Monday, December 31, 2007

All The Swingers Have Turned To Swine

(Title - "New Year's Eve" by Ike Reilly Assassination)

No more Vikings updates. They came back, then T-Jack choked. QB controversy, here we come! (Negative points to the STrib for the "Rocky Mountain Sigh" headline.)

So, it's New Year's Eve. This will be my last post of the year, as I'll be pretty drunk tomorrow night. I'm writing this from the desk at work. Last time I posted from the desk, I won an award. I doubt that will happen today.

I've been thinking of where to go with this blog. "Quo vadimus?", I ask my other selves. I've never been much of a political blogger. I don't know enough about domestic or foreign affairs to write authoritatively, and writing about politicians themselves makes me both angry and bored. I also don't have the patience to create a well defined argument and write it out coherantly. I don't read enough news to be an aggregator, and I don't care enough about any issue to be an issue blogger. (Hell, even Swiftee has the St. Paul School Board and his hate of gays.) Top 11 lists are taken, and I didn't recently have a child. I can't write in a consistent enough voice to relentlessly mock a certain STrib columnist, I'm not a science professor or Canadian schoolteacher, I don't fisk letters to the editor and I don't really like writing about poop. I am also not Evil Bobby. (I think I got everyone there.)

So what to do? I certainly won't stop, since I amuse myself when I go back a read my stuff. When I started my job, I said I wouldn't write about work except in the vaguest of terms (I have to save something for my book when I retire, right?). I've been reading some personal blogs (The ones people make fun of), and I realized that most of the interesting and exciting stuff that happens to me I won't write about here. So what am I left with?

Exactly what I've been doing. Random postings about TV, music, werewolves, zombies, animals, weirdness, religion, right-wing nut-jobs, um, just check out my labels and you'll see. I will be seeking out werewolf and zombie info to post this year, that's for sure.

I will have one big change - I'm going back and identifying all of the songs I use to title my posts. My gift to you in the new year. (Fuck that - That's more boring than handicapping the Party Nominees (and I get the blog I forgot)) 2008 will be a blast. I can just feel it.

What's coming? The 2008 Republican convention. Mediocre Vikings and Twins seasons. Me liveblogging my wedding(?) and The Affiliate's and my honeymoon in London/Paris. I'm sure other fun stff will happen too.

Rest assured, I will continue to be funny when I want, informative when I can, and I will certainly be better than a certain gob that ran to Costa Rica to avoid the Minnesota Winter.

Your Whiskey Turns To Rhymes leader.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

A Quick Video Post

Not safe for work (Which means funny as hell).

He's got some other funny stuff too. (Via Amber)

Thursday, December 27, 2007

All I Wanna Do Is To Thank You

(Geggy Tah)

X-mas went well for me. The Affiliate went all out. She got me the best gift ever; Two bags of white-chocolate M&M's from the promotion for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. They haven't been available in stores for a year and a half. Awesome. And tasty.

Finally, I receive the accolades I deserve. I would like to thank the citizens of Minneapolis, without whom I could not have earned this Spotty™ award. As a side note, all of the examples in that post actually happened to me.

I'm also highlighted by Jon Swift, the best blogger named after a dead Irish writer on the Internet. He understands the threat of Zombies, and wanted to spread the word, I'm sure.

The tragic tiger attack in San Francisco may have a cause no one has mentioned yet. Obviously, the tiger had just learned that his cousin had been beheaded and skinned in China.

And finally, my Top 10 CD's of the year (Only CD's I own are eligible.)

Number 1: "We Belong to the Staggering Evening" - Ike Reilly Assassination

(See, I only bought 1 CD this year, and I didn't really buy it, I got it as a gift. I'm having a little fun with the idea that I don't buy CD's much anymore, instead downloading most of my music. See how that went?)

Your New Year's Eve Can't Come Quickly Enough leader.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Boys In The NYPD Choir Were Singin' "Galway Bay" (Vikings 8-7)

Ouch. A question for the league: Can a coach throw the red flag to ask if there were other penalties on a play? Offsides seems pretty cut and dried. Some pass interference penalties are pretty obvious too. Just curious.

While listening to the game, there were ads from American service-persons sending their families holiday greetings. I think Bill O'Reilly needs to look into our liberal military, because most of them said "Happy Holidays," not "Merry Christmas" as they would have said if they were true Americans. (This was snark. I love our service-members.)

The Vikings loss wasn't all bad, at least for me. You know how many boobs I saw after the game? Five! (Party bus + booze + red light + cop = Girls flashing)

I actually got out for a movie this week. I saw "Juno" at the Uptown Theater. (Note: I breaking a KAR rule here, because the movie was written by Diablo Cody.)

It was good. Some have called Cody the next Tarentino when it comes to writing movies. I'd say "Juno's" dialog would have fit in in a better episode of "Gilmore Girls." (That's a compliment, by the way.) The performances were very good, and the movie is funny as hell. It's a good story (Pregnant teenage girl decides to give the zygote up for adoption, then deals with the pregnancy and the couple who are going to adopt from her), and Ellen Page brings humor and feeling to teenage Juno.

I haven't seen anything that might be considered Oscar worthy this year, so I have nothing to compare, but I wouldn't be surprised if this wins an Original Screenplay award. I would like to see what Amy Sherman-Palladino can do with a feature length film before naming Diablo Cody the second-coming when it comes to writers. I give "Juno" 3 1/2 out of 5 stars. Go see it.

"Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem" comes out on X-mas. It may be a happy holiday after all. Except I'll be working.

Your Christmas Eve In The Drunk Tank leader.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I Am The Cybernetic Ghost Of Christmas Past, From The Future

The Vikings are still in control of their playoff destiny. Why does that send a chill down my spine?

OK, note to the Pioneer Press: Your website sucks. Your links don't work. Your category listings' links all just lead to the front page. I'd really rather link to you, but I can't, because I can't find the stories I want. The Internet is important to your readers under the age of 40. Also, "Twin" needs to go. You're the Pioneer Press. Let's not shy away from the name.

Last night, I was wondering why that dog was at the 331 Club with a video camera strapped to his collar. Now I know why:

(via Spotty)

Please know that the guy in the Santa hat was quite drunk when trying to sing an X-mas carol from the far future.

Mitt "My Dad Marched With MLK (OK, Not Really, But Wouldn't It Be Great If He Had?)" Romney tries to backpedal.
"If you look at the literature, if you look at the dictionary, the term 'saw' includes being aware of in the sense I've described," Romney told reporters in Iowa. "It's a figure of speech and very familiar, and it's very common. And I saw my dad march with Martin Luther King. I did not see it with my own eyes, but I saw him in the sense of being aware of his participation in that great effort."

What the hell does that even mean? You know, I "saw" all four of the Vikings Super Bowl losses. And by that I mean that I am aware that they lost four Super Bowls. See how that works? What a schmuck.

Ah, is there anything better than the excitement and trepidation of Cephalopodmas Eve? The Hillock says, "No."

(Yes, it's a picture from last year. It's the idea that counts, right, Mitt?)

Everything you know is wrong.

Your "Thousands Of Years Ago" leader.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

A Public Service Announcement Followed Me Home The Other Day

People call the police for a lot of strange reasons. Many calls involve criminal or suspected criminal behavior. Others involve people with honest to god problems that the police are in a position to help with (e.g. Cars stuck in the middle of the street; Lost stuff that needs to be given to somebody). Then there are the other calls ...

There's a popular belief out there that cops are people who are too dumb to get another job. Why, then, do people believe we have some sort of powerful wisdom that no one else has? I understand people asking about legal matters. We're cheaper than lawyers, since we are required to answer the phone and talk to whomever calls. Remember, we aren't lawyers, and don't have all of the answers. If a cop says they don't know, they really don't. We don't like to look ignorant, after all.

What you should do in your personal life, however, is another matter. I don't know if you should let so-and-so move in with you. Chances are, I haven't met the person. I'm not an accountant, and can't tell you what to do with your money (I will advise you not to store hundreds of thousands of dollars in the crawlspace under your house, though, if you ask). I can't enforce a non-existant court order to get your kids back from Dad's house when you are unwilling to go get them yourself.

If a bouncer kicks you out of a bar, it was for a good reason. I can't get you back in (and probably wouldn't even if I could). If the bouncer insulted you, that's not a crime, and I don't know what you should do to get over the experience. Maybe find a therapist. Or another bar.

Some other tips:

A drunk guy walking down the street isn't a police matter unless they start harming themselves or someone else. If we could cart every drunk person away, downtown would be empty every night.

If your friend says she met some guy at the bar and she's going home with him, by all means try and stop her. Don't report her as a missing person when you can't find her later. There's a good chance she went home with the guy.

I don't really like writing reports. Don't say you lost your wallet, then say you want to report it stolen. When you admit the report would be a lie, I'm really not going to write it.

We can't raise your kids. Kids act up. A lot. It's what kids do. Don't threaten to have us arrest them if they won't pick up their toys. It makes them either A) scared to ask a cop for help when they need it or B) make unneccessary calls to the police when they get older and can't figure out what to do.

If some guy you knew in high school 20 years ago calls you out of the blue for some help, and you show up and he's not there, go home. He got the money for his crack from someone else.

I know you think of him as your baby, but your 22 year-old son who lives in the basement room is an adult, and we're not going to go bring him home from his friend's house because his friend is a "bad influence."

Also, even if teenagers don't stay out late against their parents' wishes in your culture, your kid lives here now, where teenagers do all kinds of fucked up things. Your kid is assimilating. That's not always bad.

We are not private investigators. If you don't even know if the person you're trying to find is in the city, there's only so much we can do. Take what info we can give you and hire someone who can devote 12 hours a day to your case. I'm not lying when I say there's no record of the person in our database. Really.

Telling me you're calling from the mental hospital is not going to increase your credibility that the "someone" who told you something bad is happening in your apartment actually exists. Sure, I'll check it out, but don't call me a liar when I say there was nothing wrong. Also, I don't know every drug dealer in the city. Repeating over and over that some guy named "Dave," who sells drugs ("You know Dave, right?"), is somehow involved won't help either.

I also don't want to get into a long conversation about your history of mental illness. I have friends to do that with. And no, I don't know the cop who was really nice to you 28 years ago. I wasn't born yet. Keep calling, and the hospital will get a call from me to revoke your phone privilages.

I don't need to know every bit of history between you and the person who has been harrassing you. If he/she's harrassing you now, that's enough. If I say "fast forward," I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to get to the crux of the current problem so I can get the information I need and go back up another officer going to a person with a gun call.

It's OK to flirt with me when I'm standing around downtown. Or inside the gas station/coffee shop. Or pretty much anywhere, as long as I don't look busy. Telling me a man in uniform is sexy will make me happy for several hours.

Sometimes we're happy to give advice. That's a bonus for you (or not, depending on the cop who shows up). It's not our job to make personal decisions for you, however. We're not going to sit around and wait for you to parse down all of your choices. Here's the one piece of wisdom I've picked up in my life; If you can't make the right decision, sometimes making the wrong decision is better than making no decision at all. And sometimes, there simply is no "right" decision.

It's OK to call for help. Just accept that we can't always help, and when we tell you there's nothing we can do, we mean it. You may not like it; we probably don't like it. But despite what some people may say, we are not in a police state, and the cops aren't all powerful. Sometimes you'll have to do things for yourself.

And remember, if there's any doubt at all, go ahead and call. I'll tell you if your call is bullshit, or if there's simply nothing I can do. It's only a waste of my time when you don't accept my answer.

Your Code 4 leader.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Cars & Girls & Drinks & Song (& Bacon)

I shall now commence to freak out Mark by posting yet again this week.

I am a big supporter of mass transit, but it's not always the best choice for transportation.

Seven year-old girls should not have to take a bullet for their mothers. This girl could be a great leader someday. Does anyone doubt that prison is too good for the fuckwad that shot her?

Drinking Liberally gives back next week. Bring an unwrapped toy for a tot to the 331 Club in Nor'east on Thursday night. We'll be giving them all to the Marines in time for X-mas. Then stay for a drink or 3. Spotty will be there with his doggy video camera.

As you shop for X-mas gifts, you may be wondering, "Where does that really bad X-mas music come from?" Here's your answer.

And finally, a possible running mate for Bacon.

Either that, or a horribly embarrassing photo that could end Bacon's political career.

Your Take the A-Train leader.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


Baby DL has escaped been delivered lured out with promises of candy and whiskey. I'll just link to the pictures, because babies kind of creep me out.

Congratulations, Robin and Steve. If you need a babysitter, I'm sure a bunch of your relatives would be more than happy to help out. (You were expecting me to offer help? See above statement about babies. When she turns 18, have her give me a call, though ;))

Since I don't have cute human baby pictures, here's a different cute baby picture.

(It's a baby tapir)

Your Wahh, Wahh leader.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Vote For Deliciousness

I'll take medical events for $600, Alex. What is Myocardial Infarction?

Hopefully this won't affect Bacon's chances at getting elected. My guess is Alex eats more Canadian Bacon, which, of course, is ineligible for the Presidency.

Obviously, Kool-Aid Report knows of my propensity to endorse strange things, and is counting on my 5 readers to vote next November. Now, I know it's early, but I am finally excited about a candidate. This may be premature, but I'm ready to endorse for President, unless a terrible running mate is chosen, of course.

Your Sizzling leader.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Snow Lay On The Ground (Vikings 7-6)

Can someone send a note to Cities 97 that sunset was 4 hours ago. Then they can end their "Accoustic Sunset," and get back to playing regular versions of generic adult comtemporary rock.

I've calculated that I am paid about $2400 a year to use the bathroom at work, which is absolutely awesome. This bathroom related tidbit is brought about from reading Jeremy at Afterglide. He writes about poop a lot, and it got me thinking. You should also take his test to see if you could become a serial killer. Check the comments, because he obviously is a dangerous fellow, with his wanton disregard for the noble and majestic tapir.

Time for links to stuff.

This guy must love bacon even more than I do. (via KAR)

What are we calling "Mohammed?" (via PZ) Personally, I would like a stuffed emu. I'd name it Emo the emu. I would imagine it would have a voice like Emo Philips, and would make strange observations about life as a flightless bird.

Also from PZ, the War on X-mas(TM) continues here.

Of yeah. The Vikes bi-atched San Fransisco, and are in sole possession of the last wild-card playoff berth, if the playoffs started today. That's 4 straight wins, in case you weren't counting.

Cities 97 just played "Dixie The Tiny Dog," so they can be forgiven for now.

Your Out At The Station leader.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Technoviking (Vikings 6-6)

Playoffs! Playoffs?! I will give the Lions credit for holding Adrian Peterson to a measly 116 yards, although he did only carry 15 times.

I think this guy would be pleased with the result this week. Dance, Technoviking, dance!

(h/t to Chris)

Your Winning Out leader.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Here It's December Every Day

What a beautiful day, I say. I love a good snowstorm. This isn't the best I've seen, but it's a good start to the season.

Also, I forgot to mention perhaps the greatest Christmas song of all; The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York."

Inmates take money over fruit. Don't tell Det. Crews.

Your Winter Wonderland leader.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Enduring Tortures, Most Of Which Rhyme

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes yes yes! I am not waiting for X-mas. No, I'm off today to buy my own copy.

Now, it's the X-mas season, which means there's a war on. That war is fought on one side by having several local radio stations play nothing but really bad X-mas music until next February. Here's an overview of some of the songs you'll be hearing, despite liberals making sure Christmas is banned in this country.

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' - One of those traditional Christian tunes, about the savior of all humanity, Rudolph. Seriously, there's a version of this song that asks, "Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" If we don't recall him, he's not too famous, is he? Also, the song glorifies the fact that all of the bullies come to love Rudolph only after he proves useful to them. Nice message.

"The Christmas Song" - "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ...' Great song. Evokes family and friendship. Isn't played enough.

"Jingle Bell Rock"/"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" - Ironically, two of the least "rockin'" songs ever. They make "The Electric Slide" seem edgy.

"Oh Holy Night" - Perhaps my favorite Christmas song, even if it is religious. If sung simply, it can be quite beautiful.

"Silent Night"/"Stille Nacht" - Another good religious song. It's better in German.

"Happy Holiday" - A devious entry by notorious anti-Christian Bing Crosby. Still pretty annoying.

"A Wonderful Christmas Time" - Oh, Paul, how could you put all of the retail workers through this hell? You're lucky you were in The Beatles, or death would be too good for you.

"Last Christmas" - Wham made sure they wouldn't be forgotten. Perhaps being hated forever is better than not being remembered at all.

Of course, the newer X-mas songs tend to be the worst, yet they get a lot more air time. Anything to make my November and December even more unbearable, right?

Your Maybe This Christmas leader.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I Tried to Rise, But I Wasn't Able (Vikings 5-6)

("Nancy Whiskey" - Trad.)

I'll keep this in mind for my bachelor party.

It would take 24 shots of Whiskey to kill me
The Vikes are back in the playoff race. There's a sentence I didn't think I'd be writing for a few years. Apparently they own the New York Giants. Awesome.

Get better soon.

Your To The House leader.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Happy Thinksgiving, Thanksgiving and Thunksgiving. (You know, like Think, Thank, Thunk. Get it? (c Common Man)).

Turkey picture.

Wow. Two bad jokes in as many jokes.

Now a real Turkey.

Enjoy your meal, and give thanks that you aren't at work like I am.

Your Thankful leader.

Update: A little late, but keep this in mind for next year.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Officer Down

Mark Bedard 1973-2007

Please do whatever it is you do to remember people when they die. And give to his family, if you are able.


I probably should have put this here, since I asked you to donate:

c/o City County Federal Credit Union
4701 Chicago Ave. SouthMinneapolis, MN 55407


Donations can be dropped at anf CCFCU location.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

When Will We Be Married In The Same Bed

("When Will We Be Married" - The Waterboys)

Tommy "T.D." Mischke writes about marriage. Tradition be damned, this is a great post.
I went into my marriage knowing full well how badly I screwed up some important things in my life. Why assume I could master this? I only agreed to give it one hell of a shot.

Could it be put better than that? (Note to The Affiliate: Don't read that post ;))

Barreiro going to KSTP? I think it's funny that Ron Rosenbaum, who was fired from KSTP, is representing Barreiro on a possible move to KSTP. I'd put him on from 5-8, after Soucheray. He's better than Matt Thomas by a long shot. You could eliminate the need for the last half-hour of sports talk on GL, and while I wouldn't want an asset like Barreiro going to waste by preempting him for Twins games in the summer, KFAN had no problem doing it with the Timberwolves games, so it's doable.

I've tried to comment over at Shot in the Dark, but Wordpress won't let me sign in, no matter how often I register and get a password. In any case, I'll link this story as my response to Mitch's post. Not to mention that the guy in Mitch's story was carrying a gun and still couldn't prevent his car from being stolen. (via Norwegianity)

On a lighter note, here's an animal e-mail I got:

8 am-Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am-A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am-A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am-Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
Noon-Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:30-Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3pm-Chased a squirrel! My favorite thing!
5pm-Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7pm-Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8pm-Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11pm-Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrated what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet while he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released-and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him
in an elevated cell, so he is safe....for now.

How true.

Your Wedding Bells leader.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Such A Lovely Day, And I'm Glad You Feel The Same (Vikings 3-5)

Well, the yearly sign of change from Fall to Winter has come again; An NFL rookie running for 296 yards. I'll just add that I saw the record breaking 109 yard field goal return live and in person. That's pretty sweet, even if it was the other team.

Also, there was snow yesterday. Just light flurries, but it made me smile.

To Mitch and my friends at The Patriot, the "Only conservative station in the Twin Cities*;" Apparently conservative isn't what sells here. You can make fun of Air America for being a terrible radio station (I basically agree), but they gained listeners while you lost listeners, and now you have the same ratings. Maybe dead air and running 3 commercials at the same time isn't the best strategy. Or having only 8 hours of local programming a week. Or having multiple hosts with the exact same show day in and day out. Oh well, I'm sure that joining Townhall will help to diversify your shows and make them more interesting.

*(I heard this on a NARN show. It reminds me of one of the other "Only conservative stations" here, KTLK, calling itself the "First FM news talk" station in the Twin Cities. As if FM 107 hasn't been around for a while. Although FM 107 is woman oriented, so I guess it really doesn't count as news talk. The probably just talk about shoes and baking and stuff.)

Sometimes I can't help but feel schadenfreude, especially when it comes to people as haughty as the NARNians.

Your Record Breaking leader.

Friday, November 02, 2007

This Is Halloween

Wow. Ok. Seriously? Even Michael Medved is against Halloween, but because he believes it is an occult holiday. His wife disagrees (and why can't he keep her in line?), but I think Medved has more of a playful rejection of the holiday than Hannity. Of course, one of Medved's arguments was that Halloween didn't pop up in America until the 50's, so it isn't a real tradition. I wonder how he feels about "In God We Trust" appearing on our money (At least since the 1950's).

Hannity, on the other hand, is just a schmuck.

Your Witches And Warlocks leader.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

The Sun Is Burning In The Sky

My title today comes from a discussion with Mark about what folk music is. I could have gone with "Tom Dooley," but I decided against it.

As The TK LappDogg pointed out in the comments a bit back, The MN Swarm season is back on. Its home schedule will be released as soon as they contact their fans and find out when they can show up. (Joke courtesy of the Pioneer Press' "The Loop")

Anyway, my real point today is a quick overview of TV this year. At least the shows I watch.

Mon: "How I Met Your Mother" has been coupled with a good partner, "The Big Bang Theory." If you're a mid-twentys aged nerd, you really need to watch this stuff. "Heroes" is boring this year but not as bad as the critics keep saying. I'm really digging "Journeyman" as a new "Quantum Leap," with a little less camp factor. "Prison Break" and "K-Ville" are another good match, although "Prison Break" is still saddled with the problem of trying to get a guy out of prison on a timeline, but not too quickly. Anthony Anderson on "K-Ville" is awesome, as usual.

Tues: Only "The Unit" on Tuesday. I'm mostly upset that they changed the theme song from the old running cadence to something more mysterious. Still a solid show.

Wed: "Bionic Woman" is watchable for now, but I can see it getting old quickly. At least, outside of the watching Michelle Ryan. That won't get old for many years. "Life," on the other hand, is the most compelling new show this year for me. The writing and humor are sharp, and the characters are well acted. Adam Arkin is welcome in any TV show, as far as I'm concerned. Also, NBC has put two British actors playing Americans in main roles in successive shows, which I find interesting.

Thurs: NBC's comedy block has gotten stale. (Note: I don't watch "30 Rock.") On the other hand, "The Office" is still funnier than most shows, and "My Name is Earl," when it's funny, rivals "The Office." "Earl" just happens to miss more often than it hits. "Scrubs" just came back, so we'll see if it stays funny. "ER" and "Grey's Anatomy" are now the same show. How long until "Anatomy" has no original cast members left" I give it 4 years. I'm also still watching "Smallville," but don't ask me why. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" continues to be the most offensively funny show on TV. Seriously, those guys make the "Seinfeld" characters look like saints.

Fri: I decided to try out "Moonlight," and I'll stick with it as long as my DVR doesn't get too backed up. Vampire detective hot for non-vampire tabloid reporter. We all know the story.

Sat: "Torchwood" is an impressive "Doctor Who" spin-off. There have been some very good episodes, and the whole mythology is intriguing, at least for a sci-fi guy like me.

I'll ignore Sunday, because the Fox "Animation Domination" hasn't changed a lick.

That's all.

Your Too Much TV leader.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Baptismal Blood

Now, I'm not really a metal guy, but I realize I've been remiss in mentioning my buddy's band, Epicurean, which certainly is a bunch of metal guys.

I mention it now because I want to be the first person on the net to have the term Cuntface Razorhands, The Hate Pope on my blog. (You'll need to highlight that line if you want to read it. It's really offensive, even for me. In fact, if you aren't Mark or one of the band guys, you probably should not highlight it. It includes the term "Hate Pope," and that's the printable part.)

I hear the hot new thing the hip kids do to be hip is to smoke a fat joint and watch "Life," and pretend to understand what Det. Crews is talking about.

Your Just Got Back From A Bachelor Party leader.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Vikings 2-4

I'm with this guy.

But She Said, "I'm Sure You're Mistaken"

I've not written for a while. I've been in mourning. Now, I'm usually on the side of a union, but I am left wondering if these guys realized that they are professional lacrosse players, and should be grateful just to be able to eat every day.

This article left me feeling sad for people. It's about changes in Minnesota funeral law. The first line left me scratching my head. Is it beneath the dignity of a dead man to ride in the back of a pickup truck? Really? this is what we're worried about? The dead man, well, he's dead, and really has no dignity.

The State Health Guy in charge of mortuary science, David Beneke, says the changes were made to, "
prevent someone from disposing of a dead body in an unacceptable manner, such as a funeral pyre." He then adds, "If there was a group that was doing this continuously for 25 years, we would allow it." Which means that there can be no new funeral traditions ever again. And besides, what's wrong with a funeral pyre? It was good enough for the folks in the old country.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but there is no logical reason to restrict how a body can be disposed of except that the people who get paid to dispose of the bodies want to keep getting paid. There are illogical reasons, like, oh, this:

Benke said the law still would allow a body to be transported in a van or an SUV. But the state wants to prohibit bodies transported in pickup trucks or trailers, even if they are covered.

"We don't think that's respectful to the deceased," he said.

It's not the Health Department's job to tell me what is respectful to my dead family member. If it is unhealthy for a corpse to be placed in the back of an open truck, make the case. Leave respect for the dead to people who know the dead.

Considering that morticians can get a religious waver for some rules, I'm guessing the rules have little to do with public health. Although it wouldn't be the first time that religious beliefs were used to fight against public health.

Finally, this story makes me feel better about macing squirrels on my back porch.

Your Bring Out Your Dead leader.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A Looming Threat

I knew I started reading PubHouse Dialogues for a reason. Ganesha has received shocking video footage of new Zombie "Rules of Engagement" in their attempt to devour all of Minneapolis and deprive its citizens of beer and nachos.

I saw some of this action on city surveillance while downtown on Saturday night. Apparently someone leaked to the Zombies that I would be confined to the Warehouse District on foot for the evening. With their arch-nemesis otherwise occupied, the Zombies descended on the Cedar-Riverside area.

Here are some more shocking photos the soulless creatures released. Obviously, Jeremy at Afterglide is a state enemy. I will be keeping watch on his site, and you should too. Only together can we stop the Zombie Menace from destroying our upper-lower-middle-class way of life (Excluding Spotty, who lives in Edina).

Also, someone should really tell him that the plural of "cul-de-sac" is "culs-de-sac," not "cul-de-sacs." This lack of knowledge of the French language clearly shows that no détente is possible.

Your Fight the Good Fight leader.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Jump, Jive an' Wail

The Greatest Generation shows that they could do it better. They played chess with their captives? What a bunch of pussies. A "Battle of wits?" What, were these guys French interrogators? Well, one became a history professor, so that's all you need to know.

But that's OK. We don't torture anyone. Except when we do.

How will the right smear our WWII veterans and come out looking better than before? We'll have to wait and see.

Your Waterboard leader.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Trample on Your Yesterdays

("God And Money" - Ike Reily Assassination)

Anyone interested in working with Gil Grissom? It doesn't pay enough for me, and I don't think I could live in Nevada. Hurry, though. The job closes the 10th.

Me too.

I think he deserved more than 5 months. Although, whomever named the ostrich Gaylord should be punished too.

Good Night.

Your Slow Week leader.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I Got Real Scars

A question for John McCain; Is he worried that a non-Christian might actually get elected President in his lifetime (Or mine, for that matter)? Why would this question even be asked?

Quote: "I prefer someone who I know who has a solid grounding in my faith." That's fine. I'd prefer that too, although it's not realistic in America at the moment. It also isn't in the Top 10 of things look at, so no matter.

Next quote: "The Mormon religion is a religion that I don't share, but I respect. More importantly, I've known so many people of the Mormon faith who have been so magnificent," So you prefer someone of your own faith, or a Mormon. Also, I'm sure you know people of many other faiths (and none at all) who are magnificent, so we'll count them in as OK for President.

Another: "I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and to defend our political values." Muslims: Also in.

So now we see that John McCain would prefer someone with a "solid grounding" in his own faith, but you could practice Shinto for all he cares if you do good things or defend your political values.

McCain managed to piss of non-Christians while basically saying that he doesn't really care about a candidate's religion. The worst part is he was obviously trying to say he does care about a candidate's religion, and got so caught up in political double-speak that he didn't even get that right. What he actually said is how it should be. What he was trying to say is what makes politics and religion such a fun mix.

The best quote of the whole article: "(The) Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation." Wow. You can argue that the Founders were all Christians. You can argue that America was founded as a Christian nation. But the lack of mention of God or Christ in the Constitution makes it impossible to use that document as an argument for those things.

If I were making a Christian nation, I'd be sure to mention Christ at some point, and I'm not nearly as smart as the Founding Fathers. Gouverneur Morris could have thrown in Christ or God right between "justice" and "domestic Tranquility." He didn't.

I once liked McCain politically. Then he cozied up to a guy who smeared him in some pretty unforgivable ways just to win an election. Now, apparently, McCain is going to try and win back the religious nuts whom he lost by calling Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson what they were back when he was still a politician one could look up to. And he's doing a poor job of it.

Way to go, Senator.

Your More Perfect Union leader.

Friday, September 28, 2007

A Year Behind the Meme

I have a few new blogs added to the old 'roll.

Two Knives, which is not at all based on "The Simpsons," but is instead a young lady fed up with the extent to which our consumerist society is controlled by advertising. We had a nice argument tonight before we realized we were saying the exact same thing. Happens to me all of the time.

(Strangely, of all of the crap on YouTube, there is no clip of "The Simpsons" where Moe talks about how great it is to have two knives)

Next we have PubHouse Dialogues, which, if nothing else, showed me that I didn't know how to spell "dialogue." Also, there's something called "Fat Man Ranting," which is apparently like a 3 hour 5 minute podcast. (It's late and I have to watch "The Office," so I didn't actually listen to the whole thing. Or more than about 2 minutes. Sue me.) And dialogue still looks wrong to me, but Webster says it's correct.

Finally, here's Zesticle. The name itself is enough to draw me in, but the writing reminded me a bit of Kevin-M. Now, Kevin-M hasn't been writing much in the last year, so a replacement is in order. (Don't worry - Insomnia Report is not leaving the blogroll yet.) This post reminded me of some conversations I've had with Mark, which isn't always a good thing.

So there's that.

Now, I got an iPod. Finally. So I'm going to play a little game that I vaguely remember people doing a while back. In my defense, The Onion does this as an interview tool. So, a random selection of songs (Note: I'm not done filling the iPod yet)

1. "Four of Two" - They Might Be Giants
From their children's album, "NO!," this is a cute song about a guy who believes the woman he loves will be coming in mere minutes. Unfortunately, he bases this on a clock that is apparently stuck at the titular time. The song mentions "gigantic metal bugs," which makes me like it.

2. "The Piano Has Been Drinking" - Tom Waits
Anthropomorphic barroom items with serious flaws. Or maybe the singer is just projecting...

3. "You Don't Know" - Reel Big Fish
From the less ska oriented "Why Do They Rock So Hard?", a fuck you to people who can't accept that some people have different tastes in music. Interestingly, Goldfinger has basically the same song that came out around the same time. I like them both.

4. "Walk Unafraid" - R.E.M.
From my favorite album, "Up." Not my favorite song. A song about forging one's own path, and learning from mistakes. I think. Like most songs on the album, it's a little vague.

5. "Duty Free" - Cracker
An Ike Reilly cover. Who knew that those even existed? Actually, it's a re-imagining, as the lyrics are mostly different, except for the line, There are some lines that can't be crossed/But sometimes, those lines get lost. The tune is the same, and both songs have their merits. Interestingly, this isn't listed as a single on Cracker's wikipedia page, yet I only know this song from hearing it on the radio.

That's enough for now. Nothing too embarrassing, and Tom Waits gives me a little music cred, I think.

Wow. Something called Perez Hilton is on TV. I must get away from it. See ya.

Your Add, Then Take Away leader.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

There Was A Place, And The Name Of The Place Escapes Me

("Someday I Suppose" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones)

Robert Jordan died a few days ago. I never read his Wheel of Time series. For one, I had heard it was very dense. Also, I assumed that it would never end, or Jordan would die before he could finish it. I get enough lack of closure from TV cancellations. For once, I was right. Jordan didn't finish his last book. Sucks for fans. Sucks for his family that he died too.

Professor fired for not believing in fairy tales. Why isn't the right attacking this firing for being anti-Catholic? Catholics don't believe the Bible is literal. Are they allowed to express that belief in Des Moines without being fired? From the story: "So it'd be no different than saying the world was not created in six days in science class." Of course there are places where saying that would get you run out of town, so we'll see if they accept that argument.

The truth about cats.

Your Someday I Suppose leader.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What Pattern Does A Scottish Pirate Wear? Arrrrrrgyle

It begins. International Talk Like A Pirate Day is about to begin here in the Central Daylight Time Zone. Arr, me mateys. We shall tell jokes that will make yer skin boil and yer blood crawl.

Why couldn't the young pirate see the movie? It was rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

How does a pirate poison someone? He uses arrrrrrsenic.

What do pirates do when they disagree? They arrrrrrrrrrrrgue.

How does a pirate keep his refrigerator smelling fresh? Arrrrrrrrrm and Hammer.

What happened to the pirate who broke a minor rule while serving in the Navy? He got an Arrrrrrrrrticle 15. (Bet you didn't see that one coming)

And as a Navy man, the college football game he most looked forward to was against Arrrrrrrrrmy.

He got tickets to see the Arrrrrmy/Navy game once. He sat on the 50 yarrrrrrrd line.

What is a pirate's favorite drink? Rum, of course.

The pirate doesn't mix rum with Diet Coke, though. Know why? It has arrrrrrtificial sweeteners.

What kind of music do pirates like? Arrrrrr & B.

And the pirate's favorite Arrrrrr & B singer? Arrrrrrrrrrr Kelly.

Our pirate likes to tell jokes as well. He doesn't tell them very well, though. One joke he likes ends like this: "Arrrrrnge you glad I didn't say banana again?"

I will update throughout the day.

Your One Day for Pirate Puns leader.

More Than All You Can Eat

Mr. President, can you find a sovereign nation on a map?

Quick, someone donate a map for the president!

I ate at a little bistro in downtown Mpls last night called Fogo de Chao (apologies to Brazilians; I don't know how to make the little squiggly over the "a"). Wow.

The idea behind the place is meat. Many kinds. As much as you want. Delivered to the table by guys in gaucho pants. For $50, it's worth checking out, but man is that a lot of food. And they don't relent in bringing the meat. Ever. Bring an appetite, and maybe a treadmill for working out afterwards.

Speaking of meat, an assessment of people;

Your Meat leader.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

2 Posts in One Day

This is really unprecedented, but I had a few questions about something I read over at the Cucking Stool. Apparently, the gloriously unfunny Kathy Griffin decided that thanking God and Jesus wasn't the way to go after (*sigh*) receiving an Emmy for her (*sigh*) "reality" show, (oh come on, seriously? *sigh*) "My Life on the D-List."

“A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this. He had nothing to do with this,” Griffin said in her acceptance speech. “Suck it, Jesus. This award is my God now.”

Now the Catholic League got pissed about this, calling it "hate speech." The Emmy people caved like a cheap card table, leading Bill Donohue to applaud censorship -

“The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences reacted responsibly to our criticism of Kathy Griffin’s verbal assault on 85 percent of the U.S. population. The ball is now in Griffin’s court. The self-described ‘complete militant atheist’ needs to make a swift and unequivocal apology to Christians. If she does, she will get this issue behind her. If she does not, she will be remembered as a foul-mouthed bigot for the rest of her life.”

Here's the question; Why is this hate speech? She didn't say, "Suck it, Catholics." I mean, Jesus would have a right to be offended if he weren't dead or imaginary, depending on the reference you use, but she did not direct her statements towards Christians in general, did she? She made an insult towards an individual, not a group. How does that make her a bigot? Also, if the award is her god, isn't this censoring religious speech?

Here's another interesting quote:

“It is sure bet that if Griffin had said, ‘Suck it, Muhammad,’ there would have been a very different reaction from the crowd and from the media who covered this event. To say nothing of the Muslim reaction.”

This quote is valid. If she had said this, Muslims would be denouncing Kathy Griffin and demanding that she be censored and demanding a swift and unequivocal apology, calling her a foul-mouthed bigot if she didn't do so.

Me, I'd still think the joke was funny. Which would raise the total of Kathy Griffin jokes I've found funny to one.

This would not have been an insult to Christians if they hadn't somehow decided they are being persecuted by the vast minority of non-Christians in America. Tell me again how it's possible that your claimed 85% of the country is somehow being held down by the few of us atheists who might want to make a joke or two about the people running the country? If a person who makes a disparaging remark involving god or Jesus is a Christian, are they then a bigot? Will you revise your 85% down to exclude anyone who makes any jokes about Jesus?

Is it possible the "Christian community" has gotten a little thin-skinned? Hell, no one watches the Emmys. This would have gone unheard if not for the Catholic League. I'm pretty sure your religion can survive some jokes. As Kevin Smith said, god must have a sense of humor - he created the platypus, right?

Your Dodging Lightning leader.

Oh Yeah!!

Check out my open thread at Kool-Aid Report. And we'll see if Swiftee drops the act and starts hitting on me at this thread.

Seriously, I'm not sure what one does with an Open Thread. Maybe I'll e-mail Sisyphus.

Your Comment Away leader.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Century Mark - (Or, Why'd It Take 2 Years?)

Post 100, in case you were wondering. That doesn't include all of the carefully crafted drafts that were abandoned because they just weren't good enough. (Oh, man how sad would that be if it were actually true?)

In honor of this ridiculously weak milestone, here's a link about the internet.

Now that I've made 100 posts, you may not hear from me for a while. i got a new computer game that is promising to take all of my free time. It's called "Medieval II: Total War."

I'll see you when I do.

Your Conquering Europe leader.

Monday, September 10, 2007

We're Comin'! We're Comin'! Vikings 1-0

So that was interesting. A 24-3 victory over the hated Joey Harrington and the Falcons puts the Minnesota Vikings in a tie for first place with ... everyone but the Bears? What strangeness could this season hold, when the only team thought capable of winning in the lowly NFC North is the only team not to win on opening day? Sure, the Bears played San Diego, but I see this as a harbinger of things to come.

I was going to live-blog game 1, but I was stuck in the 8th row of the end-zone seats at Metrodome, so that was quite impossible. Maybe next week.

Anyway, Adrian Peterson was brilliant, and even T-Jack wasn't all that bad (his interception may not have been his fault, but the other two dropped interceptions were only because of the hapless Falcons defense). The vaunted Vikings defense did what they were supposed to, and I predict they will outscore the offense at least through the bye week.

I didn't make a pre-season prediction, but considering I had them beating Atlanta anyway, my season pick is 9-6. Maybe the playoffs, but I doubt it. T-Jack just isn't good enough yet. The Vikes may be exciting to watch, however, which is more than I have been able to say for the last few years.

Your Skoal, Vikings! leader.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

What is Truth?

Truth is an i-Pod full of music.

Your Whorish Shill leader.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Which Side Are You On?

A history lesson for today.

LABOR'S DAY -- AND YOURS By Dick Meister

Submitted to portside

Sunday August 26, 2007

Labor Day. Time once more for politicians and union adherents to speak of the greatness of organized labor.
Time once more for the rest of us to ignore the speechmakers, as we mark the end of summer with yet another three-day weekend. The general public indifference is understandable. After all, only 12 percent of the country's working people are in unions these days.

But even if you are not a union member -- even if you do not approve of unions -- consider this while you're enjoying the long Labor Day holiday: There wouldn't be any three-day weekends if it wasn't for those unions.


If unions hadn't done what they did -- and continue to do -- it's highly unlikely that anyone outside the executive ranks would be getting a paid holiday on Labor Day, or on any other day. (Or even, of course, that there would be such a holiday as Labor Day.)

Nor is it likely that those who are required to work on such holidays would be getting the pay of two to three times their regular rate that unions have made the standard for holiday work in most areas -- or get premium pay for any other work, at any other time.

Holidays meant very little to most working people in the days before unions became effective. They meant only an unwelcome day off and loss of a day's pay or, at best, a day of work at regular wages.

Those were the days when unions still were struggling primarily for nothing more than legal recognition. It wasn't until World War II that unions were able to go beyond the fundamentals and make negotiation of paid holidays a common practice, a concession employers made in lieu of the pay raises federal wage controls prohibited during the war.

The paid vacations so many working people took as usual this summer also were very rare until unions demanded and won them. So were employer-financed pensions and medical care and other fringe benefits, health and safety standards, job security and other things now commonly granted most workers, union and non-union alike.

Thus without unions, we should not forget, there would be no paid holidays for most people, no premium or overtime pay, no paid vacations, few fringe benefits and little protection against job-related hazards and arbitrary dismissal.

Without unions, as a matter of fact, the standard work day might very well still be 10 to 12 hours, the standard work week six to seven days, and working people would have few of the rights so many now take for granted. That includes the overriding right of having a genuine voice in determining their pay and working conditions.

You doubt it? Consider the recollections of Mark Hawkins, who worked in the warehouses along San Francisco's busy waterfront in the 1930s, before the coming of effective unionization.

Hawkins remembered men wrestling with crates, bundles, cartons, merchandise in all sizes, shapes and weights, 10 hours a day, often every day of the week, for a mere $60 a month. They worked as many hours on as many days as the boss demanded, at whatever pay he offered, lest they be replaced by others clamoring for jobs in those dark days of the Great Depression.

Hawkins especially remembered a fellow worker who failed to raise his hand one Saturday when the boss made his usual Saturday afternoon request for "volunteers" to work Sunday. The reluctant warehouseman pleaded that his wife, undergoing a complicated pregnancy, was seriously ill and would need him at home to comfort her.

"Okay," said the boss -- "but don't you think she'll feel even worse if you have to tell her you don't have a job anymore?"

The man worked that Sunday. When he got home, his wife was dead.

Very few of today's employers would even consider acting in such a manner. It would be virtually unthinkable, given the firm standing gained for all workers by the country's now solidly entrenched unions. That alone is more than enough reason to honor organized labor on the holiday it won for us all.


By some reckoning, this is the 113th Labor Day, since it was first observed as a national holiday in 1894. But the observance actually began a quarter-century earlier in San Francisco.

It was on Feb. 21, 1868. Brass bands blared, flags, banners and torchlights waved high as more than 3,000 union members marched proudly through the city's downtown streets, led by shipyard workers and carpenters and men from dozens of other construction trades.

"A jollification," the marchers called their parade -- the climax of a three-year campaign of strikes and other pressures that had culminated in the establishment of the eight-hour workday as a legal right in California.

New York unionists staged a similar parade in 1882 that is often erroneously cited as the first Labor Day parade, even though it occurred 14 years after the march in San Francisco.

Honors for holding the first official Labor Day are usually granted the state of Oregon, which proclaimed a Labor Day holiday in 1887 -- seven years before the Federal Government got around to proclaiming the holiday which is now observed nationwide.

But Oregon's move came nearly a year after Gov. George Stoneman of California issued a proclamation setting aside May 11, 1886 as a legal holiday to honor a new organization of California unions -- the year-old Iron Trades Council. That, said renowned labor historian Ira B. Cross of the University of California, was "the first legalized Labor Day in the United States."

San Francisco also played a major role in that celebration of 1886. The city was the scene of the chief event -- a march down Market Street by more than lO,OOO men and women from some 40 unions, led by the uniformed rank-and-file of the Coast Seamen's Union. Gov. Stoneman and his entire staff marched right along with them.

The procession was seven miles long, took more than two hours to pass any given point and generated enthusiasm that the San Francisco Examiner said was "entirely unprecedented -- even in political campaigns."

-- Dick Meister

Copyright (c) 2007 Dick Meister, a San Francisco-based

journalist who has covered labor issues for five

decades. Contact him through his website,

(Special Thanks to Dad)

Of course, I still have to work today.

Your Solidarity Forever leader.

Friday, August 31, 2007

I Guess I Was Wrong

Apparently, along with being crepuscular, chinchillas are also gender benders. At least mine is. A trip to the vet revealed that Claudette is not a female. So Claudette is now Leon, and we shall hopefully never speak of this again.

There is a show called "Masters of Science Fiction" running on ABC. Each episode is an hour long and based on a story from a great sci-fi writer. I caught "Jerry Was A Man," based on a Robert Heinlein story. The story was a predictable "Can a robot be human?" story, but it had a particularly funny scene. While swearing in the robot, the baliff does the normal truth, whole truth, etc. bit, and adds, "so help you God, Goddess, Buddha, Allah, Great Spirit, Higher Power, Gaia, and the Great Turtle That Holds Up The Universe?" It was the and that I found really amusing.

Checking some other links shows that this show is already done with its 4 episode run. So don't do looking for it on ABC. Maybe the Sci-Fi Channel will re-run them sometime, since I missed the first two.

While working at the State Fair, I was able to catch much of Weird Al's concert. What a great show he puts on. It's funny, and despite numerous costume changes, there isn't any down time, thanks to humorous video clips played between songs. His band is incredibly talented and versatile, which helps when Al's songs go from pop to grunge to rap-rock to gangsta rap. Those guys can play anything.

I was most surprised to see that the show was nearly sold out. The guy has been making goofy parodies forever, and still manages to pack the house. It's great to see a new generation of kids who probably "discovered" Weird Al recently see the master live and in person.

I'm guessing the Affiliate doesn't love me this much.
Which is a good thing.

Your Great Sleeping Weather Tonight leader.

Friday, August 24, 2007

He's Back, And He's Got A New Trick

We have a new family member. Her name is Claudette.

The Affiliate says she's a chinchilla, but I insist that it's a miniature giant space hamster. She's not too fond of us yet, but I think she'll grow to love us as much as The Hillock does.

Here's a video involving my hero and yours, Magical Trevor, dealing with chinchillas.

Of course, as I have mentioned before, chinchillas are actually crepuscular, not nocturnal as is said in the video.

Since I brought him up, get to know the full story of Magical Trevor at Weebls Stuff.

Another Snakes on a Plane moment.

More problems with religion.

I'm working at the Minnesota State Fair for much of the next week, so if you're down there in the evening, seek me out. I'll be the stunningly handsome guy in the light blue police uniform. Also, get yourself a Scotch Egg on a stick. I won't say you won't regret it, but man are they good.

Have a lovely weekend.

Your Parallel Dimension leader.

Friday, August 17, 2007


Today, I had to wake up to this:

D&D 4th Edition Coming.

I see a large amount of money leaking from my bank account...

Your It's Only Been 5 Years leader.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Something

It's summer. The birds are singing, the bees are trying to have sex with them (as is my understanding). So maybe I can be forgiven for being caught unawares by this letter, which was delivered to me in the dark of night by a cloaked rider astride a fire breathing horse. (h/t to Jeff)

Talk about a sneak attack. Will the right be prepared for us? No chance. An early strike is just the thing we need to make the putative 90% of Americans who are Xtians question their deeply held beliefs. Jesus blowing a Unicorn? Brilliant! Even the strongest faith will be shattered by that. If not, then saying Happy Holidays will certainly finish them off.

Of course, my War on Xmas decorations are still in the basement gathering cobwebs. Santa Cthulhu Itself lies dreaming in R'yleh (under my stairs). It is August, after all.

Considering that I am not on the receiving end of any of that Soros money (or cupcakes), I'm going to let the paid sock-puppets start the early work. I'm more of a guerrilla fighter in this war. Although I do go by the title "generalissimo." Look for me come November, after I've finished my Satan worshiping at Samhain.

Fine. My opening salvo. To Bill O'Reilly, I wish Happy Holidays and prospero año. (see, it's Happy Holidays, which Bill hates, and then Spanish, which Bill also hates).

Your Unpaid leader.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Baby Don't You Sign That Paper Tonight

I've been threatened with whiskey, which is a very strange threat. Except today, because I'm already feeling nauseous.

Another "Get Rich Quick" scheme is foiled. Still, eating glass may be more pleasant than playing the stock market right now.

I'm thinking that this group may deserve further study. I don't know why vampires are listed before zombies and werewolves though. Vamps are just one of those fake threats used to distract us from the real danger.

I got out to the Myth Nightclub to see Reel Big Fish last night. It was like a trip back to high school. I haven't been in a group of suburban teenage malcontents for quite some time, and it was fun. I don't know how a band that hasn't had any major airplay in 12 years still has fans, many of whom were 4 years old when "Sell Out" was a hit, but the new stuff they played was pretty good, so the kids must be hearing it somewhere. (As a side note, openers Streetlight Manifesto seriously rock.) Keep on skankin', kids.

Good joke.

An obvious answer to a stupid question. These stand-up comedy questions have started seeping into common culture, generally radio commercials. The problem is, many of them have legitimate answers. "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?" for example. The answers aren't hard to figure out, but somehow they seem like clever questions. Mostly because many of us are too lazy to think about them for more than 3 seconds.

That should keep the whiskey away for a little while.

Your D-List leader.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Be Leavin' All Your Money On the Table When You Go

("Bugger Off" - Unk.)

I now know where Evil Bobby got his name. Seriously, buying me whiskey shots when you have a sober driver is a bastard move. I made it home OK, though.

Apparently, Mark thinks I'm the foremost Minnesota expert on zombies. I'll oblige his need for zombie information, if that makes him happy.

President Bush on the looming zombie threat:

I'm guessing he's talking about this kid:

Turtles is, of course, a zombie slang word for BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNS!!!!!!!

I'm going to take this moment to thank Attack of the Show. I've said it before, and I'll say it now - I sleep better knowing there is a program called "Attack of the Show" on TV. Morgan Webb still wins my nerd dude's dream contest, though.

For The Affiliate, when she wants to get more cats:

And a link for swiftee, who seems to have an obsession with gays

Sorry for the video heavy post.

Your Too Drunk To Fuck leader.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Scrolling Upscreen

In case you missed it. I drove this bridge every day until about 2 months ago.

Read this for some perspective. Tell the President and Sen. Klobuchar and Nick Coleman and Swiftee and everyone else to read it too. Don't start laying blame yet. If someone said something stupid yesterday and today, wait a few days to take them to task. Their post/comment/statement will still be around on Saturday. Piling on blame and counter-blame right now does no one any good. The time you spend griping could be spent giving blood.

I have police stuff to do at the bridge tonight, so no Drinking Liberally for me.

Your Give It a Rest leader.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Way to Go, My Friend

This guy is seriously funny. And he's correct too, especially about James Blunt.

Consensus - People have sex because it feels good. Quote: "(Responses) ranged from "It's fun" which men ranked fourth and women ranked eighth to "I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease" which ranked on the bottom by women. By women. Not men. What was last for men? I'm guessing "To make a woman happy." Other high ranking responses from men were "Revenge," "Just finished watching Women's Volleyball on ESPN," and "I had an extra $50 just lying around." The Number 1 reason women have sex was "I was asleep."

Another reason to be annoyed by The Church.

And finally, The Simpsons dominate the box office. Yes!

Your Revenge was My Answer leader.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Baby, It's Hot Outside

This is a real mystery. My calculations put the weight of 1,000 gallons of water at 8,340 pounds. That's over 4 tons. That's a lot of water to disappear without a trace. I have 2 theories. The first is aliens. The second is a herd of flying elephants.

Now, an elephant can consume 300-600 lbs of food per day, so assuming 500 lbs of water, it would take 17 flying elephants to consume that much water, and that's assuming they could do it in 4 hours. That many elephants would make too much noise not to be noticed. Also, elephants can't fly.

Aliens presumably can fly, but would they really need exactly 1,000 gallons of chlorinated water? It seems that there are better places to get water, especially considering that some suburban New Jersey family may not have chlorinated the pool.

Neither of my hypotheses address the pool itself being missing. But neither actually works as a theory either, so I didn't bother looking into that aspect of the mystery.

Apparently there will be more on this story in the coming days. Perhaps answers are forthcoming. Or maybe the cover-up will begin.

This is a link for Spotty, but if you're a language nerd, you might enjoy it as well. And Spotty, I was wrong. It is rhinoceros that doesn't pluralize as rhinoceri, not hippopotamus. (Of course the plural of hippopotamus isn't "rhinoceri," but it can be hippopotami, which I said was incorrect Latin while speaking with Spotty earlier this evening. Really, it's a big mess to write, but can be explained in spoken word quite simply. Let's all pretend I didn't say anything at all.)

"Relatives of the woman who left her baby in a van on a hot day say she is new to the country and didn't know the law." So it's OK to leave a baby in a car in 90 degree heat if it's not against the law? "She didn't know it was that hot." I'm guessing she wears a refrigerated suit at all times, because it was fucking hot out on Wednesday.

DON'T LEAVE YOUR BABY IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad the baby didn't die, especially because the mother might get charged for her stupidity/laziness/cruelty. Unfortunately, when parents kill their baby in this manner they are considered to have "suffered enough" from the loss of their child, and never go to jail for it.

As a side note, if you see a baby sitting in a car in hot weather, call the police, but don't wait for them to arrive to break the window. Mere minutes could save a baby's life, so the sooner the heat is alleviated, the better.

Wow. I need to get away from getting outraged about kids being treated poorly at the end of posts that are started with more humorous content.

Your Mysterious Water Loss leader.