Saturday, November 25, 2006

She Dropped Her Shoes When She Fell Down

UCLA Cops Gone Wild!

It just so happens that the day after Spotty sent me this video, I got tasered. (On a side note, Spotty, could you send me video of a guy getting ... oh, never mind). Getting tasered sucks. A lot. It doesn't hurt, though. It's like a full-body muscle spasm for 5 seconds. As soon as it's done. it's done. No residual effects outside of the continuing adrenaline rush. I'd "ride the buffalo" 100 times before choosing to get maced again.

Having said all of this, the cops up there were just wrong. For one, you can't stand up while being tasered. Telling someone to do so is just stupid. Tasers are to be used to incapacitate someone so the officers can take control, not to get someone to do something. Once the person is in custody, the taser is no longer neccessary. Luckily, tasers have the ability to record their use, so the officers got some 'splainin' to do.

This was misuse of a tool by officers. This should not be a demonization of the Taser. Tasers save lives by giving officers another option of force. Officers routinely use Tasers in deadly force situations. Often, a person tasered is a person not shot.

So again, getting tasered sucks. But it's a lot better than being shot. These cops did wrong, and should be held accountable.

Your Electricity leader.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Werewolves of Wisconsin

I saw a werewolf with a Leinenkugel's in his hand
Walking through the streets of Milwaukee in the rain
The best part is, the guy is pissed people are calling the creature "bigfoot," because it had canine features, and we all know that Bigfoot is more primate looking. Ahhh-ooooo!

It's no wonder people think the American court system is messed up. This guy had sex with a deer carcass. Now his lawer is arguing that he can't be charged with bestiality because an animal is defined as a living thing. Which is absolutely true. The charges against Mr. Hathaway should be dropped. Then the statute should be rewritten so I don't have to worry about people having sex with roast turkey with impunity. It's sad, you know. I'd never worried about that before.

Notice that both of the above stories involve Wisconsin and deer carcasses. I have nothing to add, just take notice.

Your Don't Wanna Think About It leader.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Why'd You Call Me? Must Be Bad

Quick poll. Your choices are the a-cappella groups that take popular songs and re-make them in a-capella form, and the two-man singer/songwriter guitar playing Simon & Garfunkle wussie wannabees. (This does not apply to the actual Simon & Garfunkle, whose music I respect and admire.) The question is, which is more pretentious and annoying?

So everyone is excited about the Democrats taking control of the House and the Senate. Unfortunately, the Dems don't control the Senate. The Connecticut for Lieberman Party does. Let's hope that the Left Wing can keep him happy. Which seems to defeat the purpose, but that's politics.

I also want to take a moment to report that trust and human kindness still exist in McGregor, MN. I went to the gas station, and had filled up my car when I realized I didn't have my wallet. The clerk inside let me drive home and get it, and even refused to accept my rifle as collateral. The world isn't doomed.

For now.

Your Kindness of Strangers leader.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

And Now ... Endorsements!

I forgot to mention the dark side of hunting. I got very little sleep, and was forced to pee in an ice cream bucket like a common hobo. Also, I'd like to point out that the picture in the previous post is a stock photo and isn't actually me. After all, everyone knows that the real DiscordianStooge wears glasses.

On an unrelated note, I'm really enjoying the contact lenses I just got on Tuesday.

On to the endorsements, courtesy of the Discordian Church, Minnesota Stooge Synod.

Governor: Dr. Eldritch. In these trying times of ours, we need a strong leader with real answers. Especially to fake questions. Dr. Eldritch has the wisdom to lead, and the intelligence to solve the pressing problems of our time. Illegal immigration has gotten a lot of headlines, but only Dr. Eldritch has the know-how to deal with illegal extra-dimensional immigration, which, considering the growing wormhole near Mora, is a real concern. And as Lt. Governor, Trevor the Troll has promised to be tough on Level 3 sex offenders by devouring them whole. He also has a comprehensive E-85 plan.

Attorney General: Jack McCoy. "Hang-Em High" McCoy is the obvious choice to represent Minnesotans in court. As a New York City ADA, he has sent countless murderers to prison. Now is the time for us to put his skills to use fighting corporate greed or whatever it is the AG does.

Secretary of State: Pam Beesly. She can handle Michael Scott as a secretary at Dunder-Mifflin. That's enough for me.

State Auditor: Not the guy who wrote it, but the actual web site should be auditor. Because who really cares?

U.S. Senate: Amy Klobuchar. Even if she does actually exist, I think she'd make a good senator and she didn't run a bunch of attack ads. Plus, Mark Kennedy really creeps me out.

That's it from here. I'm not weighing in on the House of Reps races because I'm tired and the joke was already too thin to begin with.

Vote on Tuesday. If you don't, Nahina will come for you, so keep plenty of kitties and pumpkins available.

Your Never Vote For A Winner leader.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Drop It Like It's Hot

The Minnesota Deer Hunting (Rifle) season started at 6:25 AM today. At 6:27AM I shot my first deer ever. At least I'm claiming it was a deer. It's about the size of my cat. In my defense, my cat is really fat. Anyway, I am just happy I was able to hit the thing. If you're an animal activist of some kind, it's not a real deer. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Your The Deer Hunter leader.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Listen At Your Own Amusement

T.D. Mischke is one of the great radio entertainers of any generation. He also doesn't belong on the air during daylight hours. Putting him against the Comman Man leaves me conflicted, since their styles are so similar.

I hope Mischke finds a way to make it work. (Thanks for the tip from Mitch)

Your Nightime is the Right Time leader.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Waiting is the Hardest Part.

Ok. Here's the deal. I know I said I would have my endorsements tonight. Unfortunately, I had to run 6.2 miles today, and then go Drink liberally. I also have to clean my gun. SO I'll endorse sometime between trying to shoot Bambi this weekend. However, I have decided to reprint my endorsement from the 2004 presidential election, just to keep your mouths watering.

(Originally posted 10/21/2004)

Well, it's that time of year. Political spots have been wittled down to, "You're a poopy head." "Yeah, well you're a doody-pooty head!"

As a Discordian Stooge, I have decided on endorsing a candidate. George W. Bush has been putting in a lot of hard work, and John Kerry has a plan, but there is a candidate who is literally heads above the rest. And that candidate is Demogorgon.

Demogorgon will be strong on terrorism. Considering that at his "dread name the trembling Furies quake," and that he controls the armies of the netherworld, can it be long before the War on Terror (TM) is won? Also, rebuilding Iraq should be simple for a progenitor God whose power created all of the gods themselves. Other nations will bow before his might, making America popular in the world once again.

Also, being all-powerful, Demogorgon is not beholden to any special interests. Some might say that most special interests are, in fact, beholden to him. His health care plan involves drastically reducing costs by culling the sick and infirm, casting them into the depths of the Abyss, but of course sacrifices must be made by all of us.

Of course, one must look at the whole ticket. It has been said that Demogorgon chose Yog-Sothoth as his running mate mostly to shore up the Elder God vote, but this overlooks Yog-Sothoth's ability to literally build a gate to the future. And the the past as well. In fact, he is the gate. Sure, Dick Cheney may seem more presidential, but whom would you rather have in power if the President were to die? A man with a failing heart, an inexperienced Senator, or the "All-in-One and One-in-All of limitless being and self"?

Sure, the Demogorgon/Yog-Sothoth ticket is only on the ballot in 17 states. This should not stop us from voting for the best candidates. These beings have a vision for the future. Or visions of the future. Either way, they are the best hope for America.

You Decide.

I approbate this missve,

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

You Miss a Beat, You Lose the Rythm

OK. I'm finally recovered from the Vikings-Patriots game. The Affiliate managed to conceal her glee that Tom Brady is her Fantasy football QB. She's still in last place. Serves her right.

Also, the Affiliate is on a 3-day hiatus from work, before starting her new job next week. She'll now be waking up at the same time as I. Oh, joy!

This should have been her Halloween costume. Scream in terror. It's Darth Amortize!!!!!!!

Striking fear into the hearts of children. Especially those dark and evil Buddhists. Just because their fairytale is different than yours doesn't mean you can't play nice. Quote: "I welcome the pressures because then we can put God's agenda on the forefront and actually have a dialogue about it," Comer said. Yes, condemning anyone who doesn't believe as you do is a great dialogue. I hereby state that anyone who believes that there is a God will end up in Candy-Unicorn-Puppydog land, no matter how many millions they steal, people they kill, or puppies they kick. (The puppy kickers are strongly urged not to enter the puppydog section of Candy-Unicorn-Puppydog Land) Non-believers will still be sent to nothing, which will continue to not bother them in the least.

But even scarier to kids, some men love other men! Look, if kids are smart enough to figure out step-siblings and 4 sets of grandparents, they can figure out Aunt Claire and Aunt Melanie living together. It's really not a big deal.

Tomorrow, the DiscordianStooge endorsements.

Your Darth Hello kitty leader.