Baptismal Blood

Now, I'm not really a metal guy, but I realize I've been remiss in mentioning my buddy's band, Epicurean, which certainly is a bunch of metal guys.

I mention it now because I want to be the first person on the net to have the term Cuntface Razorhands, The Hate Pope on my blog. (You'll need to highlight that line if you want to read it. It's really offensive, even for me. In fact, if you aren't Mark or one of the band guys, you probably should not highlight it. It includes the term "Hate Pope," and that's the printable part.)

I hear the hot new thing the hip kids do to be hip is to smoke a fat joint and watch "Life," and pretend to understand what Det. Crews is talking about.

Your Just Got Back From A Bachelor Party leader.

Vikings 2-4

I'm with this guy.

But She Said, "I'm Sure You're Mistaken"

I've not written for a while. I've been in mourning. Now, I'm usually on the side of a union, but I am left wondering if these guys realized that they are professional lacrosse players, and should be grateful just to be able to eat every day.

This article left me feeling sad for people. It's about changes in Minnesota funeral law. The first line left me scratching my head. Is it beneath the dignity of a dead man to ride in the back of a pickup truck? Really? this is what we're worried about? The dead man, well, he's dead, and really has no dignity.

The State Health Guy in charge of mortuary science, David Beneke, says the changes were made to, "prevent someone from disposing of a dead body in an unacceptable manner, such as a funeral pyre." He then adds, "If there was a group that was doing this continuously for 25 years, we would allow it." Which means that there can be no new funeral traditions ever again. And besides, what's wrong with a funeral pyre? It was good enough for the folks in the old country.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but there is no logical reason to restrict how a body can be disposed of except that the people who get paid to dispose of the bodies want to keep getting paid. There are illogical reasons, like, oh, this:

Benke said the law still would allow a body to be transported in a van or an SUV. But the state wants to prohibit bodies transported in pickup trucks or trailers, even if they are covered.

"We don't think that's respectful to the deceased," he said.

It's not the Health Department's job to tell me what is respectful to my dead family member. If it is unhealthy for a corpse to be placed in the back of an open truck, make the case. Leave respect for the dead to people who know the dead.

Considering that morticians can get a religious waver for some rules, I'm guessing the rules have little to do with public health. Although it wouldn't be the first time that religious beliefs were used to fight against public health.

Finally, this story makes me feel better about macing squirrels on my back porch.

Your Bring Out Your Dead leader.

A Looming Threat

I knew I started reading PubHouse Dialogues for a reason. Ganesha has received shocking video footage of new Zombie "Rules of Engagement" in their attempt to devour all of Minneapolis and deprive its citizens of beer and nachos.

I saw some of this action on city surveillance while downtown on Saturday night. Apparently someone leaked to the Zombies that I would be confined to the Warehouse District on foot for the evening. With their arch-nemesis otherwise occupied, the Zombies descended on the Cedar-Riverside area.

Here are some more shocking photos the soulless creatures released. Obviously, Jeremy at Afterglide is a state enemy. I will be keeping watch on his site, and you should too. Only together can we stop the Zombie Menace from destroying our upper-lower-middle-class way of life (Excluding Spotty, who lives in Edina).

Also, someone should really tell him that the plural of "cul-de-sac" is "culs-de-sac," not "cul-de-sacs." This lack of knowledge of the French language clearly shows that no détente is possible.

Your Fight the Good Fight leader.

Jump, Jive an' Wail

The Greatest Generation shows that they could do it better. They played chess with their captives? What a bunch of pussies. A "Battle of wits?" What, were these guys French interrogators? Well, one became a history professor, so that's all you need to know.

But that's OK. We don't torture anyone. Except when we do.

How will the right smear our WWII veterans and come out looking better than before? We'll have to wait and see.

Your Waterboard leader.

Trample on Your Yesterdays

("God And Money" - Ike Reily Assassination)

Anyone interested in working with Gil Grissom? It doesn't pay enough for me, and I don't think I could live in Nevada. Hurry, though. The job closes the 10th.

Me too.

I think he deserved more than 5 months. Although, whomever named the ostrich Gaylord should be punished too.

Good Night.

Your Slow Week leader.

I Got Real Scars

A question for John McCain; Is he worried that a non-Christian might actually get elected President in his lifetime (Or mine, for that matter)? Why would this question even be asked?

Quote: "I prefer someone who I know who has a solid grounding in my faith." That's fine. I'd prefer that too, although it's not realistic in America at the moment. It also isn't in the Top 10 of things look at, so no matter.

Next quote: "The Mormon religion is a religion that I don't share, but I respect. More importantly, I've known so many people of the Mormon faith who have been so magnificent," So you prefer someone of your own faith, or a Mormon. Also, I'm sure you know people of many other faiths (and none at all) who are magnificent, so we'll count them in as OK for President.

Another: "I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and to defend our political values." Muslims: Also in.

So now we see that John McCain would prefer someone with a "solid grounding" in his own faith, but you could practice Shinto for all he cares if you do good things or defend your political values.

McCain managed to piss of non-Christians while basically saying that he doesn't really care about a candidate's religion. The worst part is he was obviously trying to say he does care about a candidate's religion, and got so caught up in political double-speak that he didn't even get that right. What he actually said is how it should be. What he was trying to say is what makes politics and religion such a fun mix.

The best quote of the whole article: "(The) Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation." Wow. You can argue that the Founders were all Christians. You can argue that America was founded as a Christian nation. But the lack of mention of God or Christ in the Constitution makes it impossible to use that document as an argument for those things.

If I were making a Christian nation, I'd be sure to mention Christ at some point, and I'm not nearly as smart as the Founding Fathers. Gouverneur Morris could have thrown in Christ or God right between "justice" and "domestic Tranquility." He didn't.

I once liked McCain politically. Then he cozied up to a guy who smeared him in some pretty unforgivable ways just to win an election. Now, apparently, McCain is going to try and win back the religious nuts whom he lost by calling Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson what they were back when he was still a politician one could look up to. And he's doing a poor job of it.

Way to go, Senator.

Your More Perfect Union leader.

A Year Behind the Meme

I have a few new blogs added to the old 'roll.

Two Knives, which is not at all based on "The Simpsons," but is instead a young lady fed up with the extent to which our consumerist society is controlled by advertising. We had a nice argument tonight before we realized we were saying the exact same thing. Happens to me all of the time.

(Strangely, of all of the crap on YouTube, there is no clip of "The Simpsons" where Moe talks about how great it is to have two knives)

Next we have PubHouse Dialogues, which, if nothing else, showed me that I didn't know how to spell "dialogue." Also, there's something called "Fat Man Ranting," which is apparently like a 3 hour 5 minute podcast. (It's late and I have to watch "The Office," so I didn't actually listen to the whole thing. Or more than about 2 minutes. Sue me.) And dialogue still looks wrong to me, but Webster says it's correct.

Finally, here's Zesticle. The name itself is enough to draw me in, but the writing reminded me a bit of Kevin-M. Now, Kevin-M hasn't been writing much in the last year, so a replacement is in order. (Don't worry - Insomnia Report is not leaving the blogroll yet.) This post reminded me of some conversations I've had with Mark, which isn't always a good thing.

So there's that.

Now, I got an iPod. Finally. So I'm going to play a little game that I vaguely remember people doing a while back. In my defense, The Onion does this as an interview tool. So, a random selection of songs (Note: I'm not done filling the iPod yet)

1. "Four of Two" - They Might Be Giants
From their children's album, "NO!," this is a cute song about a guy who believes the woman he loves will be coming in mere minutes. Unfortunately, he bases this on a clock that is apparently stuck at the titular time. The song mentions "gigantic metal bugs," which makes me like it.

2. "The Piano Has Been Drinking" - Tom Waits
Anthropomorphic barroom items with serious flaws. Or maybe the singer is just projecting...

3. "You Don't Know" - Reel Big Fish
From the less ska oriented "Why Do They Rock So Hard?", a fuck you to people who can't accept that some people have different tastes in music. Interestingly, Goldfinger has basically the same song that came out around the same time. I like them both.

4. "Walk Unafraid" - R.E.M.
From my favorite album, "Up." Not my favorite song. A song about forging one's own path, and learning from mistakes. I think. Like most songs on the album, it's a little vague.

5. "Duty Free" - Cracker
An Ike Reilly cover. Who knew that those even existed? Actually, it's a re-imagining, as the lyrics are mostly different, except for the line, There are some lines that can't be crossed/But sometimes, those lines get lost. The tune is the same, and both songs have their merits. Interestingly, this isn't listed as a single on Cracker's wikipedia page, yet I only know this song from hearing it on the radio.

That's enough for now. Nothing too embarrassing, and Tom Waits gives me a little music cred, I think.

Wow. Something called Perez Hilton is on TV. I must get away from it. See ya.

Your Add, Then Take Away leader.

There Was A Place, And The Name Of The Place Escapes Me

("Someday I Suppose" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones)

Robert Jordan died a few days ago. I never read his Wheel of Time series. For one, I had heard it was very dense. Also, I assumed that it would never end, or Jordan would die before he could finish it. I get enough lack of closure from TV cancellations. For once, I was right. Jordan didn't finish his last book. Sucks for fans. Sucks for his family that he died too.

Professor fired for not believing in fairy tales. Why isn't the right attacking this firing for being anti-Catholic? Catholics don't believe the Bible is literal. Are they allowed to express that belief in Des Moines without being fired? From the story: "So it'd be no different than saying the world was not created in six days in science class." Of course there are places where saying that would get you run out of town, so we'll see if they accept that argument.

The truth about cats.

Your Someday I Suppose leader.

What Pattern Does A Scottish Pirate Wear? Arrrrrrgyle

It begins. International Talk Like A Pirate Day is about to begin here in the Central Daylight Time Zone. Arr, me mateys. We shall tell jokes that will make yer skin boil and yer blood crawl.

Why couldn't the young pirate see the movie? It was rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

How does a pirate poison someone? He uses arrrrrrsenic.

What do pirates do when they disagree? They arrrrrrrrrrrrgue.

How does a pirate keep his refrigerator smelling fresh? Arrrrrrrrrm and Hammer.

What happened to the pirate who broke a minor rule while serving in the Navy? He got an Arrrrrrrrrticle 15. (Bet you didn't see that one coming)

And as a Navy man, the college football game he most looked forward to was against Arrrrrrrrrmy.

He got tickets to see the Arrrrrmy/Navy game once. He sat on the 50 yarrrrrrrd line.

What is a pirate's favorite drink? Rum, of course.

The pirate doesn't mix rum with Diet Coke, though. Know why? It has arrrrrrtificial sweeteners.

What kind of music do pirates like? Arrrrrr & B.

And the pirate's favorite Arrrrrr & B singer? Arrrrrrrrrrr Kelly.

Our pirate likes to tell jokes as well. He doesn't tell them very well, though. One joke he likes ends like this: "Arrrrrnge you glad I didn't say banana again?"

I will update throughout the day.


Your One Day for Pirate Puns leader.

More Than All You Can Eat

Mr. President, can you find a sovereign nation on a map?



Quick, someone donate a map for the president!

I ate at a little bistro in downtown Mpls last night called Fogo de Chao (apologies to Brazilians; I don't know how to make the little squiggly over the "a"). Wow.

The idea behind the place is meat. Many kinds. As much as you want. Delivered to the table by guys in gaucho pants. For $50, it's worth checking out, but man is that a lot of food. And they don't relent in bringing the meat. Ever. Bring an appetite, and maybe a treadmill for working out afterwards.

Speaking of meat, an assessment of people;



Your Meat leader.

Vikings 1-1

Worst ... Game ... Ever!

There may be some good that came of the game, though.

2 Posts in One Day

This is really unprecedented, but I had a few questions about something I read over at the Cucking Stool. Apparently, the gloriously unfunny Kathy Griffin decided that thanking God and Jesus wasn't the way to go after (*sigh*) receiving an Emmy for her (*sigh*) "reality" show, (oh come on, seriously? *sigh*) "My Life on the D-List."

“A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this. He had nothing to do with this,” Griffin said in her acceptance speech. “Suck it, Jesus. This award is my God now.”

Now the Catholic League got pissed about this, calling it "hate speech." The Emmy people caved like a cheap card table, leading Bill Donohue to applaud censorship -

“The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences reacted responsibly to our criticism of Kathy Griffin’s verbal assault on 85 percent of the U.S. population. The ball is now in Griffin’s court. The self-described ‘complete militant atheist’ needs to make a swift and unequivocal apology to Christians. If she does, she will get this issue behind her. If she does not, she will be remembered as a foul-mouthed bigot for the rest of her life.”

Here's the question; Why is this hate speech? She didn't say, "Suck it, Catholics." I mean, Jesus would have a right to be offended if he weren't dead or imaginary, depending on the reference you use, but she did not direct her statements towards Christians in general, did she? She made an insult towards an individual, not a group. How does that make her a bigot? Also, if the award is her god, isn't this censoring religious speech?

Here's another interesting quote:

“It is sure bet that if Griffin had said, ‘Suck it, Muhammad,’ there would have been a very different reaction from the crowd and from the media who covered this event. To say nothing of the Muslim reaction.”

This quote is valid. If she had said this, Muslims would be denouncing Kathy Griffin and demanding that she be censored and demanding a swift and unequivocal apology, calling her a foul-mouthed bigot if she didn't do so.

Me, I'd still think the joke was funny. Which would raise the total of Kathy Griffin jokes I've found funny to one.

This would not have been an insult to Christians if they hadn't somehow decided they are being persecuted by the vast minority of non-Christians in America. Tell me again how it's possible that your claimed 85% of the country is somehow being held down by the few of us atheists who might want to make a joke or two about the people running the country? If a person who makes a disparaging remark involving god or Jesus is a Christian, are they then a bigot? Will you revise your 85% down to exclude anyone who makes any jokes about Jesus?

Is it possible the "Christian community" has gotten a little thin-skinned? Hell, no one watches the Emmys. This would have gone unheard if not for the Catholic League. I'm pretty sure your religion can survive some jokes. As Kevin Smith said, god must have a sense of humor - he created the platypus, right?

Your Dodging Lightning leader.

Oh Yeah!!

Check out my open thread at Kool-Aid Report. And we'll see if Swiftee drops the act and starts hitting on me at this thread.

Seriously, I'm not sure what one does with an Open Thread. Maybe I'll e-mail Sisyphus.

Your Comment Away leader.

The Century Mark - (Or, Why'd It Take 2 Years?)

Post 100, in case you were wondering. That doesn't include all of the carefully crafted drafts that were abandoned because they just weren't good enough. (Oh, man how sad would that be if it were actually true?)

In honor of this ridiculously weak milestone, here's a link about the internet.

Now that I've made 100 posts, you may not hear from me for a while. i got a new computer game that is promising to take all of my free time. It's called "Medieval II: Total War."

I'll see you when I do.

Your Conquering Europe leader.

We're Comin'! We're Comin'! Vikings 1-0

So that was interesting. A 24-3 victory over the hated Joey Harrington and the Falcons puts the Minnesota Vikings in a tie for first place with ... everyone but the Bears? What strangeness could this season hold, when the only team thought capable of winning in the lowly NFC North is the only team not to win on opening day? Sure, the Bears played San Diego, but I see this as a harbinger of things to come.

I was going to live-blog game 1, but I was stuck in the 8th row of the end-zone seats at Metrodome, so that was quite impossible. Maybe next week.

Anyway, Adrian Peterson was brilliant, and even T-Jack wasn't all that bad (his interception may not have been his fault, but the other two dropped interceptions were only because of the hapless Falcons defense). The vaunted Vikings defense did what they were supposed to, and I predict they will outscore the offense at least through the bye week.

I didn't make a pre-season prediction, but considering I had them beating Atlanta anyway, my season pick is 9-6. Maybe the playoffs, but I doubt it. T-Jack just isn't good enough yet. The Vikes may be exciting to watch, however, which is more than I have been able to say for the last few years.

Your Skoal, Vikings! leader.

What is Truth?

Truth is an i-Pod full of music.

Your Whorish Shill leader.

Which Side Are You On?

A history lesson for today.

LABOR'S DAY -- AND YOURS By Dick Meister

Submitted to portside

Sunday August 26, 2007

Labor Day. Time once more for politicians and union adherents to speak of the greatness of organized labor.
Time once more for the rest of us to ignore the speechmakers, as we mark the end of summer with yet another three-day weekend. The general public indifference is understandable. After all, only 12 percent of the country's working people are in unions these days.

But even if you are not a union member -- even if you do not approve of unions -- consider this while you're enjoying the long Labor Day holiday: There wouldn't be any three-day weekends if it wasn't for those unions.

None.

If unions hadn't done what they did -- and continue to do -- it's highly unlikely that anyone outside the executive ranks would be getting a paid holiday on Labor Day, or on any other day. (Or even, of course, that there would be such a holiday as Labor Day.)

Nor is it likely that those who are required to work on such holidays would be getting the pay of two to three times their regular rate that unions have made the standard for holiday work in most areas -- or get premium pay for any other work, at any other time.

Holidays meant very little to most working people in the days before unions became effective. They meant only an unwelcome day off and loss of a day's pay or, at best, a day of work at regular wages.

Those were the days when unions still were struggling primarily for nothing more than legal recognition. It wasn't until World War II that unions were able to go beyond the fundamentals and make negotiation of paid holidays a common practice, a concession employers made in lieu of the pay raises federal wage controls prohibited during the war.

The paid vacations so many working people took as usual this summer also were very rare until unions demanded and won them. So were employer-financed pensions and medical care and other fringe benefits, health and safety standards, job security and other things now commonly granted most workers, union and non-union alike.

Thus without unions, we should not forget, there would be no paid holidays for most people, no premium or overtime pay, no paid vacations, few fringe benefits and little protection against job-related hazards and arbitrary dismissal.

Without unions, as a matter of fact, the standard work day might very well still be 10 to 12 hours, the standard work week six to seven days, and working people would have few of the rights so many now take for granted. That includes the overriding right of having a genuine voice in determining their pay and working conditions.

You doubt it? Consider the recollections of Mark Hawkins, who worked in the warehouses along San Francisco's busy waterfront in the 1930s, before the coming of effective unionization.

Hawkins remembered men wrestling with crates, bundles, cartons, merchandise in all sizes, shapes and weights, 10 hours a day, often every day of the week, for a mere $60 a month. They worked as many hours on as many days as the boss demanded, at whatever pay he offered, lest they be replaced by others clamoring for jobs in those dark days of the Great Depression.

Hawkins especially remembered a fellow worker who failed to raise his hand one Saturday when the boss made his usual Saturday afternoon request for "volunteers" to work Sunday. The reluctant warehouseman pleaded that his wife, undergoing a complicated pregnancy, was seriously ill and would need him at home to comfort her.

"Okay," said the boss -- "but don't you think she'll feel even worse if you have to tell her you don't have a job anymore?"

The man worked that Sunday. When he got home, his wife was dead.

Very few of today's employers would even consider acting in such a manner. It would be virtually unthinkable, given the firm standing gained for all workers by the country's now solidly entrenched unions. That alone is more than enough reason to honor organized labor on the holiday it won for us all.

IT ALL BEGAN IN SAN FRANCISCO

By some reckoning, this is the 113th Labor Day, since it was first observed as a national holiday in 1894. But the observance actually began a quarter-century earlier in San Francisco.

It was on Feb. 21, 1868. Brass bands blared, flags, banners and torchlights waved high as more than 3,000 union members marched proudly through the city's downtown streets, led by shipyard workers and carpenters and men from dozens of other construction trades.

"A jollification," the marchers called their parade -- the climax of a three-year campaign of strikes and other pressures that had culminated in the establishment of the eight-hour workday as a legal right in California.

New York unionists staged a similar parade in 1882 that is often erroneously cited as the first Labor Day parade, even though it occurred 14 years after the march in San Francisco.

Honors for holding the first official Labor Day are usually granted the state of Oregon, which proclaimed a Labor Day holiday in 1887 -- seven years before the Federal Government got around to proclaiming the holiday which is now observed nationwide.

But Oregon's move came nearly a year after Gov. George Stoneman of California issued a proclamation setting aside May 11, 1886 as a legal holiday to honor a new organization of California unions -- the year-old Iron Trades Council. That, said renowned labor historian Ira B. Cross of the University of California, was "the first legalized Labor Day in the United States."

San Francisco also played a major role in that celebration of 1886. The city was the scene of the chief event -- a march down Market Street by more than lO,OOO men and women from some 40 unions, led by the uniformed rank-and-file of the Coast Seamen's Union. Gov. Stoneman and his entire staff marched right along with them.

The procession was seven miles long, took more than two hours to pass any given point and generated enthusiasm that the San Francisco Examiner said was "entirely unprecedented -- even in political campaigns."

-- Dick Meister

Copyright (c) 2007 Dick Meister, a San Francisco-based

journalist who has covered labor issues for five

decades. Contact him through his website,

www.dickmeister.com

(Special Thanks to Dad)

Of course, I still have to work today.

Your Solidarity Forever leader.

I Guess I Was Wrong

Apparently, along with being crepuscular, chinchillas are also gender benders. At least mine is. A trip to the vet revealed that Claudette is not a female. So Claudette is now Leon, and we shall hopefully never speak of this again.

There is a show called "Masters of Science Fiction" running on ABC. Each episode is an hour long and based on a story from a great sci-fi writer. I caught "Jerry Was A Man," based on a Robert Heinlein story. The story was a predictable "Can a robot be human?" story, but it had a particularly funny scene. While swearing in the robot, the baliff does the normal truth, whole truth, etc. bit, and adds, "so help you God, Goddess, Buddha, Allah, Great Spirit, Higher Power, Gaia, and the Great Turtle That Holds Up The Universe?" It was the and that I found really amusing.

Checking some other links shows that this show is already done with its 4 episode run. So don't do looking for it on ABC. Maybe the Sci-Fi Channel will re-run them sometime, since I missed the first two.

While working at the State Fair, I was able to catch much of Weird Al's concert. What a great show he puts on. It's funny, and despite numerous costume changes, there isn't any down time, thanks to humorous video clips played between songs. His band is incredibly talented and versatile, which helps when Al's songs go from pop to grunge to rap-rock to gangsta rap. Those guys can play anything.

I was most surprised to see that the show was nearly sold out. The guy has been making goofy parodies forever, and still manages to pack the house. It's great to see a new generation of kids who probably "discovered" Weird Al recently see the master live and in person.

I'm guessing the Affiliate doesn't love me this much. Which is a good thing.

Your Great Sleeping Weather Tonight leader.

He's Back, And He's Got A New Trick

We have a new family member. Her name is Claudette.



The Affiliate says she's a chinchilla, but I insist that it's a miniature giant space hamster. She's not too fond of us yet, but I think she'll grow to love us as much as The Hillock does.

Here's a video involving my hero and yours, Magical Trevor, dealing with chinchillas.



Of course, as I have mentioned before, chinchillas are actually crepuscular, not nocturnal as is said in the video.

Since I brought him up, get to know the full story of Magical Trevor at Weebls Stuff.

Another Snakes on a Plane moment.

More problems with religion.

I'm working at the Minnesota State Fair for much of the next week, so if you're down there in the evening, seek me out. I'll be the stunningly handsome guy in the light blue police uniform. Also, get yourself a Scotch Egg on a stick. I won't say you won't regret it, but man are they good.

Have a lovely weekend.

Your Parallel Dimension leader.