Let Us Turn Our Thoughts Today...

No holiday talk. If you want analysis on the life of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, do a blog search. I'm sure you'll find some stories, possibly including Mitt Romney's father.

Speaking of politics, "change" seems to be the theme of the campaigns this year. I'd like to remind the candidates that "making change" makes me think of turning paper money into metal money, not fixing health care or ending war. But I think the candidates can make the point themselves, with the help of David Bowie.

(Via Chris)

Missouri Chainsaw Mayhem.

A man wielding a chainsaw and knife attacked residents at a Missouri homeless shelter where he was staying, leaving two people in critical condition and injuring two others, police said Sunday. Sheriff Dennis Crane said two victims were cut by a chainsaw and two others by a knife. Authorities said the victims injured by the chainsaw were in critical condition, while the other two were treated and released.

I am picturing a heavily bearded guy in fatigues dual-wielding a chainsaw in one hand and a knife in the other. Also, it's obvious that if you want to commit mayhem (def. 1), a chainsaw is preferable. Not even a claymore can do more damage.

Watkins had been staying at the shelter for about two weeks and was taking part in a program that provides residents with on-the-job-training, authorities said.

Obviously as a lumberjack. *rimshot*

A story on the werewolf blooded. They are from the Wisconsin of Mexico, I would guess.

Your Mayhem leader.

Baby Don't You Sign That Paper Tonight

I've been threatened with whiskey, which is a very strange threat. Except today, because I'm already feeling nauseous.

Another "Get Rich Quick" scheme is foiled. Still, eating glass may be more pleasant than playing the stock market right now.

I'm thinking that this group may deserve further study. I don't know why vampires are listed before zombies and werewolves though. Vamps are just one of those fake threats used to distract us from the real danger.

I got out to the Myth Nightclub to see Reel Big Fish last night. It was like a trip back to high school. I haven't been in a group of suburban teenage malcontents for quite some time, and it was fun. I don't know how a band that hasn't had any major airplay in 12 years still has fans, many of whom were 4 years old when "Sell Out" was a hit, but the new stuff they played was pretty good, so the kids must be hearing it somewhere. (As a side note, openers Streetlight Manifesto seriously rock.) Keep on skankin', kids.

Good joke.

An obvious answer to a stupid question. These stand-up comedy questions have started seeping into common culture, generally radio commercials. The problem is, many of them have legitimate answers. "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?" for example. The answers aren't hard to figure out, but somehow they seem like clever questions. Mostly because many of us are too lazy to think about them for more than 3 seconds.

That should keep the whiskey away for a little while.

Your D-List leader.

Howl at the Moon

OK. So I'm ready to accept that all werewolves reside in Wisconsin. Here's another one.

A former inmate told police that he was a werewolf and could change shapes after he was arrested for breaking into a woman's apartment.

This sounds like your basic case of supernatural-status discrimination to me. Although I think there was a full moon this weekend. His transmogrification should have settled the matter right there. Unless the lunar eclipse somehow interfered. Or the jail bars are made of silver (which they should be, what with the number of werewolves in Wisconsin).

I think the lycanthropic community should be outraged by this arrest. The marijuana was obviously medicinal. I assume it helps keep him from changing. This is an outrage, and all good thinking people should be crying for this man/beast's release.

Either that, or we should all just stay the fuck out of Wisconsin.

The Affiliate would like me to inform everyone that she was accepted into Hamline University in the MBA program. Or something like that. The less I know, the better I say. She's getting a Master's degree. Let's keep it at that. Way to go, me gal!

Finally; Moose 1, Helicoptor 0.

PETA is probably sipping a non-fat soy decaf latte for that Alces alces. That, by the way, would trample any one of them without a second thought.

Your Lycanthropy News leader.

Werewolves of Wisconsin

I saw a werewolf with a Leinenkugel's in his hand
Walking through the streets of Milwaukee in the rain
The best part is, the guy is pissed people are calling the creature "bigfoot," because it had canine features, and we all know that Bigfoot is more primate looking. Ahhh-ooooo!

It's no wonder people think the American court system is messed up. This guy had sex with a deer carcass. Now his lawer is arguing that he can't be charged with bestiality because an animal is defined as a living thing. Which is absolutely true. The charges against Mr. Hathaway should be dropped. Then the statute should be rewritten so I don't have to worry about people having sex with roast turkey with impunity. It's sad, you know. I'd never worried about that before.

Notice that both of the above stories involve Wisconsin and deer carcasses. I have nothing to add, just take notice.

Your Don't Wanna Think About It leader.