Workin' My Way Back To You

Time flies when you're taking care of a baby.

The Spinoff and I have been having a wonderful time this past month-and-a-half that I've been home watching him. He certainly enjoys listening to Sirius/XM "60's on 6," the most when Daddy sings falsetto along with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. We've come to an agreement on napping, and that the Spinoff promises not to repeat to his mother any of the language he hears while watching "Deadwood" with Daddy.

I've been complaining about the bibs the Affiliate has been buying for him, though. It seems the inexpensive bibs that absorb spit-up the best also have to come with little writings like, "Jock," "Flirt," "Li'l Dude" and "Tough Guy." Quite frankly, not wanting to raise a dude-bro is high on my list of goals. I'd prefer an array of bibs with things like "Scientist," "Genius," "Li'l Scholar" and "Smart Guy," but nerd bibs are pretty expensive. Alas, his D&D onsie is the best I've been able to provide so far.

The video game world has been all atwitter about this post written by some guy who doesn't like that there are gay characters in video games. He feels that since he is a straight male, anything that doesn't interest him should be removed from his games. The game in question is "Dragon Age 2." I've written highly about the 1st game in the series, "Dragon Age: Origins" (Which also had possible homosexual relationships). I haven't played DA2 yet, because I have a baby at home and other games to finish first.

Anyway, one of the game's creators, David Gaider, responded with a defense of the game, saying that the relationship options in DA2 were for everyone, including, but not just, straight males. My favorite line was, "You can write it off as "political correctness" if you wish, but the truth is that privilege always lies with the majority." Simply seeing privilege of the majority discussed in such a forum was both surprising and refreshing. I'm sure Mr. "Straight Male Gamer" has never once noticed a lack of options for gay or female gamers who want to play characters closer to their real-life selves. Of course, for reasons I can't fathom, the increase in options to include others is often seen as the oppression of the majority.

I ask this, however - Why wouldn't a straight male gamer choose to play a homosexual character in a video game? I have no problem being an elven wizard from Denerim, three things which I am not in real life. I also wonder why the simple act of having a gay character make an advance on a straight player is seen as an affront. Apparently the player can say no, just like with any other in-game romance he or she decides not to pursue.

In the end, there are plenty of video games aimed at the young straight male demographic, with plenty of boobies thrown in so they can be sure to know they are really straight males. Please leave the adult games with intelligent stories and decisions to make to those of us who aren't scared of catching The Gay from a line of computer code.

Well, the Spinoff has awakened and is politely inquiring as to why he has not been fed yet. Until several months from now, when I post next.

Your Bottle leader.

That's Not My Name

Oh ... Hell ... Yeah!



I love that President Bartlet is narrating. Only excitement over the Vikings game is keeping me from salivating too much over the game. If they lose, Monday is going to suck.

Oh, and if you're the person in my local Netflix area who is watching Babylon 5; What do you think of the series? I'm finding it to be better than even "Battlestar Galactica." Also, I'm one disc behind you, and I'm watching each disc in pretty much one day, so if you could make sure you speed up your watching habits a bit, that would be great. Thanks in advance.

Worst doctor visit ever. In a related note, I know a guy who will sell you a $100,000 meteorite life insurance policy for $1 a month. Just think about it.

And how could I almost let the day end without realizing it's National Pie Day. Olivia Munn must be ecstatic.



Your "Who Dat Who Gon' Beat Dem Saints? We Dat Who Gon' Beat Dem Saints!" leader.

She's My Final Fantasy

A long overdue ode to female gamers who work at game stores.

Video Games - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

Thank you Parry. Olivia and Kevin, you rock! AOTS forever, bitches!

Secret Destroyers Hold You Up To The Flames

I didn't fill out an NCAA basketball bracket. This is because I don't follow college basketball and end up picking the local teams or the funniest team names. My Final Four ends up being Minnesota, Ball State, Gonzaga, and Morehead State. The fact that Ball State isn't even in the tournament this year wouldn't play into my picks at all.

So I cheered for the Gophers, and now I'm back to playing a villain in Fallout 3. I totally blew up a nuclear bomb that happened to be the hub for a small city. Mua ha ha HA!

In space, no one can hear you scream, "Hey! You're putting that together wrong!"

On a more somber note, , 3 cops were killed in Oakland. Let's keep them in our thoughts today. Oh, and if you want to make a Sarah Jane Olson joke in regards to this; fuck you.

Seriously.

Your Please Donate leader.

I Declare I Don't Care No More

Remember the "Red Ring Of Death?" It was an issue before I got my X-Box 360, and was supposedly cleared up. Except it wasn't, because I'm waiting for a shipping box so I can send in my game system to be repaired. Excuse me for a moment while I let this out ...

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I feel a little better now. Wait. I've got something coming on. Here, watch this video while I go I the other room.



(God-damn bullshit cocksucker shit fucker son of a BITCH mittens!)

All right, I'm back in the room.

Did I mention I'm getting sick? Again? I'm trying the herbal tea/whiskey remedy. Of course, I don't have any herbal tea, but that's not really the point.

Oh, and some more good news. According to this thing, I'm obese. Now, I'll admit I'm not the pinnacle of human physical perfection, but I've never thought I was obese. And quite frankly, any system that puts me in the same category as Louie Anderson should be seen as suspect.

Or maybe getting sick is a good thing.

Yes, I'm a bit edgy. What I need is a vacation. Luckily, I'm setting sail from the Port of Miami on Sunday.

Hopefully the whiskey will have kicked in by then.

Your No More Swears leader.

Awe ... wait for it ... Some!

Chill In The Air Cold As Steel Tonight

While this seems like a harmless prank, it is actually quite dangerous.



See, the problem here is that in the case of a real zombie apocalypse, people will ignore the signs warning of impending doom thanks to these not-so-merry pranksters. Also, the chance of Nazi zombies somehow crossing the ocean and menacing Texas is quite low. (Link via DAV,who I'd link to if he had updated within the last 3 months)

Instead, more people should check out this game, The Last Stand 2. To best of a Flash game's ability, it simulates the endless zombie hordes and the skills needed to defeat them. We're trying to get a 10 hour in-service training credit to play this at work, but we're having a hard time of it.

Your Prepared leader.

War. War Never Changes

(Yes, that is Ron Pearlman's voice)


Some people have a countdown to the election running on their desktop. Some crazier people have a countdown to a vacation they're taking 5 months from now. Not me.

My countdown is to the release of "Fallout 3." And it's now under 24 hours.

Some people say it's pathetic for a 29 year old man to be excited about a video game. And it is. But I don't care, because at midnight tonight, I will have a copy of the latest installment of the best RPG video game series ever.

The series takes place in a post-apocalyptic future, as might have been imagined in the 1950's. There are giant scorpions, mutated animals, mutant humans, ray-guns and a bunch of people living in fallout shelters. The games take the player through an adventure that starts with trying to save your shelter or villiage. The character explores the strange world that has popped up after the nuclear war, and with humor, drama and a good selection of guns uncovers a deeper mystery that needs to be solved. Solving this mystery usually involves investigation, character interaction, smarts, blowing things up and/or shooting people so full of holes that their skeletons are visible as they fall to the ground.

Did I mention the giant scorpions?

The "level up" system allows you to create any type of hero you like. There are no classes, and between skill selection and "perks" that give special abilities, the possibilites are endless.

Also, there are radioactive geckos and giant monster-lizards called deathclaws.

A while back, I called "Mass Effect" the best game I've ever played. If "Fallout 3" is done right, it will blow ME out of the water. If it keeps at all with the tone and style of the original 2 games, I don't think it can disappoint.

Some have suggested that "Falout 3" will be "Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" with guns. Well, "Oblivion" was a really good game. If "Fallout 3" is true to the series, it will be great. There will be character interaction, humor, and a strong storyline.

If there isn't, Bethesda can blow me.

Your Dogmeat leader.

*Update* Bethesda doesn't have to save it's mouthwash.

Happy Birthday To Me!

*Singing* This is my birthday song, it isn't very long. */singing* Yep. It's been 29 years. Here's to five more. (Just kidding.)

I'll first off renew my efforts to make Constitution Day, the real birthday of our nation, a national holiday (so I can get my birthday off). Here goes: The Declaration of Independence threw off the yoke of British rule (that, and the war). But our nation wasn't really born until the Constitution was ratified. So, really, Independence Day was the conception of our nation, while Constitution Day is the actual birthday.

OK. As a birthday gift, the Vikings have removed T-Jack from the starting QB position. I may have been the last T-Jack holdout, but the guy is awful. Frerotte isn't the answer, so they'll have to go out and find a real QB, but it's a step in the right direction. If things don't turn around, Childress should be next. The fact is, the Vikings were always going to be 0-2 at this point. The fact that they could have won both games shows they are close to being a winning team. Fire the coach now, and that's done. The QB position is the weak point on the team. See if a change works. If not, it's bye-bye Chilly.

Target Field is apparently the new home of the Minnesota Targets Twins. While I've never had a problem with the Target Center's name, noe the XCel Energy Center (which is actually a pretty good name), Couldn't we have called it Killebrew Field, Brought to You by Target or something similar? It would still be better than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

I've been playing Rock Band 2 pretty much non-stop since Monday. It took the World Tour from the first game, which could only be played multiplayer, and made it the whole game. You can, of course, still quickplay, but there's more fun for a single player to customize the band and play all different instruments while moving towards the goal of stardom. Also, all but 3 songs from the first game can be exported and played in RB2, so I didn't have to give up "Tom Sawyer," "Say It Ain't So" or "Won't Get Fooled Again." And you can erase any songs you don't want from RB1, so I'll never have to see "Green Grass and High Tides" again for as long as I live. Awesome!

Speaking of video games, T Hussein Mississippifarian points out studies showing what I already knew. Number 7 in the second link should be of particular interest to anti-video game elites like Spotty:

7. Video game play is socially isolating.
Much video game play is social.
Almost 60 percent of frequent gamers play with friends. Thirty-three percent
play with siblings and 25 percent play with spouses or parents. Even games
designed for single players are often played socially, with one person giving
advice to another holding a joystick. A growing number of games are designed for
multiple players — for either cooperative play in the same space or online play
with distributed players... In this way there are really two games taking place
simultaneously: one, the explicit conflict and combat on the screen; the other,
the implicit cooperation and comradeship between the players. Two players may be
fighting to death on screen and growing closer as friends off screen. Social
expectations are reaffirmed through the social contract governing play, even as
they are symbolically cast aside within the transgressive fantasies represented
onscreen.

So there you go.

I guess I'm being unfair to Spotty. He's from the generation who thought Pong was awesome. Which it is, but it's not the only awesome game there is.

Apparently there's a Birthday Extravaganza! planned for me this weekend. If I survive, I'll see you all soon.

Your Rock'n Me Baby leader.

To Leave You There By Yourself

The Affiliate is off to Munich for class. I am alone and the cat is mad at me. The chinchilla slept in his dust bath and refused to get out, even when I asked him nicely. I had to bribe him with a raisin. Nothing is going right, but luckily I have 4 days off this week to whip everyone into shape.

I went to my 10-Year High School Reunion on Saturday. The weird thing was, I didn't remember most of the people, but everyone knew me. I felt like Homer Simpson's description of celebrity: "People know your name, but you don't know theirs. It's great!"

I had fun and saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, so I'm glad I went. I even got some prestige from declaring that my wife was in Munich, and since she wouldn't have had much fun had she been here, everything worked out for the best.

Spore came out this week. I'm not sure if I'm going to buy it yet, especially since the laptop is in Germany. Also, Mercenaries is out Tuesday, Rock Band 2 next week and Fallout 3 in mid-October. The game world is looking good for a while.

I'll probably be getting the band together again this week, so let me know if and when you're available.

Your "I Alone" leader.

Until I Get My Vengance, I Will Never End This Mayhem

This will probably be my last post for a couple of weeks due to douchenozzles who think breaking windows and blowing up cars isn't violence.

Speaking of violence, I'm looking forward to this game. I don't normally like commercials, but every once in a while one tickles me. If you want to make me laugh, take a gangster rap style song and play it in a different style. For example:



In more serious news, I've intercepted a report from a clandestine lab:

On one hand, this could be incredibly scary, especially considering the cat I recently posted about. On the other hand, it is certainly possible that cats always want human flesh. In any case, keep your eyes open.

The DNC is in Denver, so of course in nearby Boulder:

And speaking of the DNC; Your music between speakers sucks. Royally blows. "Celebrate?" "Isn't She Lovely?" Now, the crowd seemed to be enjoying the songs (which made me incredibly sad), but let's spice it up a little. With the recent announcement that the Democratic Party is a "party of faith," maybe Stevie Wonder's "Superstitious" would be a good choice.

And CNN, explain the Noise from the Floor graphic and why it randomly goes up and down independent of the cheers and applause of the crowd. It's really annoying (unless you don't have HD, in which case you are spared).

Your Strained Segue leader.

I'm So Sad, I'm So Happy

I just learned that Snot is dead. Anyone who has been to a Renaissance Festival knows of Puke 'n' Snot. If you'd seen there routine once, you knew what it was about, but that didn't stop people from seeing them every year. This is too bad. May his body never rise up to crave the flesh of the living.

In happier news, I just read that the Rock Band equipment will work with Guitar Hero: World Tour. This is a sign of cooperation and respect between two rival game companies. Maybe there is hope for Georgia and Russia.

And finally, the dream of every right-wing radio nutjob:



Your One Less Bodily Function leader.

Code Monkey Like Tab And Mountain Dew

Our Katie (c. Spotty) continues her career as the Star Tribune's resident scold. This time, it's video games. Grand Theft Auto IV, to be exact.

Grand Theft Auto IV hit the stores last week like a tsunami, and is expected to become one of the biggest sellers in video game history. Commentators agree that the game, with its sophisticated graphics, sets a new standard for realistic violence and sex.

I wonder if these are the same commentators who claimed that “Mass Effect” had explicit man-on-alien sex.

The launch of a game like GTA IV -- labeled "M" for sale only to buyers 17 and over -- always seems to provoke the same debate. Critics charge that the game harms children, who can easily get their hands on it.

So, the game is “clearly labeled” for 17 and older, just like adult films. Where’s the problem?

Research confirms that violent media increase young people's aggressive thoughts and behavior and decrease their self-control and the inclination to help others. Adolescents who play violent video games tend to be more hostile, to argue more with teachers, to get into more physical fights, and to do more poorly in school, one national study reports.

Yes, one study. Most of my friends played violent video games growing up. We also respected our parents and were mostly non-violent. We also did well in school. We were raised well. The games had no effect. In fact, they gave us an outlet for violence. It was easier (and safer) for me to vicariously rip out Chris’ spinal cord playing “Mortal Combat” than it was to actually fight with him. Then we’d laugh and go kill a hooker have a frosty milkshake.

Video game representatives make two arguments when faced with such data. First, they insist that parents are the gatekeepers for their children's play. Sounds good, but ask any 15-year-old male if it's really true.

Kids always have gotten their hands on adult material. I saw "Interview With the Vampire" in a theater when I was 13. I've never killed anyone and then drank their blood for sustenance, not once. I also never grew my hair out to outrageous lengths.

Second, industry spokespeople downplay the youth problem's relevance, pointing to surveys that suggest that the average gamer is somewhere between the ages of 29 to 32. This is comforting?

Let's assume that's true. Is it supposed to be comforting that millions of grown men get their "entertainment" from pretending to blow away cops and hook up with prostitutes?

See, Katie has just granted a new premise, one that defeats her original argument about kids playing violent video games. So I guess the first half of this column is no longer relevant. Besides, didn’t most kids play “Cops and Robbers” when they were young? Doesn’t that involve pretending to shoot cops?

Anyone who has raised a child, or worked for a boss -- or looked honestly at his or her own shortcomings -- knows that we human beings have both good and bad instincts and impulses. We have the potential to be kind, generous and self-controlled, but we also can be selfish, power-hungry, violent and cruel.

Katie has told us that simply telling kids to say ‘no” is enough to stop the most base instinct, to have sex. Why not simply tell your kids not to kill cops? It’s worked for me. And what’s with the boss comment? I see a bad performance review in Katie’s future.

History amply illustrates humanity's dark side. In ancient Rome, crowds of thousands of people -- not too different from us -- cheered with frenzied blood lust as animals and human beings were torn to pieces.

So humans have craved violence since the beginning of time. What does Kersten think would happen if we removed all opportunity to view violence from Americans? Maybe we’d make our own violence. Video games give people a chance to take out their frustrations in a way that doesn’t lead to multiple life sentences.

In the 15th century, public executions took on a festival atmosphere as victims were disembowled or burned at the stake.

Katie like her executions nice and private, I guess. I'm guessing she decried the public hanging of Saddam Hussein somewhere, though.

Our own age has witnessed the horrors of genocide in Nazi Germany and Rwanda. These atrocities were not perpetrated by a handful of human monsters, but by thousands of ordinary people.

The Nazis were notorious video game players, as we all know. Rwanda has always been more of a “World of Warcraft” place, but that’s still violence, I guess.

Games like GTA IV stimulate and glamorize our dark impulses. They create a taste for the psychological thrill that can come from dominating and degrading others.

That’s a taste that Katie has already admitted exists in humanity. Claiming games create this impulse is simply ludicrous. Everyone knows it comes from evolution.

The hazards of violent games will only increase as new, more advanced technologies like the Wii system take hold. With Wii, for instance, you can go beyond punching buttons or manipulating a joystick -- you can act out a game physically.

I can punch another person without any game system whatsoever. I don't need a game to tell me to do it.

We all have a dark side

Especially this wizard teacher in Florida. (Not Kersten related, but the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time.)

Here's the deal. If parents can raise their kids right, they'll know that video games are fantasy, and killing people is wrong. If not, then people won't need video games to be violent. I'll continue to suggest that video games are a positive outlet for violent impulses that exist in all of humanity.

I'll give the last word to Peter Griffin of Family Guy:

"But I'll tell you what's not cool--killing strippers. Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside."

Your Ask Questions First, Shoot Later leader.

What's My Name?

Prof. Myers has an interesting post over at Pharyngula, with a great discussion in the comments.

I'll just say that I've been DiscordianStooge since 1997, when I read "Illuminatus!" and got an e-mail address. I posted under my real name for a while in college, but now people online wouldn't know my real name if I told them; they know me as DiscordianStooge (with or without a space, although without is proper), or sometimes DiscoStoo. (I've been called stool by swiftee, but sometimes I'm not sure if he means me or is responding to The Cucking Stool) That last aside is another example. I didn't know Spotty's real name until months after I met him in person.

I have created an online persona in DS. One that is quite similar to my real-life self, except funnier and better looking. Now I have professional concerns, but DiscordianStooge would exist whether or not that were the case.

Another intersting discussion running over here, but only if you know about the text-based computer games of the 80's and/or "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." The comments became an ethical discussion about releasing private e-mails, but I was mostly impressed that so many computer programming folk from 20 years ago were available to comment. Once a compter nerd, etc., I guess. I vaguely remember playing "Zork," as a kid. Well, watching others play it, which, if you've seen a text-based game, says a lot about my personality. The white house in a clearing. Grues. The Flathead Mountains. Ahh, good times. I tried to play the HHGG game a couple of years back, and I earned about 5 points. I was never very good at text-based games, I must say.

I watched the movie "Hot Fuzz" tonight. Top-notch, I must say. Simon Pegg is great, and I'm looking forward to seeing "Run, Fatboy, Run." Also, "Doctor Who" started its new season this weekend, much to my pleasant surprise. Between "MI-5," "Torchwood," "Robin Hood" starting next week and "Doctor Who," my TV viewing is nearly all BBC, all the time.

Your Extraneous "U" leader.

Just 5 Feet Tall And Sick Of Me

Woman sits on toilet for 2 years. This story is for Jeremy. As a humerous side note, the Sheriff in this case's name is Whipple.

In Minnesota, the winters are long and cold, and unlike some other cold places, there's not a lot to do. That's how this kid got the practice to become the best Guitar Hero player in the world.

Congratulations to Jenna Bush. I understand why she chose to get married in Texas. The Affiliate and I also decided we'd rather stay close to home rather than have an extravagant White House wedding.

Woman smuggles skeleton onto an airplane. She was fulfilling her brother's wish to be buried in Italy. Me, I'd like to be stuffed and put on the couch to keep away potential suitors from my widow and possibly my daughter, if I have one.

Especially if she is dating a guy like this.

Jumping off your roof into the pool is kind of cool. But, see, there's no pool there. So it's not cool at all. It's just stupid. Really, really stupid.

Not as stupid as not watching Midnight Spank on G4, however.



Don't let it open the bag.

Your Evil Butterfly leader.

I'm Not The Man They Think I Am At Home

Ah, Randy Moss, we still miss you. Sayeth Moss, "In my whole entire life of living 30 years, I've never put my hand on one woman, physically or in an angry manner." A car, on the other hand...

I'll be away for a while. I got myself an XBox 360, and Mass Effect.



It is perhaps the greatest video game I've ever played. Storywise, I don't think it can be beat. It's partly a "shooter," and that's not my type of game, but the interface is quite user friendly. The fact that BioWare has announced 2 sequels, and that they may continue based on the player's actions in the first game has me drooling.

So anyway, don't expect me to post much. I'll be busy saving the galaxy.

Again.

Your Commander Shepard Leader.

The Century Mark - (Or, Why'd It Take 2 Years?)

Post 100, in case you were wondering. That doesn't include all of the carefully crafted drafts that were abandoned because they just weren't good enough. (Oh, man how sad would that be if it were actually true?)

In honor of this ridiculously weak milestone, here's a link about the internet.

Now that I've made 100 posts, you may not hear from me for a while. i got a new computer game that is promising to take all of my free time. It's called "Medieval II: Total War."

I'll see you when I do.

Your Conquering Europe leader.

Bang on the Drum All Day

OK. I have 4 days off. If anyone wants to do something before Friday, let me know.

If I don't find something to do. I may spend 96 hours playing Civilization IV: Warlords. That would not be good for anyone, especially me.

Your Not that Bored leader.

Update: Mitch used the same song as in my title in an even more contentless post than mine today. I'd like to think we posted them at the exact same time.