Happy New Year, 2011

I've found it's much harder to type with a baby on your lap than a cat. Coupled with a just plain awful Vikings season, I haven't been blogging much. I'm sure that won't change, even when I'm staying home with The Spinoff.

On the other hand, the Internet is so full of mockable idiocy.

Like Jim Hoft, who says President Obama made up dead muslims in an attack on a christian church in Egypt. Of course, what Obama actually said was there were muslims who were "victims" of the attack. Which, since 8 muslims were injured, is true, unless Hoft thinks you have to be killed by a bomb to be a victim of it.

It takes 50 comments on Hoft's site before someone mentions that muslims may possibly have been injured, mostly because everyone is busy calling Obama a muslim, a terrorist sympathiser and a "towelhead" (which makes no sense because even if he were a secret muslim, everyone knows Obama was born in Kenya, and they aren't necessarily known for towel wearing). Of course pointing out the injured muslims makes no difference to the folks in the comment section, because to them all muslims are terrorists and it's good if they get hurt.

As we all know, Yahweh is awesome because if you believe in him, you don't have to be bothered with pesky stuff like facts and science, as this Facebook believer so aptly demonstrates.She says, "Fact- if the earth was 10 ft closer to the sun we would all burn up and if it was 10 ft further we would freeze to death... God is amazing!" (Note: Nothing in that quote is a fact) Someone responds, rather politely explaining how the Earth's orbit actually varies by quite a lot more than 10 feet on a regular basis. So the original poster thanks the guy for correcting her mistake, right? Not quite. Instead, she comes back with, "Okay thats cool and alll but dont ever comment on my status telling me that i am wrong everrrr again. I didnt ask you did i? Answer: NO" How dare someone try and correct her mistake! If she says god did something, then none of your liberal "scientific knowledge" and "facts" are needed, mister. Go back to your ivory tower!

I keep hearing right-wingers talk of anti-Christian bigotry that is rampant in America. If correcting statements that are just plain wrong is anti-Christian bigotry, then I can see where they're coming from.

And with that, I have a baby to feed. Good Night, reader.

Your Facts-Schmacts leader.

Do You Know How Lucky You Are?

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... We got him! (Again)

It's been a while since there's been zombie news, but this investigative story should have us all sighing in relief.

Unfortunately, that list doesn't take into account people in their 20's apparently being completely worthless. This seems inevitable. Adulthood has been moving later as our lifespans get longer. You couldn't wait for 25 to be an adult when your average lifespan was 28. I'm not saying this is a good thing, of course. This is partly parents allowing their kids to stay with them longer than maybe they should. Not to mention that there are a lot of people and not many jobs. I think it's high time we start moving folks to the moon.

Speaking of the moon, I'm curious if any muslims out there can tell me how one would determine when Ramadan starts if one was living on the moon, since determining the start relies on seeing the moon.

Apparently having a nationwide radio show is bad for free speech. Laura Schlessinger is upset people called her a racist for saying racist things, so she's quitting. She wants her "1st Amendment" rights back. Come January, Dr. Laura will be free to say whatever she wants. Hopefully, no media carries what she says. We wouldn't want her rights violated.

Your Say It Loud leader.

The Heat Was Hot and The Ground Was Dry

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! No word on whether Brett "Baby Cheesus" Favre will be playing this year. More on this developing story as it develops.

Someone who will be playing is Hussein Abdullah, who has a plan for Ramadan, since he is fasting during the day, which means he can't eat or drink, even water, during the day, even when practicing. When Bud Grant was coach, this was SOP for all players. Of course, back then, the players weren't downing massive amounts of diuretics to mask all of the steroids they weren't taking, so it wasn't as big of a deal.

The real question is whether Abdullah will be allowed to play against the Jets. After all, the New Meadowlands is only about 12 miles from lower Mahattan. Will New York conservatives allow a devout muslim to get that close to Ground Zero?

Your Waiting For The Season To Start leader.

These Are The Ways The World Will End

In case you aren't a Facebook friend, and you care, we're having a boy.

And apparently Mark Dayton won the MN DFL primary. Which proves once again that the DFL endorsement process doesn't really find the person most DFLers will vote for. Of course, winning the primary hasn't led to too many victories lately either, so Dayton's got his work cut out for him.

Of course, Tom Emmer probably thinks Relativity is a liberal plot, so he's got that going for him.

So, I ordered the CD "Trebuchet" by George Hrab. Hrab was pretty smart. He put the CD up on his "Geologic Podcast" for free, without track breaks. There's not much chance I would have bought the disc, but after hearing it on the podcast, I decided to buy it.

Anyway, I thought I'd share what is the greatest e-mail I've ever received from a commercial website.

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.
A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.
Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.
We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, August 10, 2010.
We hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. In commemoration, we have placed your picture on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Sigh...
We miss you already. We'll be right here at http://cdbaby.com/, patiently awaiting your return.

Awesome.

Anyway, check out the "Geologic Podcast." (It's not really about geology at all) Also check out "Trebuchet," which has some really good tunes on it.

I'll also take a moment to recomend the "Read It and Weep" podcast. It's a podcast about 3 guys who partake in the worst books, movies and TV and then rip the hell out of it. They made their bones on the "Twilight" series, but they do a good job on pretty much everything. It's really funny, even if you haven't read what they are critiquing.

On a side note, I started listen listening to "Read It and Weep" a few months ago. About 1 month ago, they started following me on Twitter, which was odd because I wasn't following them, nor had I contacted them in any way. Strange, this internet of ours.

Your Getting the House Ready leader.

Men Who Mean Just What They Say

Please hug a veteran today. Or buy them a beer. Yeah, buy them a beer instead.

Marty Beckerman scores again. The funny thing is, I've been reading his work for 10 years or so, and I never considered him a rabid right-winger. Sure, he was appearing on Fox News, but his writing always has held an undercurrent of obscene libertarianism, in the "I want to keep my money, but I want to spend it on drugs and hookers" sense of the word. His description of himself doesn't match what I've ever gotten from him, but I'm glad he's able to see how a person can change.

Sign him now!

Sean Hannity is a Twit.

Again, please let our veterans know they are appreciated. They keep us safe and give us the ability to enjoy things like the Vikings being 7-1 and running away with the NFC North division.

Your Fearless Men leader.

What So Proudly We Hail

Happy Independence Day!

Everyone enjoy your fireworks and hot dogs and samboussa. Please remember to say thanks to the people out there keeping you safe.

Of course, Sarah Palin has a load off of her shoulders this 4th of July. There are those who think she is gearing up for a presidential run. For her sake, I hope she's not. I mean, she's quitting in the middle of her term. If she were to be elected President, what's to say she wouldn't quit in 2014 to run for Prime Minister of the Innermost Planets Alliance (which will exist by then)?

My guess is she'll write a best-seller and fade into the private sector.

As for fireworks, just don't do this:



Fireworks and a guy getting hit in the crotch. How can you not love America?

Your Rockets' Red Glare leader.

Bitter Green, They Called Her (Top 11 Edition)

Damn you, Gordon Lightfoot. Your infectious folk stylings have taken over my brain and I can think of no one else's music when it comes to post titles.

Maturity in action. Yes, the Republican National Committee might decide to start refering to the Democratic Party as the "Democrat Socialist Party." Neener, neener, indeed.

I coming off a court win today, so I'm feeling a bit whimsical. So in the tradition of many, including these folks, I present:

The Top 11 Other Insulting Names the RNC Could Call The Democratic Party

11) The Democra Party
10) The Party of "Scrubs" - Starring Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalke and John C. McGinley
9) Poopyheads and Communists Party
8) The Permanent Majority Party
7) Nazi Party II
6) French
5) The Spicy Mustard Party
4) The Elite Party
3) The Intellectual Party
2) The OMG UR SO GHEY!!!!!!!!1111!111! Party

And the most insulting thing the RNC could call democrats:

1) The Republican Party

Eh, that's not so hard.

The RNC should be cautious. They may inadvertently give the actual Democratic Socialist Party majority status.

Your Guilty Plea leader.

We Couldn't Get Much Higher

There are things in this world I wish I had written. Poe's The Telltale Heart, Stephen King's Survivor Type. The entire run of "Sports Night" and Ike Reilly's first 2 albums come to mind. I'll add this to the list.

May Day was an interesting day for this story to come out. I just can't figure out how the NLRB doesn't come to this conclusion more often.

The Baby Jesus is back! (That's a Joe Mauer reference, in case you thought I'd gone mad.)

Good day to you all!

Your "Joey Cupcake" Is Also An Acceptable Nickname leader.

You Don't Have To Pray To A Little Tin God

God can't protect you from swine flu. This one's new. Apparently if you're sick, the RC Church doesn't want you coming around. Probably because you're a sinner and will infect the righteous. If you really believed, you wouldn't get sick, right?

At least Obama was able to start the flu to get his HHS Secretary confirmed. Why hasn't Michele Bachmann picked this up yet?

Because she's busy making a link (but not really) between the Obama swine flu and the Jimmy Carter Gerald Ford swine flu. (Oops.) And a link between pedophiles and gays. And changing the general make-up of Earth's atmosphere.

Michele Bachmann is a standard-bearer for the conservative movement. Still.

Here's someone making the north metro proud. (UPDATE: Link fixed) This is a favorite label of mine "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer. Fridley isn't in Bachmann's district, by the way.

IBM has apparently never heard of Skynet. A robot loaded with all human knowledge would be inherently dangerous. Add some lasers and a chain saw and we're all doomed.

Your "This Post For External Use Only" leader.

Try To See It Once My Way

I hope you had a happy President's Day. Maybe you caught a furniture sale or were simply happy to have an extra day where your stocks didn't go down.

Well, as much as I try to keep my personal life off of the internet, someone went and dug up this editorial I wrote a couple of years ago. Never say I don't stand by my words.

I haven't been blogging much. It's not like anything interesting has happened anyway.

The actual reason is I've been hypnotized by the comments at Minnesota Democrats Exposed. (I'd link,but even I have a limit to what I'll link to.) Michael Brodkorb who was once inexplicably the go-to for local media looking for political commentary from the right. I say inexplicably because he does little more than post MN Republican press releases. Now his site is simply host to about 8 right-wingnuts calling anyone from the left who dare share an opinion gay and posting links to gay erotica. If I'm looking for that, I read swiftee's blog.

Basically, reading the moronica that is MDE has left me saddened at what the internet has become. Even goatse didn't do that to me. (Interestingly, "goatse" is in the Firefox dictionary, so it didn't need spell-checking.) At the beginning of the year, I was going to go after Mitch's commenters, but they seem like the Algonquin Round Table after reading MDE, so I'll pass.

Anyway, I head off to the Carribbean in less than 2 weeks. Maybe I'll come back refreshed and verbose.

Your Saddened and Bored leader.

... And I Feel Fine

Have you ever been talking to some guy who says, "You know, this isn't PC to say, but ..." and you're thinking he's going to say something innocuous like "Why do black people like fried chicken and watermelon?" but instead he says, "I bet Barack Obama is going to wear Grillz and put spinners on the presidential limo and stock the White House with 40's and treat the cabinet like a street gang"? And then that guy insinuates someone else is racist?

Your What The Fuck? Over leader.

So This Ain't The End, I Saw You Again Today

I've been hearing a commercial on the radio about a company that, among other things, helps people save their e-mails to comply with government regulations, as well as protecting your e-mail. This wouldn't be interesting, except that the company is call Barracuda Networks.

Someone might want to look into the perfectly named company.

That's all. Back to Fallout.

Your Knee Deep In Super-Mutants leader.

If You Wanna Hang Out, You've Got To Take Her Out

It was crack. I'm glad that's cleared up. It made for an easy post title. I love that Dubay used the Randy Moss "someone borrowed my car and left the drugs in there" bit. Let this be a lesson to all. If your driver's license isn't up to snuff, don't carry drugs in your car. Also, never do a drug named after part of your own ass (c. Denis Leary).

Of course, since I'm writing from Fake America, my advice isn't really as good as others'. Here's a woman I assume is from real America, to let us know what's up.



"I can't imagine having a President of the United States being named Obama. I real have a problem with that." That's almost as bad as electing a Welshman!

A mother that was atheist? Oh! A father that was a Muslim. Oh oh! "That should get to everyone." At least she seemed to fear Muslims more than atheists. That's rare.

She says her husband knows the right way to vote. He certainly knows the right thing to tell her.

Thank you real America, for putting your views out in plain sight for us.

In closer real America news, Michele Bachmann made a "misstatement" when she called Barack Obama anti-American. Also, Chris Mathews laid a trap for her. Sure, he did. Why Obama would have called himself anti-American if he were lured into Mathews' dark "Hardball" lair. His cunning question of "Do you think Barack Obama is anti-American?" led Bachmann down a slippery slide into a poll of acidic juices that drowned her and digested her over time ... wait, that's not Chris Mathews, that's a pitcher plant.

Anyway, I wonder if Bachmann told Jason Lewis it was a misstatement when she was on his show on Monday, because Lewis says she was right on, and of course Obama is anti-American, and so are all liberals. In fact, anyone who disagrees with him is anti-American. Especially Colin Powell, that dirty liberal commie America hater (I'm paraphrasing). Good luck, Michele.

Speaking of Jason Lewis; The plague is back!

Officials said York was most likely exposed to the plague when he performed an autopsy on a mountain lion that had been infected and most likely killed by it.

First off, it's called a necropsy when done on an animal. I'm guessing the guy missed this news story from 2006. Pumas have been dying of plague for at least two years, and York maybe should have been a little more careful. So, if you've been playing around with dead cougars (the animal, not dead hot old ladies), get to the pharmacy.

On a side note, I referred to the animal in that story by 3 different names. I love puma concolor.

Your I Retract Everything I Just Said leader.

This Is Our Decision, To Live Fast And Die Young (Vikings 3-4)

Colin Powell endorses Barack obama? Are people wearing hats on their feet and hamburgers eating people? My favorite line is when he just admonishes Michelle Bachmann for this comedy bit.

The Vikings put up a valiant effort against the Bears at Soldier Field, but lost 48-41. Each team individually beat the Over-Bet on this game, and i figured the Vikes would lose by 20, so all in all it wasn't a disaster. I didn't listen to "Vikings Fan Line" to see how the callers blamed this game on Childress, so if you have any theories as to why Childress should be fired because of this game, let me know.

Speaking of Fan Line, I'm guessing Jeff Dubay wasn't hosting. The story doesn't say what the drug was, but in the comments it mentions Meth. Someone says it was 6 grams of Meth, but that would be 3rd degree possession, so I'm not sure I buy that, at least not the amount. I also saw "meth precursors" which means ephedrine or pseudoephedrine (e.g. Sudafed). (That could also mean red phosphorus, but I doubt it.) Too much cold/asthma medication? He was mysteriously gone earlier this year, and rehab is the official rumor. Maybe the speed is to supplement the weight loss program he's been hyping. And stop calling the guy "Puffy," for god's sake; it's driving him to drugs.

I'm guessing he'll be off the air for a while. May I suggest expanding The Common Man Progrum to 5 hours?

Your Wishing Him The Best leader.

What Goes On In the Other One's Head?

Whiskey drinker and notoriously Welsh guy DAV has picked up on my new game, before I even announced it. The game is to name the song that my post title comes from. Of course, not every title is a song lyric, but since most are, this should work. The game comes from a post from a while back that I never bothered to give the answers for, and my short lived attempt to identify the source of my titles. This is easier. Every post, answer in the comments. (If you listen to new "alternative" music, today's shouldn't be too hard)

I rode my bike down to the DMV to get my DL and my tabs renewed. The irony of this is not lost on me.

I just spent 15 minutes reading old posts of mine, looking for a specific link. Didn't find it, but damn do I find my old shit amusing.

I stumbled upon a free publication at Bobby & Steve's the other day. One headline touted the media refusal to cover Barack Obama's communist ties. The other headline touted the media refusal to cover John McCain's mob ties. I was intrigued.

After reading further, I thought USA Tomorrow made World Net Daily look like responsible journalism. (That was my money line) After checking the website, besides needing to purge my browser history, I also noticed that many of the articles were written by WND writers. (Damn them for ruining my joke!) Like this one, titled "Homosexodus! Students Flee Forced 'Gay' Agenda." Turns out that teachers can no longer discriminate against gay students in California. While I'm surprised that this law is new, I don't really think it's "mandated homosexual indoctrination" as the writer calls it. Points for the portmanteau "Homosexodus," though.

Then there's this article claiming women are destroying the military and the English language. I think. He took too long to get to the point in his nearly 2,500 word comment. Besides several sentence fragments that could have used some fixing, he seemed to use English perfectly well, despite women's assaults. But the article is called "Women and War," and not until 6 paragraphs in is war mentioned. Then he brings out the old complaints about how wives and mothers shouldn't fight wars. He seems to think Israel's military sucks, which is not an assertion I hear often. He also asks a question;

First, go to the movies. See “Midway.” See “We Were Soldiers,” or “Saving Private Ryan.” There are many others. Pick one. And consider that those movies are just a pale reflection of what war is really like. Then look at the women you know. Could you imagine the women you know doing that?

Some, yes. Same with the guys I know. I'd like Mr. Stang to tell a couple of my female partners that they couldn't do it to their faces, and see how that turns out for him.

Anyway, it goes on like that. I can't recommend that you read this site, but I'm not warning you until now, after I've put a few links in, not to, so that shows what kind of guy I am.

Yep. That would be an asshole who wants to see you suffer as much as I have tonight.

Your Who's Laughing Now? leader.

I Remember Throwin' Punches Around and Preachin' From My Chair

News Flash: John McCain is Against Protecting Kids from Sexual Predators.

What other reason does he have for attacking Obama on a bill that would protect kids from sexual predators? That's the ad I would run, but Obama spokesman Bill Burton had a decent response:

"It is shameful and downright perverse for the McCain campaign to use a bill that was written to protect young children from sexual predators as a recycled and discredited political attack against a father of two young girls - a position that his friend Mitt Romney also holds. Last week, John McCain told Time magazine he couldn't define what honor was. Now we know why."

As for the VP candidate, why is it when Obama suggests taxing oil companies, he's a socialist anti-American, but when Palin does it, there's no mention by the right? In fact, it sounds like he may have based his idea on hers.

Who knows what Palin thinks, when she can't tell the truth about anything. Of course she's getting good numbers. That's what happens when you say great things about yourself, no matter the truth of them.

Palin on the bridge to nowhere: "Thanks but no thanks." - It's easy to say "no thanks" when you no longer have any chance to get the money. Harder when you think the money is coming.

McCain on Palin selling the Governor's jet. "She sold it on eBay. And made a profit!" That one's completely true, except it didn't sell on eBay and she didn't make a profit.

Palin: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending." She could have saved them even more had she not taken extra pay to live at home. Yes it's legal. But seriously, is the salary of governor of Alaska so low that she can't afford to live in her own home?

I gained respect for Palin for her fight against corruption in Alaska, and that was after her nomination. Her own ethics charges keep going back and forth (The guy she wanted fired seems like he deserves it, but all of the testimony is biased). I hope she comes out clean on that. I still don't want her helping run the country.

This is why I don't write about politics much. While her statements may be technically true (She did put the airplane on eBay, after all), they are so misleading as to be totally worthless statements. I'm sure there's a list of these about the democratic ticket as well. In fact, here's one, just to be fair.

Oh, and as for all the talk about Obama raising my taxes, turns out it may not be true. According to this site, I would pay $791 more in taxes under McCain. The Affiliate and I would need to double our income and not have any kids to be better off under McCain. Taxwise, that is.

Your Discouraged leader.

Takin' What They're Givin'

The Catholic Church needs your money. They need to replace several bejeweled crosses and rings that were stolen.

Wait. This just in - The priceless relics were found - In a cardboard box in the closet. Well, the church still needs your money to get a new safe and more bejeweled crosses, just like the ones Jesus had.

In more important news, Wal-Mart might have to pay its workers *gasp* overtime. Well-known right-wing radio nut-job Jason Lewis decried the ruling. He mentioned a rape case in St. Paul, and complained that instead of stopping rape, the authorities are going after Wal-Mart for making workers skip breaks. Boo-hoo, he says. Well, Lewis fills in for someone who makes $50 million a year, so I can see that skipping a break for that kind of money might make sense.

Well, for one, the people who look into corporate lawsuits aren't going to be stopping rape. Also, Wal-Mart was mostly hit for making people work off the clock.

Also, she was asked to work before or after she was clocked in. When asked by one of the attorneys why, when she was asked to work off the clock, she did it, Simonson said: "When your boss tells you to do something, you do it."

Jason, you've often praised America for being one of the first countries to abolish slavery. What exactly do you call being forced to work without pay? I know that it's tough to work 3 hours a day. Imagine if when you filled in for Rush, Clear Channel also asked you to do your own show and didn't pay you extra. You wouldn't stand for it. Forcing people to work without pay under threat of losing your job is slavery, and apparently you're not as against slavery as you portray yourself to be.

Lewis hates unions, but this is what happened before unions came along, and it's starting again as union membership wanes. Who could possibly have seen this coming?

Your Good Day's Work For A Good Day's Pay leader.

Step We Gaily, On We Go

My bachelor party is tomorrow. Come one, come all to the Downtown of Big Time Minneapolis. There are a lot of strip clubs, so I might be hard to find.

This is going to be the theme song for the evening:



I've been told that hookers are not allowed, so this shouldn't be an issue for the evening.

I'm also hoping the zombie hordes stay away for the evening. If they don't I'll be sure to let these folks know what's up.

Wish me luck.

Your We'll Do It Live leader.

It's Too Painful To Imagine

Congrats to the Twins on taking 3 of 4 from the defending world champs.

Republicans voted for mothers before they voted against them. Of course, this was a BS procedural matter, but it brings to question why Congress is voting on such things anyway. I have an exclusive quote from candidate Generic Candidate (R-The 1950's) "If elected, I pledge to bring to Congress the fortitude to vote that kittens are cute, babies should not be used as a cheap food substitute, and sock-hops are a keen time!" I can't imagine why people hold an unfavorable view of our elected officials.

Yes, I am going to train to ride one of these. The story mentions the cost of the T-3s, but before you decry wasteful spending, know that all of the machines have been donated to the department.

In other police news, citizens ask that thieves be allowed to steal cars with impunity. Here's the deal - If you're a criminal, and you know the police can't pursue you, then you will run. It's that simple. I'll tell you what; if the police are forbidden to pursue a vehicle, then fleeing the police in a motor vehicle should become an automatic 25 year sentence. You'd better be damn sure we don't know who you are before you run. Otherwise, the risk of running is much less than the risk of arrest. When someone tries to flee in a car, we become curious as to exactly why. Could be a misdemeanor warrant; could be you just shot three people and have a dead hooker in the trunk. Maybe it's the job, but I tend to think the worst in such situations. And really, can't we for once blame the guy who ran when things go bad?

As for the title of today's post, I was faced with a hypothetical situation this weekend. First, some background:

#1. For an injury to be considered work-related, it must stem from a unique aspect of police work (kicking in doors, fighting with suspects, spilling hot coffee on oneself, etc.). Everyday activities don't count.
#2. An "Officer Needs Help" call means that shit is going down. It's not, "I'd like another car to assist me," it's "I'm fighting with 3 guys" or"Someone's shooting at me." Help means we drop what we're doing and drive as fast as we can until we arrive or are told that everything is OK.

Those 2 things considered, here's the question: If I am in the bathroom when a "Help" call come out, and I accidentally get my wang caught in my zipper while rushing to help, is that considered work related?

Perhaps a visual aid. (Not Safe For Work)



Your Frank and Beans leader.

Code Monkey Like Tab And Mountain Dew

Our Katie (c. Spotty) continues her career as the Star Tribune's resident scold. This time, it's video games. Grand Theft Auto IV, to be exact.

Grand Theft Auto IV hit the stores last week like a tsunami, and is expected to become one of the biggest sellers in video game history. Commentators agree that the game, with its sophisticated graphics, sets a new standard for realistic violence and sex.

I wonder if these are the same commentators who claimed that “Mass Effect” had explicit man-on-alien sex.

The launch of a game like GTA IV -- labeled "M" for sale only to buyers 17 and over -- always seems to provoke the same debate. Critics charge that the game harms children, who can easily get their hands on it.

So, the game is “clearly labeled” for 17 and older, just like adult films. Where’s the problem?

Research confirms that violent media increase young people's aggressive thoughts and behavior and decrease their self-control and the inclination to help others. Adolescents who play violent video games tend to be more hostile, to argue more with teachers, to get into more physical fights, and to do more poorly in school, one national study reports.

Yes, one study. Most of my friends played violent video games growing up. We also respected our parents and were mostly non-violent. We also did well in school. We were raised well. The games had no effect. In fact, they gave us an outlet for violence. It was easier (and safer) for me to vicariously rip out Chris’ spinal cord playing “Mortal Combat” than it was to actually fight with him. Then we’d laugh and go kill a hooker have a frosty milkshake.

Video game representatives make two arguments when faced with such data. First, they insist that parents are the gatekeepers for their children's play. Sounds good, but ask any 15-year-old male if it's really true.

Kids always have gotten their hands on adult material. I saw "Interview With the Vampire" in a theater when I was 13. I've never killed anyone and then drank their blood for sustenance, not once. I also never grew my hair out to outrageous lengths.

Second, industry spokespeople downplay the youth problem's relevance, pointing to surveys that suggest that the average gamer is somewhere between the ages of 29 to 32. This is comforting?

Let's assume that's true. Is it supposed to be comforting that millions of grown men get their "entertainment" from pretending to blow away cops and hook up with prostitutes?

See, Katie has just granted a new premise, one that defeats her original argument about kids playing violent video games. So I guess the first half of this column is no longer relevant. Besides, didn’t most kids play “Cops and Robbers” when they were young? Doesn’t that involve pretending to shoot cops?

Anyone who has raised a child, or worked for a boss -- or looked honestly at his or her own shortcomings -- knows that we human beings have both good and bad instincts and impulses. We have the potential to be kind, generous and self-controlled, but we also can be selfish, power-hungry, violent and cruel.

Katie has told us that simply telling kids to say ‘no” is enough to stop the most base instinct, to have sex. Why not simply tell your kids not to kill cops? It’s worked for me. And what’s with the boss comment? I see a bad performance review in Katie’s future.

History amply illustrates humanity's dark side. In ancient Rome, crowds of thousands of people -- not too different from us -- cheered with frenzied blood lust as animals and human beings were torn to pieces.

So humans have craved violence since the beginning of time. What does Kersten think would happen if we removed all opportunity to view violence from Americans? Maybe we’d make our own violence. Video games give people a chance to take out their frustrations in a way that doesn’t lead to multiple life sentences.

In the 15th century, public executions took on a festival atmosphere as victims were disembowled or burned at the stake.

Katie like her executions nice and private, I guess. I'm guessing she decried the public hanging of Saddam Hussein somewhere, though.

Our own age has witnessed the horrors of genocide in Nazi Germany and Rwanda. These atrocities were not perpetrated by a handful of human monsters, but by thousands of ordinary people.

The Nazis were notorious video game players, as we all know. Rwanda has always been more of a “World of Warcraft” place, but that’s still violence, I guess.

Games like GTA IV stimulate and glamorize our dark impulses. They create a taste for the psychological thrill that can come from dominating and degrading others.

That’s a taste that Katie has already admitted exists in humanity. Claiming games create this impulse is simply ludicrous. Everyone knows it comes from evolution.

The hazards of violent games will only increase as new, more advanced technologies like the Wii system take hold. With Wii, for instance, you can go beyond punching buttons or manipulating a joystick -- you can act out a game physically.

I can punch another person without any game system whatsoever. I don't need a game to tell me to do it.

We all have a dark side

Especially this wizard teacher in Florida. (Not Kersten related, but the dumbest thing I’ve heard in a long time.)

Here's the deal. If parents can raise their kids right, they'll know that video games are fantasy, and killing people is wrong. If not, then people won't need video games to be violent. I'll continue to suggest that video games are a positive outlet for violent impulses that exist in all of humanity.

I'll give the last word to Peter Griffin of Family Guy:

"But I'll tell you what's not cool--killing strippers. Strippers are people too; naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negotiate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no reason to kill them, 'cause most of them are already dead inside."

Your Ask Questions First, Shoot Later leader.