These Are The Ways The World Will End

In case you aren't a Facebook friend, and you care, we're having a boy.

And apparently Mark Dayton won the MN DFL primary. Which proves once again that the DFL endorsement process doesn't really find the person most DFLers will vote for. Of course, winning the primary hasn't led to too many victories lately either, so Dayton's got his work cut out for him.

Of course, Tom Emmer probably thinks Relativity is a liberal plot, so he's got that going for him.

So, I ordered the CD "Trebuchet" by George Hrab. Hrab was pretty smart. He put the CD up on his "Geologic Podcast" for free, without track breaks. There's not much chance I would have bought the disc, but after hearing it on the podcast, I decided to buy it.

Anyway, I thought I'd share what is the greatest e-mail I've ever received from a commercial website.

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.
A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.
Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.
We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, August 10, 2010.
We hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. In commemoration, we have placed your picture on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sigh...
We miss you already. We'll be right here at http://cdbaby.com/, patiently awaiting your return.

Awesome.

Anyway, check out the "Geologic Podcast." (It's not really about geology at all) Also check out "Trebuchet," which has some really good tunes on it.

I'll also take a moment to recomend the "Read It and Weep" podcast. It's a podcast about 3 guys who partake in the worst books, movies and TV and then rip the hell out of it. They made their bones on the "Twilight" series, but they do a good job on pretty much everything. It's really funny, even if you haven't read what they are critiquing.

On a side note, I started listen listening to "Read It and Weep" a few months ago. About 1 month ago, they started following me on Twitter, which was odd because I wasn't following them, nor had I contacted them in any way. Strange, this internet of ours.

Your Getting the House Ready leader.

That's Not My Name

Oh ... Hell ... Yeah!



I love that President Bartlet is narrating. Only excitement over the Vikings game is keeping me from salivating too much over the game. If they lose, Monday is going to suck.

Oh, and if you're the person in my local Netflix area who is watching Babylon 5; What do you think of the series? I'm finding it to be better than even "Battlestar Galactica." Also, I'm one disc behind you, and I'm watching each disc in pretty much one day, so if you could make sure you speed up your watching habits a bit, that would be great. Thanks in advance.

Worst doctor visit ever. In a related note, I know a guy who will sell you a $100,000 meteorite life insurance policy for $1 a month. Just think about it.

And how could I almost let the day end without realizing it's National Pie Day. Olivia Munn must be ecstatic.



Your "Who Dat Who Gon' Beat Dem Saints? We Dat Who Gon' Beat Dem Saints!" leader.

Disappointed Man, Where've You Been?

Ladies and Gentlemen ... we don't got him. I don't worry. They've got T-Ja ... Sage Rosenf ... John David Boo ... OK, they're screwed. At least they signed Antoine Winfield. Had the Vikings not signed him, he might have signed with Green Bay, Chicago or Det ... He might have signed with the Packers or the Bears.

Crack is whack.

Best Headline Ever: Snakes Escape From Man's Pants, Cause SUV To Crash

You're welcome.

Your QB Controversy leader.

And Sitting In The Chair Is You

Walter Cronkite, R.I.P. He was well before my time, but I've seen enough old news footage for him to be stamped in my memory.

Wisconsin is a crazy state. I'm guessing Cronkite never had to announce that someone crashed the Weinermobile into a house.

So that happened.

Even thieves think it's a good idea for you to lock your car. Something is wrong in that story, though. If his music taste was so good, why leave the CDs behind?

If you're an uggo, stay out of Chicago.

That's enough midwestern weirdness for today.

As you may have seen to the right, I got a Palm Pre. As of today, I'm loving it. As I learn more things I can do with it, I assume I'll love it more. There's no special Blogger ap yet, but I'm hoping.

On the down side of technology, my car adapter for my iPod broke. It wasn't perfect, but I was able to listen to my iPod in the car pretty much everywhere. My new adapter, on the other hand, seems to only work regularly outside of the metro area. It makes no sense. The new one is the same brand as the old one. Isn't technology supposed to improve over time? I'd think that in two years the transmission would improve, not diminish. I'm not happy with Griffin.

Have a good weekend. Hopefully the weather feels more like July, instead of October.

Your "And That's The Way It Is" leader.

It's The Time Of The Season For Loving

I've pulled the glass sliver from my foot, and I'm ready to go. (Actually, a co-worker pulled it out, for which I'm very greatful.) Things could always be worse. Please be very careful riding your bikes, and for Hastur's sake quit riding the wrong way down the street!

Everyone's talking about Boston PD using Twitter to tell people if there's a zombie invasion. I don't buy it. There's no need to create panic just because one cop got bitten by a zombie. In fact, it would be irresponsible to tell people about an isolated zombie attack, as it would cause a huge panic. Plus, Beth Israel in Boston has the antidote. I'm told I'm not supposed to talk about the antidote nothing at all. (Thanks to MnObserver for the link)

Anyway, Boston zombies would include some of the great minds of American history, so I wish the Boston PD luck.

I'm not sure what this video is supposed to mean, but the answer is, "Yes, I do like boobs a lot."

He's sorry he said it, but I'm sure he meant it. Metaphorically, of course. Politicians and cops are natural enemies forced to work together, like peanut butter and jelly.

The Twins don't seem to get the concept of the 9 inning game. You only need one more run that the other team. You can't carry over the other 18 runs into any other games. On the other hand, let Joe Mauer keep doing what he's doing.

And though I'm sure they don't need it from me, a quick link to The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, a fabulous podcast about science.

Your New Windows leader.

Ich Wär So Gerne Millionär

Do you speak German? You could live in 7 of the Top 10 Best Places to Live. Here's the list:

1. Vienna
2. Zürich
3. Geneva
4. (tie) Vancouver, Canada
4. (tie) Auckland, New Zealand
6. Düsseldorf, Germany
7. Munich
8. Frankfurt
9. Bern, Switzerland
10. Sydney

Honolulu is the top rated U.S. city, at number 29.

Obviously cost of living isn't a big part of the rankings.

Of course, if I could get paid to lay in bed and drink coffee, maybe I'd be able to afford it.

And here's the reason Cincinatti wasn't in the top 10. Apparently city officials think a mannequin outside a BBQ join was just a little too sexy. Yes, the owners were forced to dress a hunk of plastic more conservatively. God bless America!

Your Blue Danube leader.

I'm Stuck Here On The Ground, As Cold And Drunk As I Can Be

Today's post title was inspired by this and the fact that it's 4 AM and pouring outside.

You might have noticed my Twitter feed in the right column. If you've been reading it (and seriously, why?), you might have seen mention of "Ice Tea Guy." Let me explain. No, there is too much; let me sum up. Um, never mind, I'll explain the whole thing.

The other day, I showed The Affiliate this picture:


She looked confused. She didn't get it. I said, "Who's the guy in the picture?" She said, "That's the Iced Tea Guy, right?"

That is, of course, The Kool-Aid Man.

She then tried to backpedal. "I mean the Hi-C Guy." Still, wrong, of course, but at least she was guessing something name-brand. She finally figured it out. Give her some credit. She just got her MBA, and is allowed to not know things as useless as this.

I finally got to the point as to why this picture is, indeed, win. Kool-Aid Man is well known for breaking through walls and yelling, "OH, YEAH!". Someone found an actual broken wall and had the presence of mind to put up this picture and photograph it. Whomever you are, I salute you!

Anyway, I've decided that Iced Tea Guy would not break through walls. Instead, he would come calmly through the door, and yell his catchphrase, "INDEED!" And that's Iced Tea Guy.

So that's some time you won't get back. Time lost. And every second lost brings us all closer to the coming zombie apocalypse. (You just got segued!)

The Chicago Tribune seems to be taking it lightly. (Link via a Norwegian) If you want serious coverage, stick with me. Or with these guys. Unfortunately, the Zombie Attack Preparedness Team shares it's initials with Zombies Are People Too (No link, because they're not). The good Z.A.P.T. (that's the zombie fighting one) was featured on an interesting G4 TV show and looked like they really had the goods. And guns.

Oh, I almost forgot. Iced Tea Guy has a sidekick named Lemonade Dude.

A legitimate update to a story that baffled and amused me while back. They caught the gorilla head bandits! Once again, idiots were brought down by the massive secret police operation that is YouTube.

Did I say massive secret police organization? I meant colossal clandestine constabulary cabal. (I didn't originally mean for that to be alliterative; it just happened.) (Also, that four word phrase has never appeared on the internet before today.)

Your Early Morning Rain leader.

Put The Fake Goatee On

So last night The Hillock threw up all of his food and then started wobbling around the kitchen. After he walked into the wall, we realized he was having a bigger problem, so we gave him something to eat. For the first time ever, he wouldn't eat. Then he fell down.

After a quick consultation with Dr. SIL, we rushed him to an emergency all-night vet. (I wanted to just give him Skittles, but she said no.) He peed on The Affiliate on the way there. It turns out his blood sugar was 33. At around 30 seizures and coma set in.

Well, the doctors got his sugar up, and wanted him to stay all night. We love The Hillock, but $1,000 is a lot to spend on an old diabetic cat. We decided to take the chance bringing him home and keeping an eye on him.

I had to feed him every 1/2 hour. For the first time in a while, he didn't eat every scrap of food put out for him and beg for more. I think even he was saying, "Seriously, I'm not hungry anymore." But he made it through the night.

The vet today said he'll be fine, and has been getting too much insulin. He was actually feistier than he's been in a while when I picked him up.

Anyway, we discovered that limit of what we'll pay to save our pet. At least one as old and sick as The Hillock. But I don't think it will be an issue for a while.

In other news ...

Have you ever seen anything this horrific? Well, it may look worse than this guy, but I fear the bee much more.

This is something.

This is not.

And it is not November ... yet.

Your Nothing leader.

When I Want Somethin' And I Don't Wanna Pay For It

Story of the week.

Appleton police said residents should be on the lookout for a gorilla head.

OK, that's a great start.

Police said someone took the head off a 6-foot mechanical gorilla mannequin in the parking lot of Balloon Magic. It disappeared between 10 a.m. Thursday and 9 a.m. Friday.

Where can I get my own mechanical gorilla mannequin? Unfortunately, a google search for "mechanical gorilla mannequin" leads mostly to this story, along with an episode list for "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction" that includes an episode in which a mechanical gorilla goes on a rampage. Which may be why the head was stolen from this gorilla.

Oh, but the best part of the story:

The gorilla advertises the fact the business offers gorilla-grams — a gorilla delivering a message along with balloons.

This is the best service offered by any business ever. However, I'm guessing it's a person in a gorilla costume, not an actual gorilla, that delivers the message. Gorillas would demand a union, making them cost-prohibitive.

Anyway, the cops should be checking fraternities at Lawrence University for the goods. This sounds like a good pledge prank.

In personal news, my big toe feels like it's broken. I think I might have gout. More on this developing story as it develops.

Your Ow, Ow, OW! leader.

It's Not Funny, It's Not Fair

There's a new show on NBC called "Kath and Kim." It's supposed to be a comedy. I was a little worried about that when I saw that Molly Shannon was in it. Then I saw the ads, which made me ask, aren't commercials for comedies supposed to make the show seem funny? I caught the first 5 minutes of the first episode (it was recorded on my DVR after "My Name is Earl). Not a single laugh. Not a chuckle. Not a smile. Nothing. NBC is calling it their newest hit, which I suppose is accurate if you define "hit" as any TV show you air. This bothers me because NBC thought better of getting "Scrubs" for the last season and replaced it with utterly unfunny crap. Way to go, NBC executives.

And now for news!

Man names daughter Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak. Against his wife's wishes, apparently. He says he did it to "get the word out." Get the word out that there is a presidential ticket on which someone named McCain and someone named Palin are running? I think that's out there. That you support said ticket? You say you have a lawn sign. That's usually enough. The name has a shelf life of 3 weeks. Ava Grace is a somewhat pretty name (certainly better than other names growing in popularity, like Aschleigheey). My guess is you won't be having any more kids, at least with this wife. If you do, name the next one Jamie American Red Cross, to get the word out about blood donation. You know, something helpful.

Baby Girl Ciptak could always do this, I guess. I hope Ms. Cutoutdissection(dot)com realizes that many websites stop being active and are often bought out by porn dealers. Actually, I hope she doesn't. That would be hilarious.

105 Year Old Credits Long Life to No Sex. We're happy for ya. I'd rather live to 40, thank you kindly.

And, on a soberingly horrible note, there will be another zombie pub-crawl this year. It's Saturday night, in fact, and somehow the walking dead managed to get me off duty that night. There's nothing I can do to protect you. Good luck, Minneapolis. I'll try and clean up the carnage on Sunday. Just hold on for one night. Here are some tips to help you through the horror.

Best of luck.

Your Properly Horrified leader.

Crescent Fresh

Public Service Announcement ahead!!!!!

Closed circuit to the guy who needs to get to llama school:



And in case you've forgotten what Crescent Fresh means.



Your Super Cres leader.

Nothing Lasts Forever, Even Cold November Rain

As I write this, there is ice falling from the sky. Which I believe is a sign of the Apocalypse. But before I repent, I will double check.

Nope, no ice. It's atheism for another night, at least.

I got the stinky meat smell out of my car. It took a lot of Febreze, some Oust and a liberal amount of vinegar. Of course, my jumper cables have gained sentience, but I'm hoping that will pass in a few days.

Wait a minute, talking jumper cables ... nope, no mention in the bible. Still OK.

Our Katie (c. Spotty) is enraged about religion in schools. Shocked? Don't be. It's only because it's an Islamic school.

Of course, I agree with her. The school is obviously supporting religion, and specifically Islam. Since it's a public school, it's wrong. But of course, we dangerous atheist lefties support the Muslim hordes and only hate Christians, so we'll ignore this. Oh, wait.

Well, OK. But where's the ACLU, which goes after every little bit of Christianity? Why isn't the ACLU upset about this religion in public schools? Um, never mind.

I'll spend some more time looking for hypocrisy that proves that Christians are the only group discriminated against in this country. Being on the KAR blogroll brings responsibility, after all.

Anyway, until Katie decides that religion in public schools is wrong, not just the religions she doesn't like, I'll continue to ridicule her. Because she is really worthless. Honestly, Star Tribune, hire Cap'n Fishsticks as a columnist, or maybe Mitch Berg. Someone who can come up with an original idea, not just copy from other right-wingers. Someone who can get off of politics for 5 seconds and write about the community without making it into an anti-left screed. (Not swifteeeeeeee, obviously.)

Here's a Google-bomb for Katherine Kersten. Or maybe swiftee. I haven't decided. Hell, let's do both! (Not safe for work)

Your Lincoln Workout leader.

Somebody Save Me

I've woken up in what can only be described as "moderate-to-strong pain" the last two days, which means I haven't gotten to the club to work out, which means I am feeling lazy this week. Apparently I'm not sleeping very soundly, and I have no idea why.

Pain won't stop me from getting out to DL tonight. Rumor has it that PZ Myers, the guy who introduced me to lefty blogs, may be dragging his tentacled self out to the 331 Club tonight. I can't resist the siren's call....

Have you ever planned a wedding? Here's an exchange between The Affiliate and I from today:

A: Ok, do you want to walk your mom down the aisle before my brother walks my mom down, or do you want Brian to walk your mom down the aisle before my brother walks my mom and you will just walk around the side and get on the alter without walking down the aisle?

Big decisions!

Me:I'll walk my mom down. Although, I'm pretty sure she can walk by herself, being a grown woman and all. She's a tough cookie, you know. ;) Do I get to walk to the same song as everyone else? Or does that start after I'm already at the altar, checking my watch?

My wedding party march is "Scotland the Brave" from a great bagpipe music CD I have, by the way. It also happened to be my high school fight song, which is awesome.

This won't be served at the wedding: "Texan Faces charges Over Snake Vodka." Apparently he put baby rattlers in vodka and sold it without a liquor license. The man is also the "state's largest exporter of live turtles to Asia." That is something I would like to someday be. Although I'm not sure if he exports the most turtles to Asia, or if he simply has more volume than other exporters. Also, the fact that there are multiple live turtle exporters in Texas interests me.

We'll see how pissed The Affiliate is about this post. At least I didn't correct her spelling of "altar" publicly.

Oops.

Your Soon To Not Be Engaged leader.

Just 5 Feet Tall And Sick Of Me

Woman sits on toilet for 2 years. This story is for Jeremy. As a humerous side note, the Sheriff in this case's name is Whipple.

In Minnesota, the winters are long and cold, and unlike some other cold places, there's not a lot to do. That's how this kid got the practice to become the best Guitar Hero player in the world.

Congratulations to Jenna Bush. I understand why she chose to get married in Texas. The Affiliate and I also decided we'd rather stay close to home rather than have an extravagant White House wedding.

Woman smuggles skeleton onto an airplane. She was fulfilling her brother's wish to be buried in Italy. Me, I'd like to be stuffed and put on the couch to keep away potential suitors from my widow and possibly my daughter, if I have one.

Especially if she is dating a guy like this.

Jumping off your roof into the pool is kind of cool. But, see, there's no pool there. So it's not cool at all. It's just stupid. Really, really stupid.

Not as stupid as not watching Midnight Spank on G4, however.



Don't let it open the bag.

Your Evil Butterfly leader.

Let Us Turn Our Thoughts Today...

No holiday talk. If you want analysis on the life of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, do a blog search. I'm sure you'll find some stories, possibly including Mitt Romney's father.

Speaking of politics, "change" seems to be the theme of the campaigns this year. I'd like to remind the candidates that "making change" makes me think of turning paper money into metal money, not fixing health care or ending war. But I think the candidates can make the point themselves, with the help of David Bowie.

(Via Chris)

Missouri Chainsaw Mayhem.

A man wielding a chainsaw and knife attacked residents at a Missouri homeless shelter where he was staying, leaving two people in critical condition and injuring two others, police said Sunday. Sheriff Dennis Crane said two victims were cut by a chainsaw and two others by a knife. Authorities said the victims injured by the chainsaw were in critical condition, while the other two were treated and released.

I am picturing a heavily bearded guy in fatigues dual-wielding a chainsaw in one hand and a knife in the other. Also, it's obvious that if you want to commit mayhem (def. 1), a chainsaw is preferable. Not even a claymore can do more damage.

Watkins had been staying at the shelter for about two weeks and was taking part in a program that provides residents with on-the-job-training, authorities said.

Obviously as a lumberjack. *rimshot*

A story on the werewolf blooded. They are from the Wisconsin of Mexico, I would guess.

Your Mayhem leader.

Technoviking (Vikings 6-6)

Playoffs! Playoffs?! I will give the Lions credit for holding Adrian Peterson to a measly 116 yards, although he did only carry 15 times.

I think this guy would be pleased with the result this week. Dance, Technoviking, dance!


(h/t to Chris)

Your Winning Out leader.

But She Said, "I'm Sure You're Mistaken"

I've not written for a while. I've been in mourning. Now, I'm usually on the side of a union, but I am left wondering if these guys realized that they are professional lacrosse players, and should be grateful just to be able to eat every day.

This article left me feeling sad for people. It's about changes in Minnesota funeral law. The first line left me scratching my head. Is it beneath the dignity of a dead man to ride in the back of a pickup truck? Really? this is what we're worried about? The dead man, well, he's dead, and really has no dignity.

The State Health Guy in charge of mortuary science, David Beneke, says the changes were made to, "prevent someone from disposing of a dead body in an unacceptable manner, such as a funeral pyre." He then adds, "If there was a group that was doing this continuously for 25 years, we would allow it." Which means that there can be no new funeral traditions ever again. And besides, what's wrong with a funeral pyre? It was good enough for the folks in the old country.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but there is no logical reason to restrict how a body can be disposed of except that the people who get paid to dispose of the bodies want to keep getting paid. There are illogical reasons, like, oh, this:

Benke said the law still would allow a body to be transported in a van or an SUV. But the state wants to prohibit bodies transported in pickup trucks or trailers, even if they are covered.

"We don't think that's respectful to the deceased," he said.

It's not the Health Department's job to tell me what is respectful to my dead family member. If it is unhealthy for a corpse to be placed in the back of an open truck, make the case. Leave respect for the dead to people who know the dead.

Considering that morticians can get a religious waver for some rules, I'm guessing the rules have little to do with public health. Although it wouldn't be the first time that religious beliefs were used to fight against public health.

Finally, this story makes me feel better about macing squirrels on my back porch.

Your Bring Out Your Dead leader.

What Pattern Does A Scottish Pirate Wear? Arrrrrrgyle

It begins. International Talk Like A Pirate Day is about to begin here in the Central Daylight Time Zone. Arr, me mateys. We shall tell jokes that will make yer skin boil and yer blood crawl.

Why couldn't the young pirate see the movie? It was rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

How does a pirate poison someone? He uses arrrrrrsenic.

What do pirates do when they disagree? They arrrrrrrrrrrrgue.

How does a pirate keep his refrigerator smelling fresh? Arrrrrrrrrm and Hammer.

What happened to the pirate who broke a minor rule while serving in the Navy? He got an Arrrrrrrrrticle 15. (Bet you didn't see that one coming)

And as a Navy man, the college football game he most looked forward to was against Arrrrrrrrrmy.

He got tickets to see the Arrrrrmy/Navy game once. He sat on the 50 yarrrrrrrd line.

What is a pirate's favorite drink? Rum, of course.

The pirate doesn't mix rum with Diet Coke, though. Know why? It has arrrrrrtificial sweeteners.

What kind of music do pirates like? Arrrrrr & B.

And the pirate's favorite Arrrrrr & B singer? Arrrrrrrrrrr Kelly.

Our pirate likes to tell jokes as well. He doesn't tell them very well, though. One joke he likes ends like this: "Arrrrrnge you glad I didn't say banana again?"

I will update throughout the day.


Your One Day for Pirate Puns leader.

He's Back, And He's Got A New Trick

We have a new family member. Her name is Claudette.



The Affiliate says she's a chinchilla, but I insist that it's a miniature giant space hamster. She's not too fond of us yet, but I think she'll grow to love us as much as The Hillock does.

Here's a video involving my hero and yours, Magical Trevor, dealing with chinchillas.



Of course, as I have mentioned before, chinchillas are actually crepuscular, not nocturnal as is said in the video.

Since I brought him up, get to know the full story of Magical Trevor at Weebls Stuff.

Another Snakes on a Plane moment.

More problems with religion.

I'm working at the Minnesota State Fair for much of the next week, so if you're down there in the evening, seek me out. I'll be the stunningly handsome guy in the light blue police uniform. Also, get yourself a Scotch Egg on a stick. I won't say you won't regret it, but man are they good.

Have a lovely weekend.

Your Parallel Dimension leader.

Baby Don't You Sign That Paper Tonight

I've been threatened with whiskey, which is a very strange threat. Except today, because I'm already feeling nauseous.

Another "Get Rich Quick" scheme is foiled. Still, eating glass may be more pleasant than playing the stock market right now.

I'm thinking that this group may deserve further study. I don't know why vampires are listed before zombies and werewolves though. Vamps are just one of those fake threats used to distract us from the real danger.

I got out to the Myth Nightclub to see Reel Big Fish last night. It was like a trip back to high school. I haven't been in a group of suburban teenage malcontents for quite some time, and it was fun. I don't know how a band that hasn't had any major airplay in 12 years still has fans, many of whom were 4 years old when "Sell Out" was a hit, but the new stuff they played was pretty good, so the kids must be hearing it somewhere. (As a side note, openers Streetlight Manifesto seriously rock.) Keep on skankin', kids.

Good joke.

An obvious answer to a stupid question. These stand-up comedy questions have started seeping into common culture, generally radio commercials. The problem is, many of them have legitimate answers. "Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?" for example. The answers aren't hard to figure out, but somehow they seem like clever questions. Mostly because many of us are too lazy to think about them for more than 3 seconds.

That should keep the whiskey away for a little while.

Your D-List leader.