Thursday, October 25, 2007

Baptismal Blood

Now, I'm not really a metal guy, but I realize I've been remiss in mentioning my buddy's band, Epicurean, which certainly is a bunch of metal guys.

I mention it now because I want to be the first person on the net to have the term Cuntface Razorhands, The Hate Pope on my blog. (You'll need to highlight that line if you want to read it. It's really offensive, even for me. In fact, if you aren't Mark or one of the band guys, you probably should not highlight it. It includes the term "Hate Pope," and that's the printable part.)

I hear the hot new thing the hip kids do to be hip is to smoke a fat joint and watch "Life," and pretend to understand what Det. Crews is talking about.

Your Just Got Back From A Bachelor Party leader.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Vikings 2-4

I'm with this guy.

But She Said, "I'm Sure You're Mistaken"

I've not written for a while. I've been in mourning. Now, I'm usually on the side of a union, but I am left wondering if these guys realized that they are professional lacrosse players, and should be grateful just to be able to eat every day.

This article left me feeling sad for people. It's about changes in Minnesota funeral law. The first line left me scratching my head. Is it beneath the dignity of a dead man to ride in the back of a pickup truck? Really? this is what we're worried about? The dead man, well, he's dead, and really has no dignity.

The State Health Guy in charge of mortuary science, David Beneke, says the changes were made to, "
prevent someone from disposing of a dead body in an unacceptable manner, such as a funeral pyre." He then adds, "If there was a group that was doing this continuously for 25 years, we would allow it." Which means that there can be no new funeral traditions ever again. And besides, what's wrong with a funeral pyre? It was good enough for the folks in the old country.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but there is no logical reason to restrict how a body can be disposed of except that the people who get paid to dispose of the bodies want to keep getting paid. There are illogical reasons, like, oh, this:

Benke said the law still would allow a body to be transported in a van or an SUV. But the state wants to prohibit bodies transported in pickup trucks or trailers, even if they are covered.

"We don't think that's respectful to the deceased," he said.

It's not the Health Department's job to tell me what is respectful to my dead family member. If it is unhealthy for a corpse to be placed in the back of an open truck, make the case. Leave respect for the dead to people who know the dead.

Considering that morticians can get a religious waver for some rules, I'm guessing the rules have little to do with public health. Although it wouldn't be the first time that religious beliefs were used to fight against public health.

Finally, this story makes me feel better about macing squirrels on my back porch.

Your Bring Out Your Dead leader.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A Looming Threat

I knew I started reading PubHouse Dialogues for a reason. Ganesha has received shocking video footage of new Zombie "Rules of Engagement" in their attempt to devour all of Minneapolis and deprive its citizens of beer and nachos.

I saw some of this action on city surveillance while downtown on Saturday night. Apparently someone leaked to the Zombies that I would be confined to the Warehouse District on foot for the evening. With their arch-nemesis otherwise occupied, the Zombies descended on the Cedar-Riverside area.

Here are some more shocking photos the soulless creatures released. Obviously, Jeremy at Afterglide is a state enemy. I will be keeping watch on his site, and you should too. Only together can we stop the Zombie Menace from destroying our upper-lower-middle-class way of life (Excluding Spotty, who lives in Edina).

Also, someone should really tell him that the plural of "cul-de-sac" is "culs-de-sac," not "cul-de-sacs." This lack of knowledge of the French language clearly shows that no d├ętente is possible.

Your Fight the Good Fight leader.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Jump, Jive an' Wail

The Greatest Generation shows that they could do it better. They played chess with their captives? What a bunch of pussies. A "Battle of wits?" What, were these guys French interrogators? Well, one became a history professor, so that's all you need to know.

But that's OK. We don't torture anyone. Except when we do.

How will the right smear our WWII veterans and come out looking better than before? We'll have to wait and see.

Your Waterboard leader.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Trample on Your Yesterdays

("God And Money" - Ike Reily Assassination)

Anyone interested in working with Gil Grissom? It doesn't pay enough for me, and I don't think I could live in Nevada. Hurry, though. The job closes the 10th.

Me too.

I think he deserved more than 5 months. Although, whomever named the ostrich Gaylord should be punished too.

Good Night.

Your Slow Week leader.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I Got Real Scars

A question for John McCain; Is he worried that a non-Christian might actually get elected President in his lifetime (Or mine, for that matter)? Why would this question even be asked?

Quote: "I prefer someone who I know who has a solid grounding in my faith." That's fine. I'd prefer that too, although it's not realistic in America at the moment. It also isn't in the Top 10 of things look at, so no matter.

Next quote: "The Mormon religion is a religion that I don't share, but I respect. More importantly, I've known so many people of the Mormon faith who have been so magnificent," So you prefer someone of your own faith, or a Mormon. Also, I'm sure you know people of many other faiths (and none at all) who are magnificent, so we'll count them in as OK for President.

Another: "I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and to defend our political values." Muslims: Also in.

So now we see that John McCain would prefer someone with a "solid grounding" in his own faith, but you could practice Shinto for all he cares if you do good things or defend your political values.

McCain managed to piss of non-Christians while basically saying that he doesn't really care about a candidate's religion. The worst part is he was obviously trying to say he does care about a candidate's religion, and got so caught up in political double-speak that he didn't even get that right. What he actually said is how it should be. What he was trying to say is what makes politics and religion such a fun mix.

The best quote of the whole article: "(The) Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation." Wow. You can argue that the Founders were all Christians. You can argue that America was founded as a Christian nation. But the lack of mention of God or Christ in the Constitution makes it impossible to use that document as an argument for those things.

If I were making a Christian nation, I'd be sure to mention Christ at some point, and I'm not nearly as smart as the Founding Fathers. Gouverneur Morris could have thrown in Christ or God right between "justice" and "domestic Tranquility." He didn't.

I once liked McCain politically. Then he cozied up to a guy who smeared him in some pretty unforgivable ways just to win an election. Now, apparently, McCain is going to try and win back the religious nuts whom he lost by calling Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson what they were back when he was still a politician one could look up to. And he's doing a poor job of it.

Way to go, Senator.

Your More Perfect Union leader.