Do You Know How Lucky You Are?

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... We got him! (Again)

It's been a while since there's been zombie news, but this investigative story should have us all sighing in relief.

Unfortunately, that list doesn't take into account people in their 20's apparently being completely worthless. This seems inevitable. Adulthood has been moving later as our lifespans get longer. You couldn't wait for 25 to be an adult when your average lifespan was 28. I'm not saying this is a good thing, of course. This is partly parents allowing their kids to stay with them longer than maybe they should. Not to mention that there are a lot of people and not many jobs. I think it's high time we start moving folks to the moon.

Speaking of the moon, I'm curious if any muslims out there can tell me how one would determine when Ramadan starts if one was living on the moon, since determining the start relies on seeing the moon.

Apparently having a nationwide radio show is bad for free speech. Laura Schlessinger is upset people called her a racist for saying racist things, so she's quitting. She wants her "1st Amendment" rights back. Come January, Dr. Laura will be free to say whatever she wants. Hopefully, no media carries what she says. We wouldn't want her rights violated.

Your Say It Loud leader.

The Heat Was Hot and The Ground Was Dry

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! No word on whether Brett "Baby Cheesus" Favre will be playing this year. More on this developing story as it develops.

Someone who will be playing is Hussein Abdullah, who has a plan for Ramadan, since he is fasting during the day, which means he can't eat or drink, even water, during the day, even when practicing. When Bud Grant was coach, this was SOP for all players. Of course, back then, the players weren't downing massive amounts of diuretics to mask all of the steroids they weren't taking, so it wasn't as big of a deal.

The real question is whether Abdullah will be allowed to play against the Jets. After all, the New Meadowlands is only about 12 miles from lower Mahattan. Will New York conservatives allow a devout muslim to get that close to Ground Zero?

Your Waiting For The Season To Start leader.

What A Horrible Night To Have A Curse

Ugh.

The Saints won the same way they did much of the year; Lucky bounces, bad officiating and opponents' mistakes. Who wins by only three with a +4 takeaway ratio?

So, anyway, I'm starting to believe the Vikings are cursed, and I'll never see them in a Super Bowl. So be it!

Well, there's always next year. Are there any aging quarterbacks available to sign?

Your Always Next Year leader.

The Rumor Of My Demise ...

I've been quite uninspired to write as of late, but, you know, Vikings, NFC Championship, blah, blah, blah ...

I always ... I always ... I always love that one!

Now, I'm not one to pray. However, I am one to cheer for the Vikings and be heretical. So, by a narrow 2-1 margin, I bring you this:

Our Favre-ther who art in Mississippi, hallowed be thy name. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, in Miami as it is in the Dome. Give us this Sunday, our weekly win. Give us touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us. Lead us not into frustration, but deliver us to the Super Bowl. For thine is, the MVP, the best of the NFC, and the glory of the Purple People Eaters now and forever. - Author Unknown (to me, anyway)

This is how it should be. My grandpa was a bus driver, so I get angry when they are threatened or accosted. Criminals think people will sit by and let them be assholes. Let's keep letting them know we're willing to fight to keep a civil society.

Cecil gets one wrong. To be fair, this article is from 1980, and technology has vastly improved since then. To save money (and energy), you should always turn the lights off when they are not needed.

Your We Still Hate the Push-off leader.

Men Who Mean Just What They Say

Please hug a veteran today. Or buy them a beer. Yeah, buy them a beer instead.

Marty Beckerman scores again. The funny thing is, I've been reading his work for 10 years or so, and I never considered him a rabid right-winger. Sure, he was appearing on Fox News, but his writing always has held an undercurrent of obscene libertarianism, in the "I want to keep my money, but I want to spend it on drugs and hookers" sense of the word. His description of himself doesn't match what I've ever gotten from him, but I'm glad he's able to see how a person can change.

Sign him now!

Sean Hannity is a Twit.

Again, please let our veterans know they are appreciated. They keep us safe and give us the ability to enjoy things like the Vikings being 7-1 and running away with the NFC North division.

Your Fearless Men leader.

Form A Line To The Throne (Vikings 2-0)

I say play the playoff (if necessary) at Target Field. I also say the Twins should make it unnecessary.

Not much to mention from the Vikings game. It's weird to think that 92 yards rushing and a touchdown is disappointing, though.

(Closed Circuit to the Baseball Writers Association: Mauer for MVP!)

Can one of my lawyer readers answer this question: If you settle a lawsuit, and part of the settlement is that the defendant doesn't admit guilt, and the plaintiff's attorney then comes right out and says, "$200,000 sounds like an admission of misconduct to me," should the plaintiff's attorney forfeit all of his fee and be disbarred for breaking the agreement?

Maybe it's just me, but I think knowingly exposing someone to a deadly disease should be more than a misdemeanor.

A Florida man was arrested after killing his family. He said he wanted to kill himself, but that he wouldn't get into heaven if he committed suicide. Murdering 6 people doesn't bar you from heaven, but killing yourself afterward does? He also claims an evil spirit made him kill his family. I'm pretty sure that's a valid defense in Florida.

Muammar Qadaffi calls U.N. Security Council "Terrorism Council." Oddly, he then asked for a permanent seat for Libya.

Happy Birthday, Boss!

Your Looking For Overexposure leader.

It Came Out Magical (Vikings 1-0)

So it took a Vikings game to pull me out from my not intentional blogging hiatus.

And what a game it was. Sure, the 1st half was a little sloppy, but Adrian Peterson will not be denied. I like what I'm seeing from the Vikes, and am looking forward to what they will do next week against the Lions. Speaking of whom, has any team gone 0-16 two seasons in a row?

Why haven't I been blogging? Well, I worked 14 out of 15 days in a row, most of it at the State Fair. The Fair is always a good time, though the Kid Rock concert brought out some rowdy folk.

Also, The Affiliate has been lonly without The Hillock, so we adopted 2 kittens.

That's Aristotle on the left and Joules on the right. We'll be bringing them home after our trip to Las Vegas.

A trip to celebrate my 30th birthday on Thursday.

OK, time to watch the season finale of "True Blood."

Your Really I'm Just Lazy leader.

I've Got Cat Class And I've Got Cat Style

So I'm sitting here as the fastest thunderstorm in history blows over, plotting out my spot on the Super Bowl parade route and missing The Hillock trying to steal my string cheese, and I come across a titter post from Marty Beckerman. It links to this story by Prof. Alan Dershowitz where SCJ Scalia makes the case that innocence is no reason not to execute somebody.

“This court has never held that the Constitution forbids the execution of a convicted defendant who has had a full and fair trial but is later able to convince a habeas court that he is ‘actually’ innocent. Quite to the contrary, we have repeatedly left that question unresolved, while expressing considerable doubt that any claim based on alleged ‘actual innocence’ is constitutionally cognizable.”

Dershowitz has good point:

Let us be clear precisely what this means. If a defendant were convicted, after a constitutionally unflawed trial, of murdering his wife, and then came to the Supreme Court with his very much alive wife at his side, and sought a new trial based on newly discovered evidence (namely that his wife was alive), these two justices would tell him, in effect: “Look, your wife may be alive as a matter of fact, but as a matter of constitutional law, she’s dead, and as for you, Mr. Innocent Defendant, you’re dead, too, since there is no constitutional right not to be executed merely because you’re innocent.”

Dershowitz also wonders how this affects Scalia's Catholicism. I'm waiting for Bill Donahue to call for Scalia being denied communion, although I'm not putting any money on it.

I'm more worried that a Supreme Court Justice thinks it's perfectly OK to execute innocent people under our Constition. Maybe, just maybe, that might be unreasonable seizure.

Of course, if that guy's wife was not alive, but had in fact come back as a zombie, then all bets are off. Of course, that study just tells us the obvious. That zombies must be wiped out immediately. I wish they'd paid me a bunch of cash to say that.

Your Cat Missing leader.

Disappointed Man, Where've You Been?

Ladies and Gentlemen ... we don't got him. I don't worry. They've got T-Ja ... Sage Rosenf ... John David Boo ... OK, they're screwed. At least they signed Antoine Winfield. Had the Vikings not signed him, he might have signed with Green Bay, Chicago or Det ... He might have signed with the Packers or the Bears.

Crack is whack.

Best Headline Ever: Snakes Escape From Man's Pants, Cause SUV To Crash

You're welcome.

Your QB Controversy leader.

#4

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... we got 'im!

That is all.

Your Interceptions leader.

PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!! (Vikings 10-6; NFC North Champions)

Vikings win! They don't call him Longwell for nothing. Six of six from 50 yards and beyond this year.

I predicted 9-7 and in the playoffs earlier this year. Considering the Giants played mostly backups in the 2nd half, I'll call that a successful prediction. We'll see who they get in round one. At home.

And AP only fumbled once today. I call that improvement ... I guess.

Your SKOL VIKINGS!!!!!!!!!! leader.

Back To The Water (Vikings 8-5)

A tight victory for the Vikes. My prediction wasn't as good as it might have seemed since I predicted that the Lions would score negative 20 points. While I was later informed that this was impossible, I stuck by my prediction.

Even more interesting was the postgame coverage on Fox. Apparently Visanthe let his Shiancoe loose on national TV. Not that it was his fault, but expect Fox to be fined billions of dollars. I'm guessing letting a penis on television has to be worse than a breast with a covered nipple.

My happiness for the win was tempered a bit when I found out that KSTP radio fired Tommy Mischke. He was the most interesting and original person on radio. Listen to the clips at the end of the story to hear how different he really was. When you're done, check out Mischke Madness to hear more. Then bombard AM 1500 with requests to get the man back. We shouldn't let talent like this go without a fight.

Oh, and it's The Affiliate's and my sextemberversary. I made that word up. She prefers semi-anniversary. I like mine better. Anyway, we've been married for six months. Yay, us!

Your Broadcast Outcast leader.

BANNED!!!!11!1!

Well, I guess the season is over. Most teams don't survive losing their 3rd and 4th best defensive players (Allen and Winfield are the best two, but Winfield's impact is lower than the Williams Wall). And "I didn't know!" is rarely a good excuse.

On the other hand, I still predict a 24-7 victory over Detroit on Sunday.

Your Loss leader.

*UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Apparently "justice doesn't work that way." The Williams Wall will be on the field this weekend. I now predict a 24 to -20 victory. I also expect Pat Williams to have put on a bit of weight since he can't use his weight loss pills anymore.

And It's Slippin' Away (Vikings 7-5)

WHAT DO YA' THINK OF MY DEFENSE NOW?! (YEEEEARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!)

The Vikings have sole possession of first place. That's what happens when you stop a team on 4 straight downs from inside the 1 yard line, then turn around and throw a 99 yard touchdown pass.

Also, the Vikings are undefeated in Hailey's lifetime. We know for whom she cheers.

Have a pleasant week.

Your Happy As A Clam leader.

I Am A Fighter Who's Not Made A Fist (Vikings 5-4)

Yes! Tied for first (again). Game balls on defense to an injured Jared Allen and Madieu Williams, who made a tremendous stop on the penultimate play to force a 52 yard field goal attempt, which, of course, was missed. On offense, Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor combined for 337 of Minnesotas 371 offensive yards. Ye-gads!

It was the top on a great day. I got a buck with actual antlers this morning as well. It's a good sized deer, and should be some good eating. I also got to dig around in its guts, which was cool. T. Hussein Mississippifarian should be happy. There are 4 fewer deer roaming Aitkin county today because of my hunting party. Another guy actually cock-blocked one buck. He got the doe as well. So no baby rats deer for them.

I'll have pictures soon.

Your Venison leader.

This Is Our Decision, To Live Fast And Die Young (Vikings 3-4)

Colin Powell endorses Barack obama? Are people wearing hats on their feet and hamburgers eating people? My favorite line is when he just admonishes Michelle Bachmann for this comedy bit.

The Vikings put up a valiant effort against the Bears at Soldier Field, but lost 48-41. Each team individually beat the Over-Bet on this game, and i figured the Vikes would lose by 20, so all in all it wasn't a disaster. I didn't listen to "Vikings Fan Line" to see how the callers blamed this game on Childress, so if you have any theories as to why Childress should be fired because of this game, let me know.

Speaking of Fan Line, I'm guessing Jeff Dubay wasn't hosting. The story doesn't say what the drug was, but in the comments it mentions Meth. Someone says it was 6 grams of Meth, but that would be 3rd degree possession, so I'm not sure I buy that, at least not the amount. I also saw "meth precursors" which means ephedrine or pseudoephedrine (e.g. Sudafed). (That could also mean red phosphorus, but I doubt it.) Too much cold/asthma medication? He was mysteriously gone earlier this year, and rehab is the official rumor. Maybe the speed is to supplement the weight loss program he's been hyping. And stop calling the guy "Puffy," for god's sake; it's driving him to drugs.

I'm guessing he'll be off the air for a while. May I suggest expanding The Common Man Progrum to 5 hours?

Your Wishing Him The Best leader.

I'll Be Gone (Vikings 2-3)

It's been a while. I got a new laptop, and I've been playing Spore a lot, making my own creature and raising it from a cell to a space-faring race. Pretty awesome, I must say. (Rumors that I spent $1,000 on a laptop to play a $50 game are, as of this posting, unconfirmed.)

(Addition: Almost forgot the Vikes): The Vikings managed to win a game that was desperately given to them by the N.O. Saints. It's sad to think that Antoine Winfield might end up leading the team in touchdowns. Or, even less likely, Viscante Shianco.

If you are fortunate enough to have HBO, you should check out "The Life and Times of Tim," a new cartoon show. It is about Tim, who is a most unfortunate man. He is put into really bad situations, usually through no fault of his own, and, being polite, has a really hard time getting out of them. One episode had Tim being promoted to Vice-President of his company, but only if he pretends to be Mexican so the company looks more diverse. Another episode had him talked into objecting to his girlfriend's sister's wedding by the presiding priest. Most of these episodes involve Tim saying "This sounds like a bad idea" at some point. The humor is dry, the animation "squiggle-vision" like, and the characters wacky (except Tim, who is pretty much the most regular guy ever). It's on Sunday nights. Love it.

Sometimes, a music video illustrates a great song. Other times, the video is a weird mishmash that has nothing to do with the song. However, it is very rare when the song simply says what's going on in the video.



There's a "debate" tonight. If you're one of the 20 people who doesn't have a preference in candidates, let us know who you think won. Then relax and know that 20 people won't swing the election either way.

Your Take Me On leader.

Dear Chicago (Vikings 1-3)

Forces are conspiring to keep Chicago from playing the Tigers. How often does the same game get rained out twice? That weather maching sure is coming in handy for whoever controls it.

Oh, this should be a great show. Ryan Adams will walk off stage after 2 songs when someone request "Run to You," and Noel Gallagher will stab Liam in the eye. Actually, that sounds like it would be a lot of fun.

Also, our economy is collapsing under us because people decided they really don't want to give CEOs a whole lot of money for stealing. (No link. Not like you can't find one if you really want to read about the horror).

Vikes suck. Nothing more to say, except GO WILD!

Your Sickened leader.

I'm In Love With That Song (Vikings 1-2)

Well, the stone-cold kryptonite lock of the week was right again. Listen, when I attend a home Vikings game, they just don't lose. I think I've seen them beat Carolina 3 times now. Just trust me. Go Gus!

I survived my "Birthday Extravaganza," which consisted of meeting my parents at Grand Casino Hinckley. So, anyone who thought they may have been snubbed, rest assured that no one else was invited either. Everyone bu me won money, which is no shock at all.

By the way, if anyone knows where the casinos get their cut on poker tables, drop a comment in. I'm just curious.

I also caught the Cohen Brothers' (One of us! One of us!) new picture, "Burn After Reading." It is, shall we say, exactly what a Cohen Brothers movie should be. Strange people in way over their heads. Goofy characters with no idea what's actually going on. Frances McDormand and George Clooney. Pretty much what you'd expect if you know their work, and funny as hell. J.K. Simmons may have the best role in the movie, as a C.I.A. higher-up who is not a complete moron. He looks on much as we do, wondering exactly what the fuck is going on, as well as if he is, in fact, the only sane person on the planet. A solid 4 out of 5.

I'd also like to welcome Ms. Katherine to the blogoverse. She's maybe best known as the "Don't Come Back Girl," and since she put her first post up on my birthday, I'm obliged to mention her here. Her first video mentions she doesn't like Dane Cook, but does like marijuana. I thought maybe marijuana had something to do with why so many people like Dane Cook, but apparently that is not the case. Anyway, good luck, Katherine.

(As a side note, searching for "Katherine" at The Cucking Stool was a bad idea. Nothing but Kersten as far as I could scroll ...)

Here's to a 9-7 season, and the Vikings in the playoffs.

Your Overly Optimistic leader.

Happy Birthday To Me!

*Singing* This is my birthday song, it isn't very long. */singing* Yep. It's been 29 years. Here's to five more. (Just kidding.)

I'll first off renew my efforts to make Constitution Day, the real birthday of our nation, a national holiday (so I can get my birthday off). Here goes: The Declaration of Independence threw off the yoke of British rule (that, and the war). But our nation wasn't really born until the Constitution was ratified. So, really, Independence Day was the conception of our nation, while Constitution Day is the actual birthday.

OK. As a birthday gift, the Vikings have removed T-Jack from the starting QB position. I may have been the last T-Jack holdout, but the guy is awful. Frerotte isn't the answer, so they'll have to go out and find a real QB, but it's a step in the right direction. If things don't turn around, Childress should be next. The fact is, the Vikings were always going to be 0-2 at this point. The fact that they could have won both games shows they are close to being a winning team. Fire the coach now, and that's done. The QB position is the weak point on the team. See if a change works. If not, it's bye-bye Chilly.

Target Field is apparently the new home of the Minnesota Targets Twins. While I've never had a problem with the Target Center's name, noe the XCel Energy Center (which is actually a pretty good name), Couldn't we have called it Killebrew Field, Brought to You by Target or something similar? It would still be better than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

I've been playing Rock Band 2 pretty much non-stop since Monday. It took the World Tour from the first game, which could only be played multiplayer, and made it the whole game. You can, of course, still quickplay, but there's more fun for a single player to customize the band and play all different instruments while moving towards the goal of stardom. Also, all but 3 songs from the first game can be exported and played in RB2, so I didn't have to give up "Tom Sawyer," "Say It Ain't So" or "Won't Get Fooled Again." And you can erase any songs you don't want from RB1, so I'll never have to see "Green Grass and High Tides" again for as long as I live. Awesome!

Speaking of video games, T Hussein Mississippifarian points out studies showing what I already knew. Number 7 in the second link should be of particular interest to anti-video game elites like Spotty:

7. Video game play is socially isolating.
Much video game play is social.
Almost 60 percent of frequent gamers play with friends. Thirty-three percent
play with siblings and 25 percent play with spouses or parents. Even games
designed for single players are often played socially, with one person giving
advice to another holding a joystick. A growing number of games are designed for
multiple players — for either cooperative play in the same space or online play
with distributed players... In this way there are really two games taking place
simultaneously: one, the explicit conflict and combat on the screen; the other,
the implicit cooperation and comradeship between the players. Two players may be
fighting to death on screen and growing closer as friends off screen. Social
expectations are reaffirmed through the social contract governing play, even as
they are symbolically cast aside within the transgressive fantasies represented
onscreen.

So there you go.

I guess I'm being unfair to Spotty. He's from the generation who thought Pong was awesome. Which it is, but it's not the only awesome game there is.

Apparently there's a Birthday Extravaganza! planned for me this weekend. If I survive, I'll see you all soon.

Your Rock'n Me Baby leader.