Monday, July 09, 2007

Emergency Measures

Zombies in Downtown Minneapolis on Saturday night - Photo by T. Affiliate

Police Policy and Procedure Manual Update (Administrative Announcement)

Due to a recent increase in zombie activity in Downtown Minneapolis, there has been a change in Section 666.23 of the Policy and Procedure Manual regarding Zombies.

A. All licensed personnel must immediately attend an emergency training session at the Gun Range to learn to use head shots. Shooting center mass has proven ineffective on zombies.

B. Flame throwers will be issued to all SWAT members. Tasers are effective against zombies. Effective immediately, all batons must be exchanged for machetes.

C. In the case that an officer is bitten by a zombie, said officer is immediately stripped of all police powers until such time as can be proven that said officer will not become a zombie him/herself.

D. In the case that a fellow officer does transform into a zombie, be advised that while the person may look like your former partner, he/she is, in fact, a soulless, brain-eating hell beast. Do not be afraid to put him/her down. See Section A.

Be advised that these changes to the manual are pending a City Council hearing on the matter of whether or not to grant members of the undead community status as full citizens. More orders will be forthcoming.


Anonymous said...

Man! I miss out on all the brains!


Micgar said...

The person(s) who thought up that regulation were not using their braaaaainns! Sorry! Couldn't help it! Great post! Came here by way of Jon's posting of our own "best of 2007" posts. I like your site. There are sure a lot of great sites that Jon had posted in that BO 2007!

Anonymous said...

Zombies? Looks like Chammps (now Smalleys) during bar rush.

DiscordianStooge said...

That's a good eye, Anon.