Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry X-Mas!

The X-Mas Story. Sort of.

May Santa Cthulhu eat you first.

Your Happy Merry leader.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Spinoff Has Arrived

K.G. was born today at 0321 hrs. I'd post a picture, but there are people out there with no shame or sense of human decency who like to act in uncouth ways, even when children are involved.

So you're getting a baby tapir instead.

Anyway, we're very happy and healthy. Thanks.

Your Happy Dad leader.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Tell Her No

Who knew that a Zombie Pub Crawl could become too commercial. Well, it did. Selling tickets to a Zombie Pub Crawl? Are we going to charge kids to go trick-or-treating this year too? Anyway, if you're not sure if you are a zombie, and wondering if you should go, there's a quick test here to tell you if you're a zombie.

Of course, no amount of organizing will stop the zombies in the end, and somehow they got me chained to the Precinct desk yet another year for the Crawl, so I won't be there to stop them. In case you didn't know, here are some tips to help you fight the zombies. Good luck!

Monday, September 06, 2010

Happy * Day!

Happy * Day! Hopefully you don't have to work like I do.

(*Due to the Affiliate's condition, I'm not allowed to use the "L" word.)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Do You Know How Lucky You Are?

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... We got him! (Again)

It's been a while since there's been zombie news, but this investigative story should have us all sighing in relief.

Unfortunately, that list doesn't take into account people in their 20's apparently being completely worthless. This seems inevitable. Adulthood has been moving later as our lifespans get longer. You couldn't wait for 25 to be an adult when your average lifespan was 28. I'm not saying this is a good thing, of course. This is partly parents allowing their kids to stay with them longer than maybe they should. Not to mention that there are a lot of people and not many jobs. I think it's high time we start moving folks to the moon.

Speaking of the moon, I'm curious if any muslims out there can tell me how one would determine when Ramadan starts if one was living on the moon, since determining the start relies on seeing the moon.

Apparently having a nationwide radio show is bad for free speech. Laura Schlessinger is upset people called her a racist for saying racist things, so she's quitting. She wants her "1st Amendment" rights back. Come January, Dr. Laura will be free to say whatever she wants. Hopefully, no media carries what she says. We wouldn't want her rights violated.

Your Say It Loud leader.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Heat Was Hot and The Ground Was Dry

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! No word on whether Brett "Baby Cheesus" Favre will be playing this year. More on this developing story as it develops.

Someone who will be playing is Hussein Abdullah, who has a plan for Ramadan, since he is fasting during the day, which means he can't eat or drink, even water, during the day, even when practicing. When Bud Grant was coach, this was SOP for all players. Of course, back then, the players weren't downing massive amounts of diuretics to mask all of the steroids they weren't taking, so it wasn't as big of a deal.

The real question is whether Abdullah will be allowed to play against the Jets. After all, the New Meadowlands is only about 12 miles from lower Mahattan. Will New York conservatives allow a devout muslim to get that close to Ground Zero?

Your Waiting For The Season To Start leader.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

These Are The Ways The World Will End

In case you aren't a Facebook friend, and you care, we're having a boy.

And apparently Mark Dayton won the MN DFL primary. Which proves once again that the DFL endorsement process doesn't really find the person most DFLers will vote for. Of course, winning the primary hasn't led to too many victories lately either, so Dayton's got his work cut out for him.

Of course, Tom Emmer probably thinks Relativity is a liberal plot, so he's got that going for him.

So, I ordered the CD "Trebuchet" by George Hrab. Hrab was pretty smart. He put the CD up on his "Geologic Podcast" for free, without track breaks. There's not much chance I would have bought the disc, but after hearing it on the podcast, I decided to buy it.

Anyway, I thought I'd share what is the greatest e-mail I've ever received from a commercial website.

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.
A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.
Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.
We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, August 10, 2010.
We hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. In commemoration, we have placed your picture on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
We miss you already. We'll be right here at, patiently awaiting your return.


Anyway, check out the "Geologic Podcast." (It's not really about geology at all) Also check out "Trebuchet," which has some really good tunes on it.

I'll also take a moment to recomend the "Read It and Weep" podcast. It's a podcast about 3 guys who partake in the worst books, movies and TV and then rip the hell out of it. They made their bones on the "Twilight" series, but they do a good job on pretty much everything. It's really funny, even if you haven't read what they are critiquing.

On a side note, I started listen listening to "Read It and Weep" a few months ago. About 1 month ago, they started following me on Twitter, which was odd because I wasn't following them, nor had I contacted them in any way. Strange, this internet of ours.

Your Getting the House Ready leader.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Suaimhneas Síoraí

I've dealt with a lot of crime victims. I've spoken with family members and friends of people who have been murdered. I've never been one of those people before. Unfortunately, things change.

Growing up, my family spent a week at Gull Lake near Brainard every summer. We usually spent that week with The Malickis. Kristy was my brother's age. Her brother Barry is my age. Denny and Mary were close friends of my parents. (That's the weird thing in the news stories. I didn't know his name was Clyde. He's always gone by Denny, his middle name, I'm told.)

A lot of my childhood memories are from up at Gull Lake. I remember little things. My parents and Denny and Mary playing cards at night, drinking Jungle Juice (Apparently a lemonade/vodka drink). Cruising around Gull Lake in the big blue speed-boat we called the "Blue Baby," but that Denny would never officially name, listening to the Statler Brothers on 8-track. Playing mini-golf. Taking the boat to Taco Tuesdays.

I can't imagine what Barry is going through. I can't imagine how I would feel if I lost my whole family.

Suaimhneas Síoraí is an Irish phrase that translates as "Eternal Peace." We often wish peace to the dead, but I'd like to wish peace to the living. Barry, Kathleen Dorgan and Kathleen McHugh and all of their family and friends who will be missing Denny, Mary and Kristy. Hopefully they will find a way through this tragedy.

I wish I could write something profound and interesting, but I can't. Please do what you do to help those who have lost loved ones.

*Update* This says it right.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

It's the Dream That We All Share!

It was his idea.


If you don't follow Twitter, here's how the game went for me.

Am I the only one who thinks Landon Donovan looks like Michael Westin?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH phew! Too close. #USA United  States #ALG Algeria #worldcup What’s happening?

After an Algeria shot off the crossbar.

About 25 minutes in:
#USA keeps having goals taken away. It's a lot harder to win that way.

After another absolute shit offisides call to nullify a goal.

About 35 minutes in:
Put it in the GOD DAMNED NET! #USA

That was after about 3 missed open-net opportunities.

Halftime came and went, and I found myself having to Re-Tweet myself:
COME ON! RT @DiscordianStooj: Put it in the GOD DAMNED NET! #USA

That was after another 3 really good scoring opportunities.

At around the 90 minute mark:
2nd yellow card for #USA on a "handball" that didn't happen to go with the 2 goals stolen from them.

And then, less than a minute later:

After 5 minutes to compose myself:
Ahem. ... Final result #USA 1:0 #ALG USA wins group C, joined by the Three Kitties #worldcup #eng

I'll probably never do the Tweet re-cap again.

Your Field of 16 leader.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What Will Be Revealed Today


Oye! Oye!

Today I announce that the Affiliate is pregnant. That's right, if all goes well, I will be a father to a baby come December.

Finally, a Spin-off. (That's my nickname for the baby. Here only, 'cause we're calling it "Umberto" until we collapse the wave function and the sex is determined.)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

As If In A Dream, The One And Only V

Ugh. The DFL continues to show it doesn't want to win. I'm still waiting for the DFL to explain how a bill passed 125-9 was sucessfully vetoed. Sure, all the repubs ran away. Who were they? Why haven't they been asked over and over why they changed their votes? MAK has had trouble with the repubs when she had a clear majority. How will she handle them in a straight-up election? She's shown me nothing that says she can win, and plenty to say she can't.

It's hard to believe religious conservatives want to remove Thomas Jefferson from history books. It would make it easier for people like Sarah Palin to lie.

Prof. Stephen Hawking warns against communication with aliens. He's right about the odds of something being out there. Where he's wrong is saying not to explore because the aliens might be unfriendly and destroy us. (Also, he is just regurgitating the plot of "Independence Day" and the tv show "V." See what I did with my post title, now?)

We are humans. What we do is explore. There's always been a segment of society who said, "Don't cross that river, there are monsters on the other side." The maps with sea monters and "Here there be dragons" (Should I warn you of the horror of that link? Nah.) put on to discourage exploration. And there are always people who ignore it.

Prof. Hawking uses a Columbus analogy, saying we would be like the aboriginal Americans being invaded by the aliens. Possibly. Or we could be Columbus, finding a beautiful new world for humanity out among the stars. Maybe we could even do a better job of not virtually wiping out any inhabitants on that new world.

Either way, fear is a poor excuse not to explore.

Besides, if angry aliens do come to steal our water, we can use it against them with ... The Homeopathy Bomb! (Yay!)

Ask yourself, What Would Jesus Do? (NSFW) Or, clearly, don't, because you suck.

I've pretty much given up on the idea that I'll post Italy pictures. That involves work.

Your Boldly Go Where No One Has Gone Before leader.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Annual ZJD Post

The Day has come again. Tomorrow is Zombie Jesus Day. It is becomming a tradition, but I'll just link to what you need to know to be ready.

Be afraid.

(Italy Pics coming soon, I hope.)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Alia Iacta

I made a joke last week that Bigfoot is real, and clearly a ghost, which is why there is no evidence for him.

Someone is listening in on my conversations

Off to Venezia tomorrow, then Rome and Neopolis. It'll be nice to be out of touch for a week. (Not really. Our hotel in Rome has free Wi-Fi. Oh well.)

Your I Believe Carthage Should Be Destroyed leader.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Now Put Your Hands Up!

The Olympics are over! I'm finally free!

Does anyone know where I can watch a random cross-country skiing race?

The biggest hoax of the 20th Century is finally debunked. Proof that the Titanic never sank. One point:
The bottom of the sea is a messy place. Whales die there and their skeletons become home for all sorts of stuff. Have you seen a whale? They’re huge, especially the huge ones. Imagine one of those possibly killed by one of those stealth CO2 emitting volcanoes that no-one’s found yet. Yet amongst all this there’s supposed to be a ’shipwreck’. Against the vast majesty of nature, isn’t a tiny bit arrogant to assume that man could do anything noticeable on the sea-bed?
Let's find the purveyors of this nonsense and make sure they're brought to justice.

A dating tip for women, courtesy of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. It is 100% true.

Use it wisely.

Your "London 2012, Here We Come" leader.

Friday, February 19, 2010

How Many People Wanna Kick Some Ass?

(Videos Not Safe For Work)

Dear Bruce,

Your new nickname is "Epic Beard Man."

Dear Everyone,

Don't fuck with Epic Beard Man.

That is all.

Monday, January 25, 2010

What A Horrible Night To Have A Curse


The Saints won the same way they did much of the year; Lucky bounces, bad officiating and opponents' mistakes. Who wins by only three with a +4 takeaway ratio?

So, anyway, I'm starting to believe the Vikings are cursed, and I'll never see them in a Super Bowl. So be it!

Well, there's always next year. Are there any aging quarterbacks available to sign?

Your Always Next Year leader.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

That's Not My Name

Oh ... Hell ... Yeah!

I love that President Bartlet is narrating. Only excitement over the Vikings game is keeping me from salivating too much over the game. If they lose, Monday is going to suck.

Oh, and if you're the person in my local Netflix area who is watching Babylon 5; What do you think of the series? I'm finding it to be better than even "Battlestar Galactica." Also, I'm one disc behind you, and I'm watching each disc in pretty much one day, so if you could make sure you speed up your watching habits a bit, that would be great. Thanks in advance.

Worst doctor visit ever
. In a related note, I know a guy who will sell you a $100,000 meteorite life insurance policy for $1 a month. Just think about it.

And how could I almost let the day end without realizing it's National Pie Day. Olivia Munn must be ecstatic.

Your "Who Dat Who Gon' Beat Dem Saints? We Dat Who Gon' Beat Dem Saints!" leader.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Rumor Of My Demise ...

I've been quite uninspired to write as of late, but, you know, Vikings, NFC Championship, blah, blah, blah ...

I always ... I always ... I always love that one!

Now, I'm not one to pray. However, I am one to cheer for the Vikings and be heretical. So, by a narrow 2-1 margin, I bring you this:

Our Favre-ther who art in Mississippi, hallowed be thy name. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, in Miami as it is in the Dome. Give us this Sunday, our weekly win. Give us touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us. Lead us not into frustration, but deliver us to the Super Bowl. For thine is, the MVP, the best of the NFC, and the glory of the Purple People Eaters now and forever. - Author Unknown (to me, anyway)

This is how it should be. My grandpa was a bus driver, so I get angry when they are threatened or accosted. Criminals think people will sit by and let them be assholes. Let's keep letting them know we're willing to fight to keep a civil society.

Cecil gets one wrong. To be fair, this article is from 1980, and technology has vastly improved since then. To save money (and energy), you should always turn the lights off when they are not needed.

Your We Still Hate the Push-off leader.