Thursday, July 26, 2007

Baby, It's Hot Outside

This is a real mystery. My calculations put the weight of 1,000 gallons of water at 8,340 pounds. That's over 4 tons. That's a lot of water to disappear without a trace. I have 2 theories. The first is aliens. The second is a herd of flying elephants.

Now, an elephant can consume 300-600 lbs of food per day, so assuming 500 lbs of water, it would take 17 flying elephants to consume that much water, and that's assuming they could do it in 4 hours. That many elephants would make too much noise not to be noticed. Also, elephants can't fly.

Aliens presumably can fly, but would they really need exactly 1,000 gallons of chlorinated water? It seems that there are better places to get water, especially considering that some suburban New Jersey family may not have chlorinated the pool.

Neither of my hypotheses address the pool itself being missing. But neither actually works as a theory either, so I didn't bother looking into that aspect of the mystery.

Apparently there will be more on this story in the coming days. Perhaps answers are forthcoming. Or maybe the cover-up will begin.

This is a link for Spotty, but if you're a language nerd, you might enjoy it as well. And Spotty, I was wrong. It is rhinoceros that doesn't pluralize as rhinoceri, not hippopotamus. (Of course the plural of hippopotamus isn't "rhinoceri," but it can be hippopotami, which I said was incorrect Latin while speaking with Spotty earlier this evening. Really, it's a big mess to write, but can be explained in spoken word quite simply. Let's all pretend I didn't say anything at all.)

"Relatives of the woman who left her baby in a van on a hot day say she is new to the country and didn't know the law." So it's OK to leave a baby in a car in 90 degree heat if it's not against the law? "She didn't know it was that hot." I'm guessing she wears a refrigerated suit at all times, because it was fucking hot out on Wednesday.

DON'T LEAVE YOUR BABY IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad the baby didn't die, especially because the mother might get charged for her stupidity/laziness/cruelty. Unfortunately, when parents kill their baby in this manner they are considered to have "suffered enough" from the loss of their child, and never go to jail for it.

As a side note, if you see a baby sitting in a car in hot weather, call the police, but don't wait for them to arrive to break the window. Mere minutes could save a baby's life, so the sooner the heat is alleviated, the better.

Wow. I need to get away from getting outraged about kids being treated poorly at the end of posts that are started with more humorous content.

Your Mysterious Water Loss leader.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

This Post's for Evil Grey Monkies That Haunt Me

(Title Ukn. - Sifl & Ollie)

I've been gone a bit. At least one person missed me.

Unfortunately, J.D. died. He was the good gerbil, too. He had been having seizures for about a week, then he just dropped. At least he wasn't eaten by the cat.

To replace J.D., the Affiliate wants to get a chinchilla. This has lead me to learn the word crepuscular, which is just fun to say.

In other news, I have been rated completely incapacitated by a chiropractor. Which sucks, because it cost me some OT at work.

Which I was going to use to pay for a ticket to "The Simpsons Movie." This coming Friday may be the greatest day in history.

$67,000 bond for a five hour, 4 vehicle police chase
. This doesn't seem like much of a deterrent. Just saying. Maybe next time he'll get arrested 3 times in 3 hours.

Locally, five sextuplets have died. But at least the parents' faith is strong. Not strong enough to save their babies, I suppose. I'm not a big fan of fertility treatments for this very reason. Humans aren't meant to have litters, and until we can do something to keep these multiple babies alive, a lot of money is being wasted to create children that will live short, tortured lives. There are a lot of kids out there who would like to be adopted.

Anyone who gets the reference in my title is totally crescent fresh.

To be even more awesome, give the Affiliate a little scratch for her walk. She's nearly gotten to her goal, but she only has a month left. If you love boobies, or anyone who has boobies, you can't go wrong.

Your Back Pain leader.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Emergency Measures

Zombies in Downtown Minneapolis on Saturday night - Photo by T. Affiliate

Police Policy and Procedure Manual Update (Administrative Announcement)

Due to a recent increase in zombie activity in Downtown Minneapolis, there has been a change in Section 666.23 of the Policy and Procedure Manual regarding Zombies.

A. All licensed personnel must immediately attend an emergency training session at the Gun Range to learn to use head shots. Shooting center mass has proven ineffective on zombies.

B. Flame throwers will be issued to all SWAT members. Tasers are effective against zombies. Effective immediately, all batons must be exchanged for machetes.

C. In the case that an officer is bitten by a zombie, said officer is immediately stripped of all police powers until such time as can be proven that said officer will not become a zombie him/herself.

D. In the case that a fellow officer does transform into a zombie, be advised that while the person may look like your former partner, he/she is, in fact, a soulless, brain-eating hell beast. Do not be afraid to put him/her down. See Section A.

Be advised that these changes to the manual are pending a City Council hearing on the matter of whether or not to grant members of the undead community status as full citizens. More orders will be forthcoming.

Friday, July 06, 2007

I Palindrome I II

OK. So I am very good at amusing myself, but now I'll do this for real. Mostly.

Take 2.

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I have 2 gerbils, named J.D. and Turk. J.D. is so named because he has a law degree and practices veterinary malpractice law. Turk is named after the character on "Scrubs."

2. I was born with pneumonia. I spent my first few days alive in an incubator next to babies half my size. The experience gave me a false sense of grandeur.

3. I have elephant statues all over my house. I am a big fan of elephants.

4. I'm not as liberal as some people think I am, nor am I as conservative as most people think I should be.

5. 3 Favorites: Movie - "Dream With the Fishes" Book - "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" Band - R.E.M.

6. I had kidney stones when I was 21 years old, and they thankfully have not come back.

7. I am beginning to realize that I am even less interesting to talk about than I thought.

8. I own more TV show DVD's than I do movies.


The Affiliate

Your I Was Lucky to Find Six leader.