most Romantic Street on Earth.

Of course, inside of the Pantheon is the Most Romantic Pendulum Clock ... you get the point.

The Pantheon was interesting. It's a secular church. The French inter their most beloved artists, philosophers and statesmen in the crypt below. I'm impressed that artists and writers are so revered in France that they are given a place of honor that isn't Graceland. They have great debates in Parliament on whether certain people should be let in. On the other hand, if we had that here, Hemingway would be interred next to Notorious B.I.G., so maybe it's for the best we don't have this.

This picture was taken expressly for Chris.

It was some kind of frozen food shop, not a starship factory.

Here we have the Arc de Triomph.

And here is the less popular Arc de Stalemate.


Of course everyone knows about the exquisite french cuisine. I must admit, this was one of the best meals I've ever eaten.

That's a hamburger patty with an egg on top. No shit, it's absolutely fantastic.

Most people don't know that Joan of Arc turned to stone seconds before she burned to death, and is kept at Notre Dame until technology can turn her back.

Finally, the Lourve. What can I say? I love museums, but not when I can't read anything written about the pieces. Yes, it's in France, but I've seen museums with descriptions written in 20 different languages, so my guess is it's possible to write in other than French.

As an aside, if you can't read French and/or don't like museums, you can skip the Louvre and still claim you went there. If anyone asks what it was like, just say the Mona Lisa was smaller than you thought it would be. Anyone who has seen it will believe you saw it.

Yep. That's it, with half of a human head as a scale.

Well, that's all for France. We actually took about 230 pictures, but I don't have the tenacity to come up with a funny caption for that many pictures. Hell, I wasn't able to do it for the ones I posted.

Your Bon Soir leader.