Somebody Save Me

I've woken up in what can only be described as "moderate-to-strong pain" the last two days, which means I haven't gotten to the club to work out, which means I am feeling lazy this week. Apparently I'm not sleeping very soundly, and I have no idea why.

Pain won't stop me from getting out to DL tonight. Rumor has it that PZ Myers, the guy who introduced me to lefty blogs, may be dragging his tentacled self out to the 331 Club tonight. I can't resist the siren's call....

Have you ever planned a wedding? Here's an exchange between The Affiliate and I from today:

A: Ok, do you want to walk your mom down the aisle before my brother walks my mom down, or do you want Brian to walk your mom down the aisle before my brother walks my mom and you will just walk around the side and get on the alter without walking down the aisle?

Big decisions!

Me:I'll walk my mom down. Although, I'm pretty sure she can walk by herself, being a grown woman and all. She's a tough cookie, you know. ;) Do I get to walk to the same song as everyone else? Or does that start after I'm already at the altar, checking my watch?

My wedding party march is "Scotland the Brave" from a great bagpipe music CD I have, by the way. It also happened to be my high school fight song, which is awesome.

This won't be served at the wedding: "Texan Faces charges Over Snake Vodka." Apparently he put baby rattlers in vodka and sold it without a liquor license. The man is also the "state's largest exporter of live turtles to Asia." That is something I would like to someday be. Although I'm not sure if he exports the most turtles to Asia, or if he simply has more volume than other exporters. Also, the fact that there are multiple live turtle exporters in Texas interests me.

We'll see how pissed The Affiliate is about this post. At least I didn't correct her spelling of "altar" publicly.

Oops.

Your Soon To Not Be Engaged leader.

March 1st ... No, Wait ... What Year Is It Again?

It's Leap Day. A very special day. The day we try and reconcile our calendar. Here's how we do it. Not the bibleists understand that.



OK, here's the thing. That's a video of a monkey riding a goat on a tightrope. Seriously. Also, the monkey does a handstand on the goat while it's on the tightrope. Simply awesome.

Everyone's favorite radio bloviator Michael Medved was going after Bill Cunningham for using Barack Obabma's middle name in a speech, calling it a cheap political smear. Which is funny, because I learned Obama's middle name in December of 2006 from ... wait for it ... Michael Medved, who called telling me Obama's middle name a "shocking revelation." I'm glad he has learned to take the high road, especially without pointing out his own trip down the low.

It looks like Mark has blogged himself out. I suppose that could be a good thing. We now all have enough time to go back and read all of those links he's been posting. You'd think that avoiding Drinking Liberally would give someone more time to write, but apparently not.

Speaking of DL, it was a small crowd last night. The inch or so of snow may have had something to do with it. Rumor is that Spotty was afraid to drive in from Cakeville. I can't blame him. He's a dog, and they aren't ever supposed to drive, let alone in slippery snow and ice. Christy (no link by her request) made it, however, and hopefully will continue to attend whether I'm there or not.

And a final blog question: What is with the changing site designs popping up around the ol' 'sphere? Kool-Aid Report went white background and sterile type. Then Jeremy at Afterglide did whatever the hell happened to that place, with more than half of the page taken up by whatever that shit on the right side is. Can we all agree that the majority of the page should be taken up by post content? No, I suppose not. However, I must point out that both Afterglide and KAR are poop-heavy content sites. Maybe that has something to do with the shitty layout. (See what I did there? Yeah, you do.)

Your 366 Days A Year leader.

I Am The Cybernetic Ghost Of Christmas Past, From The Future

The Vikings are still in control of their playoff destiny. Why does that send a chill down my spine?

OK, note to the Pioneer Press: Your website sucks. Your links don't work. Your category listings' links all just lead to the front page. I'd really rather link to you, but I can't, because I can't find the stories I want. The Internet is important to your readers under the age of 40. Also, "Twin Cities.com" needs to go. You're the Pioneer Press. Let's not shy away from the name.

Last night, I was wondering why that dog was at the 331 Club with a video camera strapped to his collar. Now I know why:


(via Spotty)

Please know that the guy in the Santa hat was quite drunk when trying to sing an X-mas carol from the far future.

Mitt "My Dad Marched With MLK (OK, Not Really, But Wouldn't It Be Great If He Had?)" Romney tries to backpedal.

"If you look at the literature, if you look at the dictionary, the term 'saw' includes being aware of in the sense I've described," Romney told reporters in Iowa. "It's a figure of speech and very familiar, and it's very common. And I saw my dad march with Martin Luther King. I did not see it with my own eyes, but I saw him in the sense of being aware of his participation in that great effort."

What the hell does that even mean? You know, I "saw" all four of the Vikings Super Bowl losses. And by that I mean that I am aware that they lost four Super Bowls. See how that works? What a schmuck.

Ah, is there anything better than the excitement and trepidation of Cephalopodmas Eve? The Hillock says, "No."



(Yes, it's a picture from last year. It's the idea that counts, right, Mitt?)

Everything you know is wrong.

Your "Thousands Of Years Ago" leader.

Cars & Girls & Drinks & Song (& Bacon)

I shall now commence to freak out Mark by posting yet again this week.

I am a big supporter of mass transit, but it's not always the best choice for transportation.

Seven year-old girls should not have to take a bullet for their mothers. This girl could be a great leader someday. Does anyone doubt that prison is too good for the fuckwad that shot her?

Drinking Liberally gives back next week. Bring an unwrapped toy for a tot to the 331 Club in Nor'east on Thursday night. We'll be giving them all to the Marines in time for X-mas. Then stay for a drink or 3. Spotty will be there with his doggy video camera.

As you shop for X-mas gifts, you may be wondering, "Where does that really bad X-mas music come from?" Here's your answer.

And finally, a possible running mate for Bacon.

Either that, or a horribly embarrassing photo that could end Bacon's political career.

Your Take the A-Train leader.

Glückwünsche!

Baby DL has escaped been delivered lured out with promises of candy and whiskey. I'll just link to the pictures, because babies kind of creep me out.

Congratulations, Robin and Steve. If you need a babysitter, I'm sure a bunch of your relatives would be more than happy to help out. (You were expecting me to offer help? See above statement about babies. When she turns 18, have her give me a call, though ;))

Since I don't have cute human baby pictures, here's a different cute baby picture.



(It's a baby tapir)

Your Wahh, Wahh leader.

It's Not My Time to Wonder Why

Are we sure this isn't Vox Day? No, it's Henry Makow, PhD. writing about how feminism is a gay plot. it's nothing we haven't heard before. My favorite line:

Men -- steer clear of any sexual relationship where you are not in charge.

This guy is advocating mass abstinance. Women are always in charge, unless you count rape. The sad thing is, I'm thinking this guy would. He also says Gloria Steinam was a CIA operative.

Checking out the site involved, SavetheMales, it's an anti-woman/ international conspiricy site. An odd combo, I know. They also seem to think that George Bush is a Satanist. OK, enough about these guys.

Now, since I don't know Michael Brodkorb's e-mail address or secret Republican phone number, I am breaking my own shocking story.

POWERLIBERALS ALCHOHOLIC SATANIST MUSLIMS

Robin Marty of Powerliberal and George Soros finger-puppet, admitted at a Drinking Liberally event that she often just drinks a whole bottle of wine without even realizing it. She also was overheard to say, "I'm pretty sure Al (Hussein X Franken) is my guy." The Wege was heard throughout the night to say, "I'm" ... "not feeling" ... "comfortable" ... "with her leadership." "Goatse."

Chilling news. Why isn't the liberal media covering this? Brodkorb, if you read this, I'm your inside guy.

Your Undercover leader.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

OK. So, my last post was about tasering. Since then, I have been clocked while engaging in the Sweet Science. I also was tear-gassed. I love my job.

Of all I've been through in the Academy, if I were forced to pick one to do again, it would be the taser by a long shot. I'd take that over some of the PT we had to do, for that matter. The tear-gas wasn't terrible, but it really sucks for about 2 minutes, until you can get some fresh air and catch your breath. Mind you, we were in an enclosed trailer and had to take off our masks. I imagine it's a little more bearable in an open area. Still not my idea of a fun Saturday night, though.

I graduate in 8 days, and I couldn't be happier.

Actually, I could be happier, had I never seen this:




Yes - That is indeed 2 Caribou Coffee stores right next to each other. It's up in C**n Rapids (P.C. Police Note: We don't like the name of that city. You have been edited and warned!!!) To be fair, there was an old store there, and it's expanding. This is how I picture Seattle, except with Starbucks instead.

Unfortunately, I may not make it back to Drinking Liberally for a while, so if any of you read this, I've not abandoned you. I'm just stuck working Thursday nights for a while. I'll get back as soon as possible.

Your *Cough* Cough* *Hack* leader.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part.

Ok. Here's the deal. I know I said I would have my endorsements tonight. Unfortunately, I had to run 6.2 miles today, and then go Drink liberally. I also have to clean my gun. SO I'll endorse sometime between trying to shoot Bambi this weekend. However, I have decided to reprint my endorsement from the 2004 presidential election, just to keep your mouths watering.

(Originally posted 10/21/2004)

Well, it's that time of year. Political spots have been wittled down to, "You're a poopy head." "Yeah, well you're a doody-pooty head!"

As a Discordian Stooge, I have decided on endorsing a candidate. George W. Bush has been putting in a lot of hard work, and John Kerry has a plan, but there is a candidate who is literally heads above the rest. And that candidate is Demogorgon.

Demogorgon will be strong on terrorism. Considering that at his "dread name the trembling Furies quake," and that he controls the armies of the netherworld, can it be long before the War on Terror (TM) is won? Also, rebuilding Iraq should be simple for a progenitor God whose power created all of the gods themselves. Other nations will bow before his might, making America popular in the world once again.

Also, being all-powerful, Demogorgon is not beholden to any special interests. Some might say that most special interests are, in fact, beholden to him. His health care plan involves drastically reducing costs by culling the sick and infirm, casting them into the depths of the Abyss, but of course sacrifices must be made by all of us.

Of course, one must look at the whole ticket. It has been said that Demogorgon chose Yog-Sothoth as his running mate mostly to shore up the Elder God vote, but this overlooks Yog-Sothoth's ability to literally build a gate to the future. And the the past as well. In fact, he is the gate. Sure, Dick Cheney may seem more presidential, but whom would you rather have in power if the President were to die? A man with a failing heart, an inexperienced Senator, or the "All-in-One and One-in-All of limitless being and self"?

Sure, the Demogorgon/Yog-Sothoth ticket is only on the ballot in 17 states. This should not stop us from voting for the best candidates. These beings have a vision for the future. Or visions of the future. Either way, they are the best hope for America.

You Decide.

I approbate this missve,
DS

Friday Fake Product Blog

For anyone who likes to drink liberally.

If You Should Smile When You Hear My Name

OK. The Twins are done. That's OK. Really. I'm not at all depressed by their completely worthless play in the playoffs. Really. At least I've got Gopher foot... um the Vik... um, Gopher hock... damn it!!

I went out drinking with some of my new co-workers last night. I stuck around most of the night to see if anyone would be picking up a hottie for the night. Alas, they all failed. This was new for me, as I'm not the picking up women at bars type, nor are my friends. I used to pick up women at weddings.

The Affiliate has reminded me that the Wild have a chance not to suck this year. Go Hockey!

David Strom (Motto: "I must laugh as loud as possible at everything I say! HA HA HAW!") is back on The Patriot after a brief stint at another local station. Apparently it was cheaper for the Tax Evader's League to pay for a show on AM1280 than a Clear Channel station. Let's hope that 1280 is getting more cash than they were before Strom left to air his virtually unlistenable show. Could this be a ploy to make the Right-Wing Blogger Circle-jerk show sound even more professional?

Your Minnesota Sports leader.

I Love to Run

Not really, but I have to pretend for the next 3 months or so.

By the way, I got a new job. That's all I really care to say.

I also found out that my old D.A.R.E. Officer is running for Washington County Sheriff. If you live in the far East Metro, check out William Hutton. I worked with him for a short time at the Oakdale P.D., and he is a good man and a great peace officer. He'd make a great sheriff.

That's my only endorsement until after the primary. Be sure to vote on the 12th!

I'll be posting light for a while. I should still be making Drinking Liberally, so if you go there, you can talk to me. For whatever that's worth.

Your Running Man leader.