Friday, May 16, 2008

Step We Gaily, On We Go

My bachelor party is tomorrow. Come one, come all to the Downtown of Big Time Minneapolis. There are a lot of strip clubs, so I might be hard to find.

This is going to be the theme song for the evening:

I've been told that hookers are not allowed, so this shouldn't be an issue for the evening.

I'm also hoping the zombie hordes stay away for the evening. If they don't I'll be sure to let these folks know what's up.

Wish me luck.

Your We'll Do It Live leader.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Good And Bad

This is what happens when you shoot my friends.

In case you haven't noticed, Jon Swift has gone missing. My guess is the Hillary supporters at Kos got a hold of him.

And now, having checked my link, he is apparently just busy. Go back to your life, nothing to see here.

Your Feeling Stupid leader.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

It's Too Painful To Imagine

Congrats to the Twins on taking 3 of 4 from the defending world champs.

Republicans voted for mothers before they voted against them. Of course, this was a BS procedural matter, but it brings to question why Congress is voting on such things anyway. I have an exclusive quote from candidate Generic Candidate (R-The 1950's) "If elected, I pledge to bring to Congress the fortitude to vote that kittens are cute, babies should not be used as a cheap food substitute, and sock-hops are a keen time!" I can't imagine why people hold an unfavorable view of our elected officials.

Yes, I am going to train to ride one of these. The story mentions the cost of the T-3s, but before you decry wasteful spending, know that all of the machines have been donated to the department.

In other police news, citizens ask that thieves be allowed to steal cars with impunity. Here's the deal - If you're a criminal, and you know the police can't pursue you, then you will run. It's that simple. I'll tell you what; if the police are forbidden to pursue a vehicle, then fleeing the police in a motor vehicle should become an automatic 25 year sentence. You'd better be damn sure we don't know who you are before you run. Otherwise, the risk of running is much less than the risk of arrest. When someone tries to flee in a car, we become curious as to exactly why. Could be a misdemeanor warrant; could be you just shot three people and have a dead hooker in the trunk. Maybe it's the job, but I tend to think the worst in such situations. And really, can't we for once blame the guy who ran when things go bad?

As for the title of today's post, I was faced with a hypothetical situation this weekend. First, some background:

#1. For an injury to be considered work-related, it must stem from a unique aspect of police work (kicking in doors, fighting with suspects, spilling hot coffee on oneself, etc.). Everyday activities don't count.
#2. An "Officer Needs Help" call means that shit is going down. It's not, "I'd like another car to assist me," it's "I'm fighting with 3 guys" or"Someone's shooting at me." Help means we drop what we're doing and drive as fast as we can until we arrive or are told that everything is OK.

Those 2 things considered, here's the question: If I am in the bathroom when a "Help" call come out, and I accidentally get my wang caught in my zipper while rushing to help, is that considered work related?

Perhaps a visual aid. (Not Safe For Work)

Your Frank and Beans leader.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Name That Tune

Would you like to play a game? No, I'm not going to to torture you to teach you a lesson.

I'll post the opening line from random tracks on the ol' iPod, and you guess the song and artist. My older readers may have some problems, but I expect Chris to get about 90%, since all of my best music was recommended by him.

1. Whatcha doin'? Nothin' Chillin'
2. And as the conversation drags I try to think of something quickly
3. I come from the land of the ice and snow
4. If I were you, and I wish that I were you.
5. There you go again when you brush up against my skin
6. You wake up in the morning and fall out of your bed
7. A thousand hands applaud tonight
8. Two hearts fading like a flower
9. One way streets and square-one
10. I know you broke up with him and your heart's still on a shelf
11. There's a uniform that's hanging in what's known as father's room
12. Take my money, wreck my song
13. Nobody really knows where they're supposed to go
14. You bag of shit, you suck
15. The fire flickers out making movies on her skin
16. So you wanted to take a break, slow it down some
17. It's easier not to be wise and measure these things by your brain
18. Richard Wagner's to his lover Mathilda were a mess
19. The boy only wanted to give mother something, and all of her roses had bloomed
20. Let me tell you the story of a man named Charlie on a tragic and fateful day
21. I know that something very strange is happenin' to my brain
22. Just a perfect day, drink Sangria in the park
23. A red suitcase she'll never miss, leather coat he used to wear
24. Somethings in the air tonight, the sky's alive with burning light
25. His eyes go funny, you can't place why

After doing this, the old folk may have a shot on this one. My upbringing listening to "oldies" really did affect me. Take your shot in the comments.

Your In 3 Notes leader.

From Now On We'll Travel Through Tubes

As you know, I'm a Wiggum guy. But here's the best campaign ad I've seen to date.

Maybe CC will accept the VP slot. I just don't think it's his time yet.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Code Monkey Like Tab And Mountain Dew

Our Katie (c. Spotty) continues her career as the Star Tribune's resident scold. This time, it's video games. Grand Theft Auto IV, to be exact.

Grand Theft Auto IV hit the stores last week like a tsunami, and is expected to become one of the biggest sellers in video game history. Commentators agree that the game, with its sophisticated graphics, sets a new standard for realistic violence and sex.

I wonder if these are the same commentators who claimed that “Mass Effect” had explicit man-on-alien sex.

The launch of a game like GTA IV -- labeled "M" for sale only to buyers 17 and over -- always seems to provoke the same debate. Critics charge that the game harms children, who can easily get their hands on it.

So, the game is “clearly labeled” for 17 and older, just like adult films. Where’s the problem?

Research confirms that violent media increase young people's aggressive thoughts and behavior and decrease their self-control and the inclination to help others. Adolescents who play violent video games tend to be more hostile, to argue more with teachers, to get into more physical fights, and to do more poorly in school, one national study reports.

Yes, one study. Most of my friends played violent video games growing up. We also respected our parents and were mostly non-violent. We also did well in school. We were raised well. The games had no effect. In fact, they gave us an outlet for violence. It was easier (and safer) for me to vicariously rip out Chris’ spinal cord playing “Mortal Combat” than it was to actually fight with him. Then we’d laugh and go kill a hooker have a frosty milkshake.

Video game representatives make two arguments when faced with such data. First, they insist that parents are the gatekeepers for their children's play. Sounds good, but ask any 15-year-old male if it's really true.

Kids always have gotten their hands on adult material. I saw "Interview With the Vampire" in a theater when I was 13. I've never killed anyone and then drank their blood for sustenance, not once. I also never grew my hair out to outrageous lengths.

Second, industry spokespeople downplay the youth problem's relevance, pointing to surveys that suggest that the average gamer is somewhere between the ages of 29 to 32. This is comforting?

Let's assume that's true. Is it supposed to be comforting that millions of grown men get their "entertainment" from pretending to blow away cops and hook up with prostitutes?

See, Katie has just granted a new premise, one that defeats her original argument about kids playing violent video games. So I guess the first half of this column is no longer relevant. Besides, didn’t most kids play “Cops and Robbers” when they were young? Doesn’t that involve pretending to shoot cops?

Anyone who has raised a child, or worked for a boss -- or looked honestly at his or her own shortcomings -- knows that we human beings have both good and bad instincts and impulses. We have the potential to be kind, generous and self-controlled, but we also can be selfish, power-hungry, violent and cruel.

Katie has told us that simply telling kids to say ‘no” is enough to stop the most base instinct, to have sex. Why not simply tell your kids not to kill cops? It’s worked for me. And what’s with the boss comment? I see a bad performance review in Katie’s future.

History amply illustrates humanity's dark side. In ancient Rome, crowds of thousands of people -- not too different from us -- cheered with frenzied blood lust as animals and human beings were torn to pieces.

So humans have craved violence since the beginning of time. What does Kersten think would happen if we removed all opportunity to view violence from Americans? Maybe we’d make our own violence. Video games give people a chance to take out their frustrations in a way that doesn’t lead to multiple life sentences.

In the 15th century, public executions took on a festival atmosphere as victims were disembowled or burned at the stake.

Katie like her executions nice and private, I guess. I'm guessing she decried the public hanging of Saddam Hussein somewhere, though.

Our own age has witnessed the horrors of genocide in Nazi Germany and Rwanda. These atrocities were not perpetrated by a handful of human monsters, but by thousands of ordinary people.

The Nazis were notorious video game players, as we all know. Rwanda has always been more of a “World of Warcraft” place, but that’s still violence, I guess.

Games like GTA IV stimulate and glamorize our dark impulses. They create a taste for the psychological thrill that can come from dominating and degrading others.

That’s a taste that Katie has already admitted exists in humanity. Claiming games create this impulse is simply ludicrous. Everyone knows it comes from evolution.

The hazards of violent games will only increase as new, more advanced technologies like the Wii system take hold. With Wii, for instance, you can go beyond punching buttons or manipulating a joystick -- you can act out a game physically.

I can punch another person without any game system whatsoever. I don't need a game to tell me to do it.

We all have a dark side

Especially this wizard teacher in Florida. (Not Kersten related, but the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time.)

Here's the deal. If parents can raise their kids right, they'll know that video games are fantasy, and killing people is wrong. If not, then people won't need video games to be violent. I'll continue to suggest that video games are a positive outlet for violent impulses that exist in all of humanity.

I'll give the last word to Peter Griffin of Family Guy:
"But I'll tell you what's not cool--killing strippers. Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside."

Your Ask Questions First, Shoot Later leader.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

If Whiskey Doesn't Kill Me, I Don't Know What Will

The Affiliate got laid off ... again. It's just a side effect of this robust economy all of the righties are talking about. On the plus side, The Affiliate is the greatest employee of all time, so anyone would be lucky to get her on the payroll.

It doesn't help that I'm sick as hell right now. Cough. Congestion. Sneezing. Sore throat. I left work early last night, because I figured sitting at home was better than walking outside in the rain. Tonight looks a little better.

Stuff like this lightens my spirits a bit.

At some point I am going to start watching Olberman on TV, rather than hearing about the great bits after the fact. Today is not that day, however.

35 days until I'm married. Sorry, single chicks.

Your Nighttime, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching , Stuffy-Head, Fever leader.