Thursday, December 31, 2009

And Never Brought To Mind

Good year everyone!

All right, let's get some sleep and do it again tomorrow!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry X-Mas!

Yes, I'm alive. And enjoying the snowfall in the MSP Metro area. White Christmas, indeed.

The best X-Mas song ever.



Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Men Who Mean Just What They Say

Please hug a veteran today. Or buy them a beer. Yeah, buy them a beer instead.

Marty Beckerman scores again. The funny thing is, I've been reading his work for 10 years or so, and I never considered him a rabid right-winger. Sure, he was appearing on Fox News, but his writing always has held an undercurrent of obscene libertarianism, in the "I want to keep my money, but I want to spend it on drugs and hookers" sense of the word. His description of himself doesn't match what I've ever gotten from him, but I'm glad he's able to see how a person can change.

Sign him now!

Sean Hannity is a Twit.

Again, please let our veterans know they are appreciated. They keep us safe and give us the ability to enjoy things like the Vikings being 7-1 and running away with the NFC North division.

Your Fearless Men leader.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

True, Nervous. Very, Very Dreadfully Nervous I Had Been And Am. But Why Will You Say That I Am Mad?

Hi. Happy Halloween! I hope you are scared but safe tonight. But if you think you might be a zombie, Savage Chickens has a quick test for you to take.

Here are some words to help you get in the mood of the evening.

The effect was that of a Cyclopian city of no architecture known to man or human imagination, with vast aggregations of night-black masonry embodying monstrous perversions of geometrical laws and attaining the most grotesque extremes of sinister bizarrerie. - H.P. Lovecraft
The fair girl went on her knees and bent over me, fairly gloating. There was a deliberate voluptuousness which was both thrilling and repulsive, and as she arched her neck she actually licked her lips like an animal... I could feel the soft, shivering touch of the lips on the supersensitive skin of my throat, and the hard dents of two sharp teeth, just touching and pausing there. - Jonathan Harker
I find evidences of its presence every day. I watched again all last night in the same cover, gun in hand, double-charged with buckshot. In the morning the fresh footprints were there, as before. Yet I would have sworn that I did not sleep — indeed, I hardly sleep at all. It is terrible, insupportable! If these amazing experiences are real I shall go mad; if they are fanciful I am mad already.- Ambrose Bierce
Something came; again, that's all I can say for sure. It may have been the fact that the mist only allowed us to glimpse things briefly, but I think it just as likely that there are certain things the brain disallows. There are things of such darkness and horror - just as, I suppose, there are things of great beauty - that they will not fit through the puny human doors of perception. - Stephen King
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted - nevermore!

Your Hiding In The Shadows bleed-er.

Friday, October 23, 2009

It's Been A Long Time

One whole month without posting.

That is all.

Your Where Am I? leader.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Form A Line To The Throne (Vikings 2-0)

I say play the playoff (if necessary) at Target Field. I also say the Twins should make it unnecessary.

Not much to mention from the Vikings game. It's weird to think that 92 yards rushing and a touchdown is disappointing, though.

(Closed Circuit to the Baseball Writers Association: Mauer for MVP!)

Can one of my lawyer readers answer this question: If you settle a lawsuit, and part of the settlement is that the defendant doesn't admit guilt, and the plaintiff's attorney then comes right out and says, "$200,000 sounds like an admission of misconduct to me," should the plaintiff's attorney forfeit all of his fee and be disbarred for breaking the agreement?

Maybe it's just me, but I think knowingly exposing someone to a deadly disease should be more than a misdemeanor.

A Florida man was arrested after killing his family. He said he wanted to kill himself, but that he wouldn't get into heaven if he committed suicide. Murdering 6 people doesn't bar you from heaven, but killing yourself afterward does? He also claims an evil spirit made him kill his family. I'm pretty sure that's a valid defense in Florida.

Muammar Qadaffi calls U.N. Security Council "Terrorism Council." Oddly, he then asked for a permanent seat for Libya.

Happy Birthday, Boss!

Your Looking For Overexposure leader.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It's Spanish For "The Vegas"

Kanye, even the president thinks you're a jackass. That's why these are funny.

Eddie Izzard for MP! (I'm guessing he'd join a long line of cross-dressing English politicians.)

And now I'm off to the City of Lights, Las Vegas.

(I'm being told that the City of Lights is Paris. I've been to Paris and Las Vegas. Las Vegas has way more lights. It also has Paris.) Can I be DK at a Pai Gow table by 6 o'clock? All signs point to "yes."

Your Double Down leader.

Monday, September 14, 2009

It Came Out Magical (Vikings 1-0)

So it took a Vikings game to pull me out from my not intentional blogging hiatus.

And what a game it was. Sure, the 1st half was a little sloppy, but Adrian Peterson will not be denied. I like what I'm seeing from the Vikes, and am looking forward to what they will do next week against the Lions. Speaking of whom, has any team gone 0-16 two seasons in a row?

Why haven't I been blogging? Well, I worked 14 out of 15 days in a row, most of it at the State Fair. The Fair is always a good time, though the Kid Rock concert brought out some rowdy folk.

Also, The Affiliate has been lonly without The Hillock, so we adopted 2 kittens.

That's Aristotle on the left and Joules on the right. We'll be bringing them home after our trip to Las Vegas.

A trip to celebrate my 30th birthday on Thursday.

OK, time to watch the season finale of "True Blood."

Your Really I'm Just Lazy leader.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I've Got Cat Class And I've Got Cat Style

So I'm sitting here as the fastest thunderstorm in history blows over, plotting out my spot on the Super Bowl parade route and missing The Hillock trying to steal my string cheese, and I come across a titter post from Marty Beckerman. It links to this story by Prof. Alan Dershowitz where SCJ Scalia makes the case that innocence is no reason not to execute somebody.
“This court has never held that the Constitution forbids the execution of a convicted defendant who has had a full and fair trial but is later able to convince a habeas court that he is ‘actually’ innocent. Quite to the contrary, we have repeatedly left that question unresolved, while expressing considerable doubt that any claim based on alleged ‘actual innocence’ is constitutionally cognizable.”
Dershowitz has good point:
Let us be clear precisely what this means. If a defendant were convicted, after a constitutionally unflawed trial, of murdering his wife, and then came to the Supreme Court with his very much alive wife at his side, and sought a new trial based on newly discovered evidence (namely that his wife was alive), these two justices would tell him, in effect: “Look, your wife may be alive as a matter of fact, but as a matter of constitutional law, she’s dead, and as for you, Mr. Innocent Defendant, you’re dead, too, since there is no constitutional right not to be executed merely because you’re innocent.”
Dershowitz also wonders how this affects Scalia's Catholicism. I'm waiting for Bill Donahue to call for Scalia being denied communion, although I'm not putting any money on it.

I'm more worried that a Supreme Court Justice thinks it's perfectly OK to execute innocent people under our Constition. Maybe, just maybe, that might be unreasonable seizure.

Of course, if that guy's wife was not alive, but had in fact come back as a zombie, then all bets are off. Of course, that study just tells us the obvious. That zombies must be wiped out immediately. I wish they'd paid me a bunch of cash to say that.

Your Cat Missing leader.

Monday, August 17, 2009

R.I.P. Vladamir (1994-2009)

Vladamir (Formerly known as "The Mountain That Walks;" aka "The Hillock") passed away this afternoon. Some pictures to remember him by:

He'd hate that I put this picture up.

Yes, cats can eat crab.

Of course, he's escaped from the horror that is Santa Cthulu.

Vladamir hated other animals, but he loved his people. And we loved him. May he now have all of the Skittles and Potato Chips he can eat.

Good night, sweet kitty.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

No Pill's Gonna Cure My Ill

I've had a cold for the past four days. It sucks. I'm high on cold meds and 3 glasses of scotch right now. Please forgive me.

Grammar and spelling are always important. This video demonstrates just how important they are. (Not Work Safe)


(via Millard Fillmore's Bathtub)

Of course, our insurance system has been a big discussion topic. I say insurance, not health care, because we're not talking about health care. We're talking about how to pay for health care.

Here's my question. If the government plan is going to be so awful, why is anyone worried about it taking over? If the public plan will be rationed and awful coverage, won't people stick with a private insurance company for a little more cash?

I've heard that 70-80% of people like their insurance plan. Of course they do, compared to the alternative. I have a plan that cost me little, and my VEBA plan more than covers my yearly deductible, not to mention that it carries over year to year. I have a good plan. I'd bet that given the choice between many private plans and what I have, people would take my plan. People are happy because they see what they're paying versus what it costs to get insurance without an employer chipping in, and anything is better than that.

And please get off of the "insuring lazy people" bullshit. When I was working full time as a security guard, I couldn't go to a doctor. The insurance I was offered was little more than catastrophic coverage. That was fine for me, a young, healthy single guy with no kids. At the pay we were getting, the cost for decent health coverage was astronomical. And that was for full time work.

A co-worker argued that the tax raises from the public plan would destroy retired people on a fixed income. Apparently he's never heard of premium increases, nor does he know how much an insurance plan without employer contributions actually costs for a 55-65 year old. My retired parents pay $400/month for their insurance, which is stellar. Well, that's their amount. My dad was a member of an evil union for his whole career, so he only pays 25% of the total. If you think $1600/month is in any regular retired person's budget, you're either rich or stupid.

And then there's the rationing argument. Leave aside the fact that health insurance companies do a perfectly fine job of rationing health care, care is also being rationed by price, as in the poor can't afford good health care. I'd also argue that giving everyone access doesn't mean that everyone will pound down the doors (except perhaps at the beginning, when people can finally afford to see a doctor for the first time. That will pass.). I've been sick for the last week. I didn't go to a doctor. Why do you think everyone else will?

And if you don't want the government getting between doctors and patients, you had better frackin' not be against medical marijuana. I'm looking at you, Governor Pawlenty.

I agree that our representatives in Congress should be willing to apply to the public option. That's the only way to know it's a great plan. But even if they don't, the wait for an MRI will be a lot shorter on the public plan than it will be for someone with no insurance at all. I suppose it's easy to argue against public insurance when you have a good job that provides a decent insurance plan. Or, lords forbid, are in a union.

Speaking of which ... Here's what the "conservative" movement thinks of union members, many of whom vote republican. How dare they expect a decent wage for their day's work? How dare they expect to be treated fairly? Why, if you're in a union, you are nothing but a lazy thug. Vote Republican!

Your *cough* *cough* *arrrack* leader.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

The Moth Don't Care If The Flame Is Real

Videos abound!

So, the President had Officer Crowley and Professor Gates over for beers, and all went well. Things could have been a lot worse. Or better.


I bought my Palm Pre despite the awful commercials.



Little did I know the depths of the evil I was getting into.



G4, as usual, came to the rescue. Things may not have worked out quite as planned.



And finally, to lighten the mood, a writing exercise brought to life. This is, indeed, a fast brown vulpine hopping over a slothful canine. Or something like that. (via Jeff)



Your Covering For Having No Content leader.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Disappointed Man, Where've You Been?

Ladies and Gentlemen ... we don't got him. I don't worry. They've got T-Ja ... Sage Rosenf ... John David Boo ... OK, they're screwed. At least they signed Antoine Winfield. Had the Vikings not signed him, he might have signed with Green Bay, Chicago or Det ... He might have signed with the Packers or the Bears.

Crack is whack.

Best Headline Ever: Snakes Escape From Man's Pants, Cause SUV To Crash

You're welcome.

Your QB Controversy leader.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

As I Was Walking Down The Street One Day

I'd like to take a moment to thank Jeff for completely destroying my evening by linking to (DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK) TV Tropes. I must tell you in no uncertain terms that clicking that link will destroy anything else you were planning to do today, and possibly the rest of the month. DO NOT CLICK the link unless you have 40-50 free hours to devote to reading about cliche and plot elements.

Jeff, I hope your next check to pay for your website gets so lost in the mail that you are never allowed to post your life-sucking linkage ever again.

(Sure, I could blame xkcd, but I'm pretty sure Randall Monroe could have me killed. Not that he ever would, but still.)

Your Out Of Time leader.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I'm Just A Soul Whose Intentions Are Good

I wasn't expecting a torrential downpour as I walked out of the club after working out tonight. (I'm down 15 lbs., by the way.) I guess it's a good thing. Although I saw several sprinklers working hard to water the grass while the rain poured. I'm not irked that much by sprinklers running in the rain. The water is being replenished at the same time. Now, sprinklers that somehow end up aimed directly into the street bug the hell out of me.

Centrum Silver has a new ad campaign for it's Men's vitamins. They are just a little sexist. I'm not talking women in tight clothing and sexist poses. The commercials are pointing out that the viamins are for "just for men." The two ads I've seen also suggest the following things are "just for men:" Golf, television, watches and steak or possibly hamburgers (that one was on the radio). Putting aside the fact that studies show multi-vitaimins don't work, and might actually be bad for you, can we stop pretending these are things that are only liked by men? I hate golf, my wife loves steak more than I do, and TV just a little less, and, the Chicago song notwithstanding, I'm pretty sure everyone likes to know what time it is.

There's a TV show suggestion I've been meaning to make. "Better Off Ted," on ABC. Despite the stupid name, it's a pretty funny show. Jay Harrington charismatically plays Ted, a good guy who is head of R&D at the cartoonishly evil company Veridian Dynamics. (Click the link. It's indicitive of the humor in the show.) His boss, played wonderfully by Portia de Rossi, is a strong businesswoman with no empathy or ability to interact with other people on a personal level. There are plenty of quirky characters, like the research scientists who seem to venerate Ted. The products created also lead to plenty of humor (A hair replacement product ends up making a desk grow hair). The company's poor treatment of the employees is also often played for laughs, although we're not talking Dilbert here. We're talking freezing people in cryogenic chambers.

The humor is similar to "Scrubs" without the fantasy sequences. There are only a few episodes left this summer, but it's worth checking out.

Of course, if you like vampires, "True Blood" is a superior product to "Twilight," and also on HBO, "Hung" looks pretty promising so far. And of course, "The State" is out on DVD in case you forgot to go buy it.

Finally, I watched the movie "Waiting ..." tonight. It was fine, but it gets extra points for having a character point at Dane Cook and call him the worst person ever.

Your Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood leader.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

And Sitting In The Chair Is You

Walter Cronkite, R.I.P. He was well before my time, but I've seen enough old news footage for him to be stamped in my memory.

Wisconsin is a crazy state. I'm guessing Cronkite never had to announce that someone crashed the Weinermobile into a house.

So that happened.

Even thieves think it's a good idea for you to lock your car
. Something is wrong in that story, though. If his music taste was so good, why leave the CDs behind?

If you're an uggo, stay out of Chicago.

That's enough midwestern weirdness for today.

As you may have seen to the right, I got a Palm Pre. As of today, I'm loving it. As I learn more things I can do with it, I assume I'll love it more. There's no special Blogger ap yet, but I'm hoping.

On the down side of technology, my car adapter for my iPod broke. It wasn't perfect, but I was able to listen to my iPod in the car pretty much everywhere. My new adapter, on the other hand, seems to only work regularly outside of the metro area. It makes no sense. The new one is the same brand as the old one. Isn't technology supposed to improve over time? I'd think that in two years the transmission would improve, not diminish. I'm not happy with Griffin.

Have a good weekend. Hopefully the weather feels more like July, instead of October.

Your "And That's The Way It Is" leader.

Monday, July 13, 2009

She's My Final Fantasy

A long overdue ode to female gamers who work at game stores.



Thank you Parry. Olivia and Kevin, you rock! AOTS forever, bitches!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

The Scene At the Graveyard, Just Three Of Us Were There

If you don't recognize sex screams, U R doin' it wrong. At least the headline didn't say they "beat the man off."

And now, sad news.

We hardly knew ye.

(Pic via Hardwick, whom you should follow on Twitter and watch on G4)

Of course, an unsuccessful run for president can be stressful, and Bacon's already clogged arteries just couldn't handle the pressure.

We'll always remember you, Bacon. Why not bacon up this website just one last time.

Your Maple Smoked leader.

Saturday, July 04, 2009

What So Proudly We Hail

Happy Independence Day!

Everyone enjoy your fireworks and hot dogs and samboussa. Please remember to say thanks to the people out there keeping you safe.

Of course, Sarah Palin has a load off of her shoulders this 4th of July. There are those who think she is gearing up for a presidential run. For her sake, I hope she's not. I mean, she's quitting in the middle of her term. If she were to be elected President, what's to say she wouldn't quit in 2014 to run for Prime Minister of the Innermost Planets Alliance (which will exist by then)?

My guess is she'll write a best-seller and fade into the private sector.

As for fireworks, just don't do this:



Fireworks and a guy getting hit in the crotch. How can you not love America?

Your Rockets' Red Glare leader.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Quick Note

A brief history, and present, of a game.

It's time for the U.S to get back at Brazil. (Yeah, right.)

*Update* The U.S played extremely well, but were unable to hold off Brazil. 3-2 final, but far better than I thought it would be. Looking forward to 2010!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

#4

Ladies and gentlemen ... Brett Favre ... we got 'im!

That is all.

Your Interceptions leader.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Oh, Shit, There's A Bear! Could You Hand Me That Shotgun, Buddy?

Yet another reason not to go to Ohio. It's crawling with bears. Or, at least, cardboard bear cutouts.



The Affiliate brought home a treat for dinner. Steak and crab legs on the grill make for a good meal. Now, as far as I can find, cats don't eat crab in the wild. You can't tell The Hillock that, though.


To be fair, cats don't eat Skittles in the wild either.

Who do you pray to when your saint is missing? Maybe they can call up a saint from Triple A until Anthony shows up.

Any movie about killing zombies is fine by me. If it has humor, that's even better. "Zombieland" looks to have plenty of both.

Your Put Down the Dead For Good leader.

Because I Have A Little Crush On Alison Haislip

As someone who doesn't love the "Twilight" series, this is pretty funny.



(She's the blond in the BC sweatshirt.)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Think They'll Know Where This Boy's Got To Go

Chicago was a smashing success. Well, except for being booked in two hotels over two nights and staying in neither of them. In fact, one hotel, The Inn of Chicago (Motto: We Don't Need, Nor Do We Want, Your Business), was overbooked on Saturday night. The Hotel Yorba this place was not. Maybe overbooking is common for hotels, but if so, you really need to be able to put your customers somewhere nearby.

(Do Not Attempt To Stay At This Hotel)

Again, it was Saturday night. We were a group of 12 with 4 rooms booked. It was 4:00 pm and we'd been drinking since 10 am. The first hour we sat and waited, we were assured we'd be getting a room at a nearby downtown hotel. After another hour we were told we'd have to stay near the airport. Which was not what 12 drunk people who were working on about 3 1/2 hours of sleep with 2 vehicles holding all of our gear a block away wanted to hear.

We ended up staying at the Hotel Sofitel near the airport. But not before 4 hours had passed and we got the Inn of Chicago (Motto: We're Poorly Run, Yet Surprisingly Expensive) to pay for our cabs to the new hotel and got our rooms paid for. We also drank much of the booze at the hotel bar on their dime, which was nice. But we were robbed of a fun night in downtown Chicago by the aggrevation. I wasn't involved in the booking, but I'm assured that those who were will not let this bullshit go.

On the other hand, the Twins won on Saturday. Wrigley Field is a wonderful place to watch baseball, and I recommend it no matter the Cubs' opponent. Our upper deck seats near the right field foul pole were still pretty good.
Kubel hit a home run literally out of the park right past us. It landed on the street outside of right field. Some kind passerby threw the ball back into the park, which I thought was quite nice.

That's a shot of Nick Punto on 1st Base. I figured it may be the last time I ever see it happen, so I took a picture. Actually, it was funny because my Brother ripped on Punto through the first 2 innings, and some Twins fans in front of us defended Punto. Punto then ripped a nice single, and didn't even slide headfirst. My Brother was crushed.

Anyway, some things I learned on my trip:
-Booking a hotel room is only a suggestion
-When the hotel gives you free drinks, it's time to go top shelf
-Chicago deep dish is highly overrated
-Cubs fans and Twins fans can both agree that the White Sox suck
-This is the coolest bar name ever

So, despite the hotel problems, we had a good time. I'm just pissed on principle. And I must say, I do love Chicago's train system.

Your Blue Line leader.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Sweet Zombie Jesus!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Futurama" is coming back. (via Hardwick)

This news is so great, I'm not going to make my obligatory joke about the impending change to DTV.

Your Kiss My Shiny Metal Ass leader.

Monday, June 08, 2009

I'm Through Humoring You

I'm watching the Twins attempt to beat Oakland as I type this, so there may be interruptions.

In Monty Pythonesque fashion, Minnesota has gone from winter, to a short spring then straight into autumn. I'm enjoying the cool temps, but a little summer would be nice come July at the folks' place.

They found the tail section of Flight 447. The story I linked doesn't say it, but a radio report said they are close to finding the "black boxes." The term black box is, of course, not literal. There is more than one flight recorder. Also, they aren't necessarily black. "Black box" is a catch all term, and really shouldn't be plural. It's either "flight recorders" or "black box." Of course, aviation professionals are more than welcome to call me an idiot on this.

It's been an expensive week for me. The Affiliate and I celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary by eating way too much steak at Manny's steak house. We got a free piece of Bailey's Irish Cream cake because we were celebrating, which was cool because we had Irish Cream cake at the wedding. When I say piece of cake, I'm not really capturing the size of the "piece" we got.

I'll also give praise to our server, Rhett. He was entertaining and assured the Affiliate that Lois the Lobster, who was brought to our table, would not be served as dinner that evening.

I also had to pick up the Affiliate's birthday present, since that's at the end of the month. I need to donate to her 3-Day Walk as well. And I'm headed to Chicago Friday to catch a couple of games at Wrigley Field.

Mauer gets a single to left! Rally time! Come on, Morneausie!

Here's a commercial with another guy I know in the entertainment business. He's covered in snakes! His name is Alex Holmes, and apparently he's going to be on something called "iCarly" on Saturday, if you're interested.

Not that TV appearances are that helpful. There was a storyline on "Scrubs" this last year involving Ted getting a girlfriend, played by Kate Miccuci. The two sang a song that I thought was very cute. I also had heard of "Garfunkel & Oates," a name that I found amusing. I had never seen any videos from them, though. Of course, it wasn't until today I learned that Miccuci is part of G&O, and the song in "Scrubs" was a modified version of their song, "Fuck You." (Video not safe for work, and if you didn't figure that out you need to quit using the internet right now.)



Double play. No rally.

Conservatives are easily grossed out
. Not that most people like maggots. Well, entomologists, maybe.

Twins lose. Again.

Your Busy leader.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

No More Building Up; It Is Time To Dissolve

The California Supreme Court upheld "Proposition 8," a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. While I whole-heartedly support gay marriage, the decision was legally correct. Opponents were in the undesirable position of arguing that the Constitution was itself unconstitutional. I'd imagine that the 18,000 or so marriages that were not annulled ex post facto, along with the increasing gay mariages in more progressive states like (wait, seriously?) Iowa, will show reasonable people that there's nothing to fear from gay marriage. Unreasonable folks, of course, will never be persuaded, because they're nuts.

Another city that didn't make the Top 10 Places To Live is Cleveland. The city has released a video to prove they deserve to be on the list. (NSFW)



There's a second video attempt as well
.

In a shocking twist, Joe Soucheray doesn't like Twitter. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

If you're bringing your 12 year-old son drinking with you so he can drive you home, you might want to take a look at your drinking.

ZOO!!!


Your Girebra leader.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Memorial Day 2009

Thank you to all of our armed service members, past and present.

Friday, May 22, 2009

It's The Time Of The Season For Loving

I've pulled the glass sliver from my foot, and I'm ready to go. (Actually, a co-worker pulled it out, for which I'm very greatful.) Things could always be worse. Please be very careful riding your bikes, and for Hastur's sake quit riding the wrong way down the street!

Everyone's talking about Boston PD using Twitter to tell people if there's a zombie invasion. I don't buy it. There's no need to create panic just because one cop got bitten by a zombie. In fact, it would be irresponsible to tell people about an isolated zombie attack, as it would cause a huge panic. Plus, Beth Israel in Boston has the antidote. I'm told I'm not supposed to talk about the antidote nothing at all. (Thanks to MnObserver for the link)

Anyway, Boston zombies would include some of the great minds of American history, so I wish the Boston PD luck.

I'm not sure what this video is supposed to mean, but the answer is, "Yes, I do like boobs a lot."

He's sorry he said it, but I'm sure he meant it. Metaphorically, of course. Politicians and cops are natural enemies forced to work together, like peanut butter and jelly.

The Twins don't seem to get the concept of the 9 inning game. You only need one more run that the other team. You can't carry over the other 18 runs into any other games. On the other hand, let Joe Mauer keep doing what he's doing.

And though I'm sure they don't need it from me, a quick link to The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, a fabulous podcast about science.

Your New Windows leader.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ich Wär So Gerne Millionär

Do you speak German? You could live in 7 of the Top 10 Best Places to Live. Here's the list:

1. Vienna
2. Zürich
3. Geneva
4. (tie) Vancouver, Canada
4. (tie) Auckland, New Zealand
6. Düsseldorf, Germany
7. Munich
8. Frankfurt
9. Bern, Switzerland
10. Sydney

Honolulu is the top rated U.S. city, at number 29.

Obviously cost of living isn't a big part of the rankings.

Of course, if I could get paid to lay in bed and drink coffee, maybe I'd be able to afford it.

And here's the reason Cincinatti wasn't in the top 10. Apparently city officials think a mannequin outside a BBQ join was just a little too sexy. Yes, the owners were forced to dress a hunk of plastic more conservatively. God bless America!

Your Blue Danube leader.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bitter Green, They Called Her (Top 11 Edition)

Damn you, Gordon Lightfoot. Your infectious folk stylings have taken over my brain and I can think of no one else's music when it comes to post titles.

Maturity in action. Yes, the Republican National Committee might decide to start refering to the Democratic Party as the "Democrat Socialist Party." Neener, neener, indeed.

I coming off a court win today, so I'm feeling a bit whimsical. So in the tradition of many, including these folks, I present:

The Top 11 Other Insulting Names the RNC Could Call The Democratic Party

11) The Democra Party
10) The Party of "Scrubs" - Starring Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Sarah Chalke and John C. McGinley
9) Poopyheads and Communists Party
8) The Permanent Majority Party
7) Nazi Party II
6) French
5) The Spicy Mustard Party
4) The Elite Party
3) The Intellectual Party
2) The OMG UR SO GHEY!!!!!!!!1111!111! Party

And the most insulting thing the RNC could call democrats:

1) The Republican Party

Eh, that's not so hard.

The RNC should be cautious. They may inadvertently give the actual Democratic Socialist Party majority status.

Your Guilty Plea leader.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I'm Stuck Here On The Ground, As Cold And Drunk As I Can Be

Today's post title was inspired by this and the fact that it's 4 AM and pouring outside.

You might have noticed my Twitter feed in the right column. If you've been reading it (and seriously, why?), you might have seen mention of "Ice Tea Guy." Let me explain. No, there is too much; let me sum up. Um, never mind, I'll explain the whole thing.

The other day, I showed The Affiliate this picture:


She looked confused. She didn't get it. I said, "Who's the guy in the picture?" She said, "That's the Iced Tea Guy, right?"

That is, of course, The Kool-Aid Man.

She then tried to backpedal. "I mean the Hi-C Guy." Still, wrong, of course, but at least she was guessing something name-brand. She finally figured it out. Give her some credit. She just got her MBA, and is allowed to not know things as useless as this.

I finally got to the point as to why this picture is, indeed, win. Kool-Aid Man is well known for breaking through walls and yelling, "OH, YEAH!". Someone found an actual broken wall and had the presence of mind to put up this picture and photograph it. Whomever you are, I salute you!

Anyway, I've decided that Iced Tea Guy would not break through walls. Instead, he would come calmly through the door, and yell his catchphrase, "INDEED!" And that's Iced Tea Guy.

So that's some time you won't get back. Time lost. And every second lost brings us all closer to the coming zombie apocalypse. (You just got segued!)

The Chicago Tribune seems to be taking it lightly
. (Link via a Norwegian) If you want serious coverage, stick with me. Or with these guys. Unfortunately, the Zombie Attack Preparedness Team shares it's initials with Zombies Are People Too (No link, because they're not). The good Z.A.P.T. (that's the zombie fighting one) was featured on an interesting G4 TV show and looked like they really had the goods. And guns.

Oh, I almost forgot. Iced Tea Guy has a sidekick named Lemonade Dude.

A legitimate update to a story that baffled and amused me while back. They caught the gorilla head bandits! Once again, idiots were brought down by the massive secret police operation that is YouTube.

Did I say massive secret police organization? I meant colossal clandestine constabulary cabal. (I didn't originally mean for that to be alliterative; it just happened.) (Also, that four word phrase has never appeared on the internet before today.)

Your Early Morning Rain leader.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

We Couldn't Get Much Higher

There are things in this world I wish I had written. Poe's The Telltale Heart, Stephen King's Survivor Type. The entire run of "Sports Night" and Ike Reilly's first 2 albums come to mind. I'll add this to the list.

May Day was an interesting day for this story to come out. I just can't figure out how the NLRB doesn't come to this conclusion more often.

The Baby Jesus is back! (That's a Joe Mauer reference, in case you thought I'd gone mad.)

Good day to you all!

Your "Joey Cupcake" Is Also An Acceptable Nickname leader.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Congratulations!

WAY TO GO DANIELLE!!!!!!!!!!

I love you and am very proud of you.

This is a cat video just for you.



I IZ A SNAKE!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Now It's Time To Say What I Forgot To Say

Worried you might have swine flu? Click here to find out. (via The Affiliate)

And they've found Patient Zero. (via Norwegianity)

MN Senate approves medical marijuana
. This is a good thing. Of course, Gov. Pawlenty (R) will veto this. Note the "R." The party that is so afraid of the government getting involved in medical decisions vis-a-vis single-payer health care has no problem telling doctors what they can and can't prescribe right now.

Girl beats back muggers with baton. Hey, Flash, is this normal marching band training?

Cecil answers the hard hitting questions of our time, like, "Are women's breasts getting bigger?"

Your I Certainly Hope So leader.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You Don't Have To Pray To A Little Tin God

God can't protect you from swine flu. This one's new. Apparently if you're sick, the RC Church doesn't want you coming around. Probably because you're a sinner and will infect the righteous. If you really believed, you wouldn't get sick, right?

At least Obama was able to start the flu to get his HHS Secretary confirmed. Why hasn't Michele Bachmann picked this up yet?

Because she's busy making a link (but not really) between the Obama swine flu and the Jimmy Carter Gerald Ford swine flu. (Oops.) And a link between pedophiles and gays. And changing the general make-up of Earth's atmosphere.

Michele Bachmann is a standard-bearer for the conservative movement
. Still.

Here's someone making the north metro proud. (UPDATE: Link fixed) This is a favorite label of mine "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer. Fridley isn't in Bachmann's district, by the way.

IBM has apparently never heard of Skynet. A robot loaded with all human knowledge would be inherently dangerous. Add some lasers and a chain saw and we're all doomed.

Your "This Post For External Use Only" leader.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Drummer Wanted, Call ...

I just finished a solid Rock Band party, and I've been drinking heavily. I will say I dominated "Electric Version" by The New Pornographers on drums, and "Time We Had" by The Mother Hips on vocals, on which I earned Gold Stars. Anyway, to the point of the post.

There's a band called Goldfinger. They were a top-notch ska-punk band back in the 90's, came out with a few more rock than ska albums, then suddenly went downhill about the time the lead singer went vegetarian. Anyway, their debut album included on of the band members making a prank phone call in response to an ad in the local newspaper. It went a little something like this ...



Your "Dude ... Fuck That!" leader

Friday, April 17, 2009

Which One Will You Skate Away On?

Spring is here!

I checked my paycheck today, and clearly the Tea Parties worked. I couldn't find that massive Obama tax increase anywhere.

If you're having a bad day, this site will make you feel better. There's nothing like reading about the misfortune of others. Schadenfreude, you say? Man, those Germans have a word for everything. (c. Homer Simpson.)

If you're looking for the funny, look no further than Teknikal Diffikulties. Spelling aside, this is simply exquisite. Cayenne Chris Conroy manages to put together weekly old-time radio style comedy shows by himself. He writes, performs and produces the whole thing. His is a dry wit, and nerdy as hell, but it's funny. Go back and check out "The Account," a serial show about a journey through what he calls "The Waking World," a world where the familiar is mixed in with the fantastic. I'm still slogging through the extensive archives, and loving every minute of it. Hell, even the guy's updates are entertaining.

Michigan mayor demands ticket. The guy got a warning for 45 in a 40 MPH zone. He demanded a ticket to avoid favoritism. That's pretty cool. If I were him, I'd take it to court just for the irony.

Finally, there's "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." I was going to just try and ignore this, but someone just wouldn't let me. Seriously, I know nothing about literature, so I can't even fake my way through a joke here. Zombies are bad. That is all.

Your Lost For Words leader.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Dave Arneson 1947-2009

He died today of cancer. He seemed to be the catalyst that changed a historical war game into a fantasy war game. He also had to fight for the recognition he deserved.

Nerds mourn again today.

Your D12 leader.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I've Been Taken For Lost And Gone And Unknown

A quick salute to the crew that took back a ship captured by pirates. Let them all know that Americans are not targets. Now let's get the captain back.

Entertainment Weekly
recently listed their top 20 heroes and villains from film. James Bond topped the heroes list, and while he'd certainly top my Top 20 Ids list, I'm OK with him as top hero. It was the villain list that bothered me.

The Wicked Witch of the West was number 1. Really? Let's make a list. Pro - Flying monkies. Con - Defeated by the most abundant substance on Earth. I mean, sure, she's evil and all, but The Terminator can take a direct hit from a rocket launcher. The Witch can't even take a shower.

Darth Vader came in number 2. I'm with that. He chokes people with his mind. Yeah, Episode 3 made him look like a bit of a pansy, but there will never be a Broadway musical about how Vader was simply misunderstood and was really the good guy.

Of course, my pick for #1 villain in film is The Devil. The Exorcist. The Omen. Rosemary's Baby. The Devil Wears Prada. OK, that last one's not right, but Old Scratch is a far superior bad guy than most. To paraphrase Homer Simpson, Satan is my favorite fictional character.

Your Top 5 Track leader.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Officer Down

Three cops are dead in Pittsburgh. The shooter was reportedly afraid Obama was going to take his guns. Why would he possibly think that? His friends described him as "a young man who thought the Obama administration would ban guns." Wow. Usually they go with, "He was quiet. Seemed like a nice guy."

At least he wasn't able to kill himself like most of these cowards. Of course, he'll probably use the "Obama Derangement" defense and get off. Any conservative on the jury would vote to acquit a guy defending his guns, right?

Friday, April 03, 2009

Put The Fake Goatee On

So last night The Hillock threw up all of his food and then started wobbling around the kitchen. After he walked into the wall, we realized he was having a bigger problem, so we gave him something to eat. For the first time ever, he wouldn't eat. Then he fell down.

After a quick consultation with Dr. SIL, we rushed him to an emergency all-night vet. (I wanted to just give him Skittles, but she said no.) He peed on The Affiliate on the way there. It turns out his blood sugar was 33. At around 30 seizures and coma set in.

Well, the doctors got his sugar up, and wanted him to stay all night. We love The Hillock, but $1,000 is a lot to spend on an old diabetic cat. We decided to take the chance bringing him home and keeping an eye on him.

I had to feed him every 1/2 hour. For the first time in a while, he didn't eat every scrap of food put out for him and beg for more. I think even he was saying, "Seriously, I'm not hungry anymore." But he made it through the night.

The vet today said he'll be fine, and has been getting too much insulin. He was actually feistier than he's been in a while when I picked him up.

Anyway, we discovered that limit of what we'll pay to save our pet. At least one as old and sick as The Hillock. But I don't think it will be an issue for a while.

In other news ...

Have you ever seen anything this horrific? Well, it may look worse than this guy, but I fear the bee much more.

This is something.

This is not.

And it is not November ... yet.

Your Nothing leader.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Friday, March 27, 2009

I'm In Love With Someone That Doesn't Exist

So, after I found out I was obese, I started working out more. My biggest problem with working out has always been boredom. I can't just run for 30 minutes with nothing going on. Even music doesn't do it for me. So luckily I found some podcasts to help me out.

The best is 7 Corners Podcast. It's done by some local service employees (They work at Bullwinkle's and The Corner Bar, thus the 7 Corners name) and a stand-up comic, one of whom is a friend of a co-worker of mine. The premise is simple; 3 or 4 guys sit around drinking and talking about stuff. It's pretty damn funny. The most recent episode involved lying as a party game, Ron Jeremy and the names of strange sex positions (which was also the subject of this week's "How I Met Your Mother"). Their standard fallback is the **DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK!!!!** chocolate waffle. (I told you not to click it.) Anyway, it's a good time, and if the chocolate waffle didn't make you run screaming, I'd check out the show.

I've also been listening to the Savage Lovecast, and the local Atheist Talk radio show. The Lovecast is no "Loveline" in Adam Carolla's day, but it's better than Dr. Joy Browne. So far, the Atheist Talk has had good topics, but I can see it being hit-or-miss.

Anyway, I really just wanted to give Tommy's podcast a plug. And I did.

Back to The Pitt.

Your Hanging Corn Screamer leader.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Secret Destroyers Hold You Up To The Flames

I didn't fill out an NCAA basketball bracket. This is because I don't follow college basketball and end up picking the local teams or the funniest team names. My Final Four ends up being Minnesota, Ball State, Gonzaga, and Morehead State. The fact that Ball State isn't even in the tournament this year wouldn't play into my picks at all.

So I cheered for the Gophers, and now I'm back to playing a villain in Fallout 3. I totally blew up a nuclear bomb that happened to be the hub for a small city. Mua ha ha HA!

In space, no one can hear you scream, "Hey! You're putting that together wrong!"

On a more somber note, , 3 cops were killed in Oakland. Let's keep them in our thoughts today. Oh, and if you want to make a Sarah Jane Olson joke in regards to this; fuck you.

Seriously.

Your Please Donate leader.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I Don't Have Any Messages

This video is because the weather is great and I have a few days off.



On a side note, I have it on good authority that you should not let Jonathan Coulton take care of your cats.

Your Beautiful Day leader.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Ron Silver R.I.P. (1946-2009)

He died of cancer. I didn't know he had cancer.

Apparently he went from political Lefty to Centery. Which is interesting, because I best knew him as Bruno Gianelli on "The West Wing," where he went from supporting the liberal democrat in one election to supporting the liberal republican in the next.

I don't know a lot of his work, but I was a fan of his work on "Wing," and that means a lot in my book.

Here's a great quote from Bruno Gianelli (probably written by Aaron Sorkin):
... I'm tired of working for candidates who make me think that I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam! I'm tired of getting them elected! We all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said, "'Liberal' means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to!" And instead of saying, "Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave It To Beaver trip back to the Fifties...!", we cowered in the corner, and said, "Please. Don't. Hurt. Me." No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh? What do you say?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Next To This Mole See The Gaping Hole

UPDATE: Gophers get 10 seed in the East. Way to go, Tubby!

Mischke's back!

Sure, it's a web-stream, but hopefully soon it'll be podcasted so I can download it and listen at work.

Between Dan Savage and now Mischke, City Pages is keeping life interesting. I can forgive losing Tom Tomorrow for now.

Today is just beautiful. I actually opened the windows because I was hot. Awesome.

Not so awesome. First off, if you're contractually obligated to pay a bonus, doesn't that make it just a salary? Secondly, are 400 people really going to jump ship in this economy because they didn't get a bonus? How do you find a new job? "Yes, I caused my last company to be bought out by the U.S. government, and then I left because they didn't reward me for destroying the company. I'm looking for $2.5 million a year and guaranteed bonuses." Finally, if these are the best out there, how does any business survive? Maybe AIG should look into people at businesses that didn't die to replace these folks.

I haven't decided how I feel about this group. I may have to pop in and see just how serious they are. A zombie apocalypse plan for the U of M is a good idea, but it had better be solid.

Go Gophers.

Your On The Bubble leader.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Don't Know What It's About, But It's Good To Go

So, first my X-Box died. Then my laptop went dark. Both of those situations have been resolved. But tonight, as I was stopped at a red light in my squad car, something else happened.

See, we have cameras in our cars. And there are microphones we wear so there's sound when we're outside of the car on a traffic stop. The mic looks like a large pager. It sits in a battery charger next to the passenger seat.

Well, as I was stopped at the light, I heard a loud pop, and the next thing I saw was something on fire in the passenger seat. The microphone had fucking exploded! Which isn't good. Luckily the burning battery was sitting on my clipboard, so I was able to get it outside of the car and stomp the fire out. Also, luckily, there was no one in the passenger seat.

My point here is that I think electronics are out to get me. Or maybe I'm developing the superpower ability to manipulate electricity, like Black Lightning or Kristen Bell, and I just need to learn to control it. You know, I used to call Chris Walsh "Caucasian Lightning," but I think I could take up that moniker. Or, if the burning battery gave me abilities, I could be Ni-Cad Man.

Actually, now that I think of it, sitting next to a burning battery probably was not the best thing for me. Unless it actually did give me powers.

Fingers crossed!

Your More Powerful Than Superman, Batman, Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk Put Together leader.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Under the Sea

Well, I'm back from my cruise. While the weather wasn't perfect, it was better than in Minnesota, so I can't complain.

The last night was the only one that wasn't cloudy, so here's a beautiful Caribbean sunset and two Minnesotans who hadn't seen the sun in 5 months. (Yes, I'm wearing a festive shirt. Deal with it.)

I got The Affiliate an underwater camera for X-mas. This is what it can do.


Which was really cool, because after a day snorkling like any old chump, we got to go scuba diving.
That's me breathing underwater! Like Aquaman, but less lame.

"I just saw a fish this big!"

This guy wasn't interested in a photo ...


but this couple posed quickly for me.


Seriously, with friends like these ...


yeah, I'm not going to finish that one. (Sure I am - Who needs anemones?)

The highlight of the dive (and possibly of the trip) was the swim-by of this turtle, whom I named Señor Tortuga.


He was simply defending his 'hood coral.



Seriously, we're breathing underwater! How fucking cool is that? Apparently in the U.S. you have to have "certification" and "training" to scuba dive. Not in St. Maarten/Martin. We came out OK, so it turned out to be a great day.

I'll have some more when I figure out which pics are from where.

Your Fun in the Sun leader.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Time Has Come Today

OK. No X-Box, and time off work, and possible delirium from fever = Posting!

Clearly, this was never in question, but it's always nice to have things confirmed in an obviously scientifically correct online poll.

Your morality is 0% in line with that of the bible.

Damn you heathen! Your book learnin' has done warped your mind. You shall not be invited next time I sacrifice a goat.

Do You Have Biblical Morals?
Take More Quizzes


(via PZ)

It was once that students would gather together to protest injustice with aplomb and zeal. They were willing to give up everything for what they thought was right. Yeah, things have changed.
(Thanks to Marty for the link)

"We need to collectively decide how to proceed." I'm pretty sure the administration already "collectively decided" to end your bullshit.
"Excuse me, you can't come in here." Well, that worked.
"You are on camera. You may not detain us." What does that even mean? You'll be detained if you need to be, camera or no.
"As long as they don't have devices of force." Lucky kid. This guy would have pissed himself if there was a gun in the room.

This isn't revolution. This is kids with too much time on their hands and no understanding of the real world. These punks aren't willing to give up anything. Their number one demand was amnesty for their little protest. People used to be willing to go to jail for their beliefs. Not any more, apparently.

I actually like the tough guys calling people "snakes" and "rats." I wish one of them have tried to show the security guard what people do to "fucking snakes." The camera man would probably have started crying because there was "non-peaceful activity." Also the little anarcho-wannabe tough guy would have gotten his dreadlocks torn out. Seriously, they are lucky NYPD wasn't called in.

I know some leftist revolutionary types. They aren't scared of "devices of force." They wouldn't try to politely discuss issues. I can have respect for someone willing to fight for their cause and take the consequences. These dumb-asses at NYU are an embarrassment to their school and to revolutionaries everywhere.

To quote Bart Simpson; "We another Vietnam to thin out their ranks." And to get some real protests.

Your Show Some Backbone leader.

P.S. I saw some video of the beginning of the sit-in, and, oh, Christ, they're playing "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show. If I ever meet an NYU student, I'm punching him or her right in the face.

I Declare I Don't Care No More

Remember the "Red Ring Of Death?" It was an issue before I got my X-Box 360, and was supposedly cleared up. Except it wasn't, because I'm waiting for a shipping box so I can send in my game system to be repaired. Excuse me for a moment while I let this out ...

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, I feel a little better now. Wait. I've got something coming on. Here, watch this video while I go I the other room.



(God-damn bullshit cocksucker shit fucker son of a BITCH mittens!)

All right, I'm back in the room.

Did I mention I'm getting sick? Again? I'm trying the herbal tea/whiskey remedy. Of course, I don't have any herbal tea, but that's not really the point.

Oh, and some more good news. According to this thing, I'm obese. Now, I'll admit I'm not the pinnacle of human physical perfection, but I've never thought I was obese. And quite frankly, any system that puts me in the same category as Louie Anderson should be seen as suspect.

Or maybe getting sick is a good thing.

Yes, I'm a bit edgy. What I need is a vacation. Luckily, I'm setting sail from the Port of Miami on Sunday.

Hopefully the whiskey will have kicked in by then.

Your No More Swears leader.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Try To See It Once My Way

I hope you had a happy President's Day. Maybe you caught a furniture sale or were simply happy to have an extra day where your stocks didn't go down.

Well, as much as I try to keep my personal life off of the internet, someone went and dug up this editorial I wrote a couple of years ago. Never say I don't stand by my words.

I haven't been blogging much. It's not like anything interesting has happened anyway.

The actual reason is I've been hypnotized by the comments at Minnesota Democrats Exposed. (I'd link,but even I have a limit to what I'll link to.) Michael Brodkorb who was once inexplicably the go-to for local media looking for political commentary from the right. I say inexplicably because he does little more than post MN Republican press releases. Now his site is simply host to about 8 right-wingnuts calling anyone from the left who dare share an opinion gay and posting links to gay erotica. If I'm looking for that, I read swiftee's blog.

Basically, reading the moronica that is MDE has left me saddened at what the internet has become. Even goatse didn't do that to me. (Interestingly, "goatse" is in the Firefox dictionary, so it didn't need spell-checking.) At the beginning of the year, I was going to go after Mitch's commenters, but they seem like the Algonquin Round Table after reading MDE, so I'll pass.

Anyway, I head off to the Carribbean in less than 2 weeks. Maybe I'll come back refreshed and verbose.

Your Saddened and Bored leader.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Love, Love, Love

This is what today's all about.



Happy Valentine's Day.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Chill In The Air Cold As Steel Tonight

While this seems like a harmless prank, it is actually quite dangerous.



See, the problem here is that in the case of a real zombie apocalypse, people will ignore the signs warning of impending doom thanks to these not-so-merry pranksters. Also, the chance of Nazi zombies somehow crossing the ocean and menacing Texas is quite low. (Link via DAV,who I'd link to if he had updated within the last 3 months)

Instead, more people should check out this game, The Last Stand 2. To best of a Flash game's ability, it simulates the endless zombie hordes and the skills needed to defeat them. We're trying to get a 10 hour in-service training credit to play this at work, but we're having a hard time of it.

Your Prepared leader.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pie. Pie Is Delicious.

I don't normally do this, but a minor cable TV celebrity has petitioned Congress to declare a Pie Week. This is because pie is awesome and tasty and there are many varieties.

I say, "Why not?" Please, people, let's get pie it's own week. Sign the petition. Do it for pie. If not that, then do it because if there 50,000 signatures, Olivia will wear a naughty French maid outfit on "Attack of the Show."

Please?

Your I Like Coconut Creme leader.

UPDATE: I'm aware of GoogleImages. I want to see the naughty French maid!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

We'll Choke On Our Vomit, And That Will Be The End

Time for me to bitch about more just plain awful ads on TV and radio.

Comcast has been pimping its digital cable and high-speed internet lately. During football season they had an ad about how one guy was way better at fantasy football than another because of his internet. The loser whines, "You always know how to crush my hopelessly pathetic defense." OK. I don't play fantasy football. I have my own nerdery to partake in. But even I know that who someone plays has nothing to do with your teams defense, because your defense just goes against the real-life team. Also, generally you play different people each week. Then the winner replies, "Because I use Comcast. And I am your lord and master!" Here's where the writing sucks. If you're trash talking someone, you go with the lord and master taunt before revealing your secret. As a commercial, it would better segue into the sales pitch by having the Comcast line last. Fail on two counts.

The current commercial for Comcast cable involves a 30-something woman who looks like an older Hillary Duff talking about her misspent youth using satallite TV. "We all go through that phase," she says smugly. "Then I realized that I could lose my picture in bad weather." Now, I actually find this a legitimate point. However, the wording suggests she never actually lost her picture. If I had satallite for 5 years and never lost the picture, I wouldn't be spending $50 more a month for cable on the off chance that it might still happen. Then she continues, "Of course, when you have kids, everything changes." Damn straight. Once you have kids TV is your only escape from the soul-crushing reality that your life no longer belongs to you. If the picture goes out, you're liable to go sit in the garage with the car running.

I wouldn't get upset about this type of ad if I didn't know there were talented writers out there who could craft ads worth watching. On a side note, anyone can pay me $50 to listen to an ad and tell you why it sucks, and how to fix it.

Now, I turn to AM1280 The Patriot for an ad I only hear on that station. The first involves Ty Coughlin, a so-called "beach bum" from Hawaii who has created a system to make millions of dollars on the internet without actually doing anything. First off, this seems antithetical to the conservative work ethic. Getting money for doing nothing is exactly what all of those talk-show hosts are against. But even worse is the commercial itself. It starts out with Ty laughing and asking if the commercial is live. He's told it is. He then starts with, "OK, I guess we're live ..." Someone really should have stopped the commercial at that point to say, A. It's a taped commercial, not live and B. We don't need to mention the process of taping. Of course, I suppose that fits into Ty's easy-going image. But then, there's the follow-up commercial, which putitively features one of Ty's many minions who have used the program, but sounds suspiciously like Ty Coughlin just lowering his voice in a clever attempt to disguise it. This commercial includes an English problem that's been spreading recently.

"Actually" is a word that should be used to purport something as true that has been called false. More and more, people throw "actually" in to modify their sentence for something no one thought was wrong to begin with. I heard a news guy say he was "actually" going to be somewhere the next day. No one had suggested he wouldn't be there. Here's a hypothetical where actually is used correctly:
Me: "Nickleback is just a plain awful band."
Some Idiot: "Actually, Nickleback puts out some wonderful music."
Me: *Shakes head sadly*
See, Some Idiot was trying to refute my statement that, in fact, all music would be better if Nickleback never played another note.

So, anyway, at one point the "Not Ty Coughlin" guy says, "I've met Ty, and he's actually a pretty cool dude." At which point I think to myself, "I hadn't thought for one minute he wasn't a cool dude, but your defensive wording has me a little wary now." So then I thought maybe there's a whole group that is opposed to Ty and his money making schemes. So I googled anti-Ty Coughlin. There are a couple of sites attacking him, but not really a concerted effort. Then I thought maybe they have a clever name, like Productive Citizens Against Beach Bums. No dice. Then I got bored.

Then it hit me; Ty Coughlin and his henchmen are using their internet ability to shut down any organized effort against him on the web. And they're using their vast internet fortunes to buy up any open radio commercial slots to keep dissenting folks from getting any air time to air their grievences against him. This is because he is running a scam.

And that's why I support the fairness doctrine.

(Not really)

Your Now I Can Sleep At Night leader.