We Are Family!

Congratulations, New York! Look for a recall against the republicans who had the strength to do the right thing.

Meanwhile, Minnesota will be voting whether to go backward and ban gay marriage, which is already illegal under state law. If it's really about letting the people decide, make the amendment yes or no to legalizing gay marriage. Just sayin'.

Maybe by the time The Spinoff is old enough, if he's gay he'll be able to choose a partner based on love, like his parents and grandparents did.

Celebrate your Pride this weekend. It should be a doozy!

Your Fabulous For a Day leader

These Are The Ways The World Will End

In case you aren't a Facebook friend, and you care, we're having a boy.

And apparently Mark Dayton won the MN DFL primary. Which proves once again that the DFL endorsement process doesn't really find the person most DFLers will vote for. Of course, winning the primary hasn't led to too many victories lately either, so Dayton's got his work cut out for him.

Of course, Tom Emmer probably thinks Relativity is a liberal plot, so he's got that going for him.

So, I ordered the CD "Trebuchet" by George Hrab. Hrab was pretty smart. He put the CD up on his "Geologic Podcast" for free, without track breaks. There's not much chance I would have bought the disc, but after hearing it on the podcast, I decided to buy it.

Anyway, I thought I'd share what is the greatest e-mail I've ever received from a commercial website.

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.
A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.
Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.
We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, August 10, 2010.
We hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. In commemoration, we have placed your picture on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sigh...
We miss you already. We'll be right here at http://cdbaby.com/, patiently awaiting your return.

Awesome.

Anyway, check out the "Geologic Podcast." (It's not really about geology at all) Also check out "Trebuchet," which has some really good tunes on it.

I'll also take a moment to recomend the "Read It and Weep" podcast. It's a podcast about 3 guys who partake in the worst books, movies and TV and then rip the hell out of it. They made their bones on the "Twilight" series, but they do a good job on pretty much everything. It's really funny, even if you haven't read what they are critiquing.

On a side note, I started listen listening to "Read It and Weep" a few months ago. About 1 month ago, they started following me on Twitter, which was odd because I wasn't following them, nor had I contacted them in any way. Strange, this internet of ours.

Your Getting the House Ready leader.

Suaimhneas Síoraí

I've dealt with a lot of crime victims. I've spoken with family members and friends of people who have been murdered. I've never been one of those people before. Unfortunately, things change.

Growing up, my family spent a week at Gull Lake near Brainard every summer. We usually spent that week with The Malickis. Kristy was my brother's age. Her brother Barry is my age. Denny and Mary were close friends of my parents. (That's the weird thing in the news stories. I didn't know his name was Clyde. He's always gone by Denny, his middle name, I'm told.)

A lot of my childhood memories are from up at Gull Lake. I remember little things. My parents and Denny and Mary playing cards at night, drinking Jungle Juice (Apparently a lemonade/vodka drink). Cruising around Gull Lake in the big blue speed-boat we called the "Blue Baby," but that Denny would never officially name, listening to the Statler Brothers on 8-track. Playing mini-golf. Taking the boat to Taco Tuesdays.

I can't imagine what Barry is going through. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my whole family.

Suaimhneas Síoraí is an Irish phrase that translates as "Eternal Peace." We often wish peace to the dead, but I'd like to wish peace to the living. Barry, Kathleen Dorgan and Kathleen McHugh and all of their family and friends who will be missing Denny, Mary and Kristy. Hopefully they will find a way through this tragedy.

I wish I could write something profound and interesting, but I can't. Please do what you do to help those who have lost loved ones.

*Update* This says it right.

As If In A Dream, The One And Only V

Ugh. The DFL continues to show it doesn't want to win. I'm still waiting for the DFL to explain how a bill passed 125-9 was sucessfully vetoed. Sure, all the repubs ran away. Who were they? Why haven't they been asked over and over why they changed their votes? MAK has had trouble with the repubs when she had a clear majority. How will she handle them in a straight-up election? She's shown me nothing that says she can win, and plenty to say she can't.

It's hard to believe religious conservatives want to remove Thomas Jefferson from history books. It would make it easier for people like Sarah Palin to lie.

Prof. Stephen Hawking warns against communication with aliens. He's right about the odds of something being out there. Where he's wrong is saying not to explore because the aliens might be unfriendly and destroy us. (Also, he is just regurgitating the plot of "Independence Day" and the tv show "V." See what I did with my post title, now?)

We are humans. What we do is explore. There's always been a segment of society who said, "Don't cross that river, there are monsters on the other side." The maps with sea monters and "Here there be dragons" (Should I warn you of the horror of that link? Nah.) put on to discourage exploration. And there are always people who ignore it.

Prof. Hawking uses a Columbus analogy, saying we would be like the aboriginal Americans being invaded by the aliens. Possibly. Or we could be Columbus, finding a beautiful new world for humanity out among the stars. Maybe we could even do a better job of not virtually wiping out any inhabitants on that new world.

Either way, fear is a poor excuse not to explore.

Besides, if angry aliens do come to steal our water, we can use it against them with ... The Homeopathy Bomb! (Yay!)

Ask yourself, What Would Jesus Do? (NSFW) Or, clearly, don't, because you suck.

I've pretty much given up on the idea that I'll post Italy pictures. That involves work.

Your Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before leader.

Form A Line To The Throne (Vikings 2-0)

I say play the playoff (if necessary) at Target Field. I also say the Twins should make it unnecessary.

Not much to mention from the Vikings game. It's weird to think that 92 yards rushing and a touchdown is disappointing, though.

(Closed Circuit to the Baseball Writers Association: Mauer for MVP!)

Can one of my lawyer readers answer this question: If you settle a lawsuit, and part of the settlement is that the defendant doesn't admit guilt, and the plaintiff's attorney then comes right out and says, "$200,000 sounds like an admission of misconduct to me," should the plaintiff's attorney forfeit all of his fee and be disbarred for breaking the agreement?

Maybe it's just me, but I think knowingly exposing someone to a deadly disease should be more than a misdemeanor.

A Florida man was arrested after killing his family. He said he wanted to kill himself, but that he wouldn't get into heaven if he committed suicide. Murdering 6 people doesn't bar you from heaven, but killing yourself afterward does? He also claims an evil spirit made him kill his family. I'm pretty sure that's a valid defense in Florida.

Muammar Qadaffi calls U.N. Security Council "Terrorism Council." Oddly, he then asked for a permanent seat for Libya.

Happy Birthday, Boss!

Your Looking For Overexposure leader.

Disappointed Man, Where've You Been?

Ladies and Gentlemen ... we don't got him. I don't worry. They've got T-Ja ... Sage Rosenf ... John David Boo ... OK, they're screwed. At least they signed Antoine Winfield. Had the Vikings not signed him, he might have signed with Green Bay, Chicago or Det ... He might have signed with the Packers or the Bears.

Crack is whack.

Best Headline Ever: Snakes Escape From Man's Pants, Cause SUV To Crash

You're welcome.

Your QB Controversy leader.

#4

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... we got 'im!

That is all.

Your Interceptions leader.

No More Building Up; It Is Time To Dissolve

The California Supreme Court upheld "Proposition 8," a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. While I whole-heartedly support gay marriage, the decision was legally correct. Opponents were in the undesirable position of arguing that the Constitution was itself unconstitutional. I'd imagine that the 18,000 or so marriages that were not annulled ex post facto, along with the increasing gay mariages in more progressive states like (wait, seriously?) Iowa, will show reasonable people that there's nothing to fear from gay marriage. Unreasonable folks, of course, will never be persuaded, because they're nuts.

Another city that didn't make the Top 10 Places To Live is Cleveland. The city has released a video to prove they deserve to be on the list. (NSFW)



There's a second video attempt as well.

In a shocking twist, Joe Soucheray doesn't like Twitter. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

If you're bringing your 12 year-old son drinking with you so he can drive you home, you might want to take a look at your drinking.

ZOO!!!


Your Girebra leader.

We Couldn't Get Much Higher

There are things in this world I wish I had written. Poe's The Telltale Heart, Stephen King's Survivor Type. The entire run of "Sports Night" and Ike Reilly's first 2 albums come to mind. I'll add this to the list.

May Day was an interesting day for this story to come out. I just can't figure out how the NLRB doesn't come to this conclusion more often.

The Baby Jesus is back! (That's a Joe Mauer reference, in case you thought I'd gone mad.)

Good day to you all!

Your "Joey Cupcake" Is Also An Acceptable Nickname leader.

Now It's Time To Say What I Forgot To Say

Worried you might have swine flu? Click here to find out. (via The Affiliate)

And they've found Patient Zero. (via Norwegianity)

MN Senate approves medical marijuana. This is a good thing. Of course, Gov. Pawlenty (R) will veto this. Note the "R." The party that is so afraid of the government getting involved in medical decisions vis-a-vis single-payer health care has no problem telling doctors what they can and can't prescribe right now.

Girl beats back muggers with baton. Hey, Flash, is this normal marching band training?

Cecil answers the hard hitting questions of our time, like, "Are women's breasts getting bigger?"

Your I Certainly Hope So leader.

Next To This Mole See The Gaping Hole

UPDATE: Gophers get 10 seed in the East. Way to go, Tubby!

Mischke's back!

Sure, it's a web-stream, but hopefully soon it'll be podcasted so I can download it and listen at work.

Between Dan Savage and now Mischke, City Pages is keeping life interesting. I can forgive losing Tom Tomorrow for now.

Today is just beautiful. I actually opened the windows because I was hot. Awesome.

Not so awesome. First off, if you're contractually obligated to pay a bonus, doesn't that make it just a salary? Secondly, are 400 people really going to jump ship in this economy because they didn't get a bonus? How do you find a new job? "Yes, I caused my last company to be bought out by the U.S. government, and then I left because they didn't reward me for destroying the company. I'm looking for $2.5 million a year and guaranteed bonuses." Finally, if these are the best out there, how does any business survive? Maybe AIG should look into people at businesses that didn't die to replace these folks.

I haven't decided how I feel about this group. I may have to pop in and see just how serious they are. A zombie apocalypse plan for the U of M is a good idea, but it had better be solid.

Go Gophers.

Your On The Bubble leader.

If You Wanna Hang Out, You've Got To Take Her Out

It was crack. I'm glad that's cleared up. It made for an easy post title. I love that Dubay used the Randy Moss "someone borrowed my car and left the drugs in there" bit. Let this be a lesson to all. If your driver's license isn't up to snuff, don't carry drugs in your car. Also, never do a drug named after part of your own ass (c. Denis Leary).

Of course, since I'm writing from Fake America, my advice isn't really as good as others'. Here's a woman I assume is from real America, to let us know what's up.



"I can't imagine having a President of the United States being named Obama. I real have a problem with that." That's almost as bad as electing a Welshman!

A mother that was atheist? Oh! A father that was a Muslim. Oh oh! "That should get to everyone." At least she seemed to fear Muslims more than atheists. That's rare.

She says her husband knows the right way to vote. He certainly knows the right thing to tell her.

Thank you real America, for putting your views out in plain sight for us.

In closer real America news, Michele Bachmann made a "misstatement" when she called Barack Obama anti-American. Also, Chris Mathews laid a trap for her. Sure, he did. Why Obama would have called himself anti-American if he were lured into Mathews' dark "Hardball" lair. His cunning question of "Do you think Barack Obama is anti-American?" led Bachmann down a slippery slide into a poll of acidic juices that drowned her and digested her over time ... wait, that's not Chris Mathews, that's a pitcher plant.

Anyway, I wonder if Bachmann told Jason Lewis it was a misstatement when she was on his show on Monday, because Lewis says she was right on, and of course Obama is anti-American, and so are all liberals. In fact, anyone who disagrees with him is anti-American. Especially Colin Powell, that dirty liberal commie America hater (I'm paraphrasing). Good luck, Michele.

Speaking of Jason Lewis; The plague is back!

Officials said York was most likely exposed to the plague when he performed an autopsy on a mountain lion that had been infected and most likely killed by it.

First off, it's called a necropsy when done on an animal. I'm guessing the guy missed this news story from 2006. Pumas have been dying of plague for at least two years, and York maybe should have been a little more careful. So, if you've been playing around with dead cougars (the animal, not dead hot old ladies), get to the pharmacy.

On a side note, I referred to the animal in that story by 3 different names. I love puma concolor.

Your I Retract Everything I Just Said leader.

This Is Our Decision, To Live Fast And Die Young (Vikings 3-4)

Colin Powell endorses Barack obama? Are people wearing hats on their feet and hamburgers eating people? My favorite line is when he just admonishes Michelle Bachmann for this comedy bit.

The Vikings put up a valiant effort against the Bears at Soldier Field, but lost 48-41. Each team individually beat the Over-Bet on this game, and i figured the Vikes would lose by 20, so all in all it wasn't a disaster. I didn't listen to "Vikings Fan Line" to see how the callers blamed this game on Childress, so if you have any theories as to why Childress should be fired because of this game, let me know.

Speaking of Fan Line, I'm guessing Jeff Dubay wasn't hosting. The story doesn't say what the drug was, but in the comments it mentions Meth. Someone says it was 6 grams of Meth, but that would be 3rd degree possession, so I'm not sure I buy that, at least not the amount. I also saw "meth precursors" which means ephedrine or pseudoephedrine (e.g. Sudafed). (That could also mean red phosphorus, but I doubt it.) Too much cold/asthma medication? He was mysteriously gone earlier this year, and rehab is the official rumor. Maybe the speed is to supplement the weight loss program he's been hyping. And stop calling the guy "Puffy," for god's sake; it's driving him to drugs.

I'm guessing he'll be off the air for a while. May I suggest expanding The Common Man Progrum to 5 hours?

Your Wishing Him The Best leader.

I'm So Sad, I'm So Happy

I just learned that Snot is dead. Anyone who has been to a Renaissance Festival knows of Puke 'n' Snot. If you'd seen there routine once, you knew what it was about, but that didn't stop people from seeing them every year. This is too bad. May his body never rise up to crave the flesh of the living.

In happier news, I just read that the Rock Band equipment will work with Guitar Hero: World Tour. This is a sign of cooperation and respect between two rival game companies. Maybe there is hope for Georgia and Russia.

And finally, the dream of every right-wing radio nutjob:



Your One Less Bodily Function leader.

Takin' What They're Givin'

The Catholic Church needs your money. They need to replace several bejeweled crosses and rings that were stolen.

Wait. This just in - The priceless relics were found - In a cardboard box in the closet. Well, the church still needs your money to get a new safe and more bejeweled crosses, just like the ones Jesus had.

In more important news, Wal-Mart might have to pay its workers *gasp* overtime. Well-known right-wing radio nut-job Jason Lewis decried the ruling. He mentioned a rape case in St. Paul, and complained that instead of stopping rape, the authorities are going after Wal-Mart for making workers skip breaks. Boo-hoo, he says. Well, Lewis fills in for someone who makes $50 million a year, so I can see that skipping a break for that kind of money might make sense.

Well, for one, the people who look into corporate lawsuits aren't going to be stopping rape. Also, Wal-Mart was mostly hit for making people work off the clock.

Also, she was asked to work before or after she was clocked in. When asked by one of the attorneys why, when she was asked to work off the clock, she did it, Simonson said: "When your boss tells you to do something, you do it."

Jason, you've often praised America for being one of the first countries to abolish slavery. What exactly do you call being forced to work without pay? I know that it's tough to work 3 hours a day. Imagine if when you filled in for Rush, Clear Channel also asked you to do your own show and didn't pay you extra. You wouldn't stand for it. Forcing people to work without pay under threat of losing your job is slavery, and apparently you're not as against slavery as you portray yourself to be.

Lewis hates unions, but this is what happened before unions came along, and it's starting again as union membership wanes. Who could possibly have seen this coming?

Your Good Day's Work For A Good Day's Pay leader.

Just 5 Feet Tall And Sick Of Me

Woman sits on toilet for 2 years. This story is for Jeremy. As a humerous side note, the Sheriff in this case's name is Whipple.

In Minnesota, the winters are long and cold, and unlike some other cold places, there's not a lot to do. That's how this kid got the practice to become the best Guitar Hero player in the world.

Congratulations to Jenna Bush. I understand why she chose to get married in Texas. The Affiliate and I also decided we'd rather stay close to home rather than have an extravagant White House wedding.

Woman smuggles skeleton onto an airplane. She was fulfilling her brother's wish to be buried in Italy. Me, I'd like to be stuffed and put on the couch to keep away potential suitors from my widow and possibly my daughter, if I have one.

Especially if she is dating a guy like this.

Jumping off your roof into the pool is kind of cool. But, see, there's no pool there. So it's not cool at all. It's just stupid. Really, really stupid.

Not as stupid as not watching Midnight Spank on G4, however.



Don't let it open the bag.

Your Evil Butterfly leader.

I Don't Ever Wanna Taste These Tears Again

It's been a whole week, and absolutely nothing to write about. That's the funny thing about my blogging style. There could be big news stories, political wrangling and entertainment fixes, but it's possible that none of them appeal to me. Or I could just be too lazy to comment. You make the call.

Actually, the writer's strike ended too soon for me. I'd like to see "Journeyman" and "Life" come back this fall, and now I'm afraid that the writers and networks will have enough time to develop some crap to replace them.

Baby orangutan is named Jaya. I think Louie would have been a better name, but I'm sure that's been done before.

Perfect Peace can be found in Iowa. Who knew?

Looking for a good cry? This is the story for you.

Your Trying To Keep Active leader.

I Am The Cybernetic Ghost Of Christmas Past, From The Future

The Vikings are still in control of their playoff destiny. Why does that send a chill down my spine?

OK, note to the Pioneer Press: Your website sucks. Your links don't work. Your category listings' links all just lead to the front page. I'd really rather link to you, but I can't, because I can't find the stories I want. The Internet is important to your readers under the age of 40. Also, "Twin Cities.com" needs to go. You're the Pioneer Press. Let's not shy away from the name.

Last night, I was wondering why that dog was at the 331 Club with a video camera strapped to his collar. Now I know why:


(via Spotty)

Please know that the guy in the Santa hat was quite drunk when trying to sing an X-mas carol from the far future.

Mitt "My Dad Marched With MLK (OK, Not Really, But Wouldn't It Be Great If He Had?)" Romney tries to backpedal.

"If you look at the literature, if you look at the dictionary, the term 'saw' includes being aware of in the sense I've described," Romney told reporters in Iowa. "It's a figure of speech and very familiar, and it's very common. And I saw my dad march with Martin Luther King. I did not see it with my own eyes, but I saw him in the sense of being aware of his participation in that great effort."

What the hell does that even mean? You know, I "saw" all four of the Vikings Super Bowl losses. And by that I mean that I am aware that they lost four Super Bowls. See how that works? What a schmuck.

Ah, is there anything better than the excitement and trepidation of Cephalopodmas Eve? The Hillock says, "No."



(Yes, it's a picture from last year. It's the idea that counts, right, Mitt?)

Everything you know is wrong.

Your "Thousands Of Years Ago" leader.

Baby, It's Hot Outside

This is a real mystery. My calculations put the weight of 1,000 gallons of water at 8,340 pounds. That's over 4 tons. That's a lot of water to disappear without a trace. I have 2 theories. The first is aliens. The second is a herd of flying elephants.

Now, an elephant can consume 300-600 lbs of food per day, so assuming 500 lbs of water, it would take 17 flying elephants to consume that much water, and that's assuming they could do it in 4 hours. That many elephants would make too much noise not to be noticed. Also, elephants can't fly.

Aliens presumably can fly, but would they really need exactly 1,000 gallons of chlorinated water? It seems that there are better places to get water, especially considering that some suburban New Jersey family may not have chlorinated the pool.

Neither of my hypotheses address the pool itself being missing. But neither actually works as a theory either, so I didn't bother looking into that aspect of the mystery.

Apparently there will be more on this story in the coming days. Perhaps answers are forthcoming. Or maybe the cover-up will begin.

This is a link for Spotty, but if you're a language nerd, you might enjoy it as well. And Spotty, I was wrong. It is rhinoceros that doesn't pluralize as rhinoceri, not hippopotamus. (Of course the plural of hippopotamus isn't "rhinoceri," but it can be hippopotami, which I said was incorrect Latin while speaking with Spotty earlier this evening. Really, it's a big mess to write, but can be explained in spoken word quite simply. Let's all pretend I didn't say anything at all.)

"Relatives of the woman who left her baby in a van on a hot day say she is new to the country and didn't know the law." So it's OK to leave a baby in a car in 90 degree heat if it's not against the law? "She didn't know it was that hot." I'm guessing she wears a refrigerated suit at all times, because it was fucking hot out on Wednesday.

DON'T LEAVE YOUR BABY IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad the baby didn't die, especially because the mother might get charged for her stupidity/laziness/cruelty. Unfortunately, when parents kill their baby in this manner they are considered to have "suffered enough" from the loss of their child, and never go to jail for it.

As a side note, if you see a baby sitting in a car in hot weather, call the police, but don't wait for them to arrive to break the window. Mere minutes could save a baby's life, so the sooner the heat is alleviated, the better.

Wow. I need to get away from getting outraged about kids being treated poorly at the end of posts that are started with more humorous content.

Your Mysterious Water Loss leader.

This Post's for Evil Grey Monkies That Haunt Me

(Title Ukn. - Sifl & Ollie)

I've been gone a bit. At least one person missed me.

Unfortunately, J.D. died. He was the good gerbil, too. He had been having seizures for about a week, then he just dropped. At least he wasn't eaten by the cat.

To replace J.D., the Affiliate wants to get a chinchilla. This has lead me to learn the word crepuscular, which is just fun to say.

In other news, I have been rated completely incapacitated by a chiropractor. Which sucks, because it cost me some OT at work.

Which I was going to use to pay for a ticket to "The Simpsons Movie." This coming Friday may be the greatest day in history.

$67,000 bond for a five hour, 4 vehicle police chase. This doesn't seem like much of a deterrent. Just saying. Maybe next time he'll get arrested 3 times in 3 hours.

Locally, five sextuplets have died. But at least the parents' faith is strong. Not strong enough to save their babies, I suppose. I'm not a big fan of fertility treatments for this very reason. Humans aren't meant to have litters, and until we can do something to keep these multiple babies alive, a lot of money is being wasted to create children that will live short, tortured lives. There are a lot of kids out there who would like to be adopted.

Anyone who gets the reference in my title is totally crescent fresh.

To be even more awesome, give the Affiliate a little scratch for her walk. She's nearly gotten to her goal, but she only has a month left. If you love boobies, or anyone who has boobies, you can't go wrong.

Your Back Pain leader.