Embraces With A Warm Gesture

I've dragged myself away from the X-Box for a few minutes to discuss something. The State of the Union Address? Please.

There are a couple of bad advertisements out there. The first is from NyQuil. Well, DayQuil, actually. I happen to be a former fan of NyQuil (as Denis Leary said, "Big N, little Y, Big fuckin' Q! I love that fuckin' Q!") Then they had to change the recipe (just one of many reasons to hate meth-heads), and I've grown out of love. The commercial, however, makes me laugh.

It starts with people saying "I have a mucus," and the announcer says, "You don't catch a 'mucus,' you catch a cold," and that other cold medicines only take care of mucus. He then tells us how DayQuil fights stuffy nose, congestion, coughing and sore throat. All things caused by mucus! I'd say the writers' strike is affecting adverts, but they've never been that good.

The other ad is for local news on Channel 5, KSTP. The ad says, "News doesn't always happen at 5, 6 or 10 o'clock." Which is true. News actually rarely occurs during the newscasts. But are there people who need to be told that?

Speaking of news broadcasts, I'd be more apt to pay attention to these people if they told me about things like this. These insects are reasons not to leave the U.S. In case you aren't interested in reading about the most horrifying insects in the word, this might whet your appetite.

It's the size of your thumb and it can spray flesh-melting poison. We really wish we were making that up for, you know, dramatic effect because goddamn, what a terrible thing a three-inch acid-shooting hornet would be, you know? Oh, hey, did we mention it shoots it into your eyes? Or that the poison also has a pheromone cocktail in it that'll call every hornet in the hive to come over and sting you until you are no longer alive?

Think you can outrun it? It can fly 50 miles in a day. It'd be nice to say something reassuring at this point, like "Don't worry, they only live on top of really tall mountains where nobody wants to live," but no, they live all over the goddamned place, including outside Tokyo.

Forty people die like that every year, each of them horribly.

Much worse than any commercial.

Your Creepy-Crawly leader.

Let Us Turn Our Thoughts Today...

No holiday talk. If you want analysis on the life of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, do a blog search. I'm sure you'll find some stories, possibly including Mitt Romney's father.

Speaking of politics, "change" seems to be the theme of the campaigns this year. I'd like to remind the candidates that "making change" makes me think of turning paper money into metal money, not fixing health care or ending war. But I think the candidates can make the point themselves, with the help of David Bowie.

(Via Chris)

Missouri Chainsaw Mayhem.

A man wielding a chainsaw and knife attacked residents at a Missouri homeless shelter where he was staying, leaving two people in critical condition and injuring two others, police said Sunday. Sheriff Dennis Crane said two victims were cut by a chainsaw and two others by a knife. Authorities said the victims injured by the chainsaw were in critical condition, while the other two were treated and released.

I am picturing a heavily bearded guy in fatigues dual-wielding a chainsaw in one hand and a knife in the other. Also, it's obvious that if you want to commit mayhem (def. 1), a chainsaw is preferable. Not even a claymore can do more damage.

Watkins had been staying at the shelter for about two weeks and was taking part in a program that provides residents with on-the-job-training, authorities said.

Obviously as a lumberjack. *rimshot*

A story on the werewolf blooded. They are from the Wisconsin of Mexico, I would guess.

Your Mayhem leader.

I'm Not The Man They Think I Am At Home

Ah, Randy Moss, we still miss you. Sayeth Moss, "In my whole entire life of living 30 years, I've never put my hand on one woman, physically or in an angry manner." A car, on the other hand...

I'll be away for a while. I got myself an XBox 360, and Mass Effect.



It is perhaps the greatest video game I've ever played. Storywise, I don't think it can be beat. It's partly a "shooter," and that's not my type of game, but the interface is quite user friendly. The fact that BioWare has announced 2 sequels, and that they may continue based on the player's actions in the first game has me drooling.

So anyway, don't expect me to post much. I'll be busy saving the galaxy.

Again.

Your Commander Shepard Leader.

Important Knowledge To Save Your Life

A quick update that could improve your chances of surviving a zombie attack. (Found Here)



I don't entirely agree with that last one, but it's true that things trying to eat your brains are more horrific when on fire.

Don't add narcs as friends. Or maybe the kids added school administrators, which is even dumber.

We all know high school kids have no rights, but now college-age adults might lose their rights as well.

A freshman at a public university in Minnesota is caught with beer in a dorm room, gets cited for underage drinking and then gets nabbed for possession of marijuana.

Should the deans notify the parents?

The law says they can't, if the student is at least 18 years old, because the state Data Practices Act considers those situations "educational data" and therefore protected from disclosure.

I'm not sure why a minor consumption is "educational data," but it doesn't change the fact that it isn't a university's job to tattle on their students. Will they also tell mommy and daddy if little 20 year old Jayden gets a speeding ticket? Speeding is dangerous too. Maybe the uni should tell the folks if young Ashleigheey showed up at the clinic with the herp, and HIPAA laws be damned. I also wonder if a non-traditional 35 year old's parents would be called when he gets a DUI or busted with a half-ounce of sticky.

"It would be a way for a red flag to come up and for the parents to at least be aware that their son or daughter is having problems," said Marquart, who has a daughter in college.

There's the rub. Rep. Marquart wants to know what's going on with his "little girl." (My guess is he really doesn't want to know, if you know what I mean, and I think you do) Of course, most kids who get caught drinking don't have any sort of problem. They, like a good number of college kids, like to drink. We're expected to believe that every kid who gets caught drinking underage or smoking pot is an addict and has a serious problem. It simply isn't so.

We complain that college grads aren't ready for the real world. Could that possibly be because they aren't allowed to deal with their own consequences? Because their parents remain embedded in their lives well into their twenties?

Hell, a minor consumption ticket is a great way for a kid to figure out how to pay the fine without his/her parent's help, since s/he doesn't want them to know about it. It's a learning experience. To quote Homer Simpson, "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

Let our college students learn.

Your Keg Stand leader.

Living Dead Girl

67%

That low score is due to my kindly nature towards other non-undead individuals. Of course, would anyone truly want to survive a zombie apocalypse? Of course not. That's why I always have one extra bullet. (via Mark)

I forgot to do 2 quick book reviews. The first is "I Am America (And So Can You!)" by Stephen Colbert. I read about 20 pages of this, got the joke, and returned it to the bookstore. I like Colbert, and I like his show. I don't watch it often, which is probably why I like it so much. The book, on the other hand, was as unreadable as the Ann Coulter/Glenn Beck/Michael Savage screeds he's lampooning. Which could be viewed as a success, I guess, but doesn't make for a good read. The two best jokes I found were on the front cover ("From the author of "I Am America (And So Can You!)") and the back cover (A warning that there are pirated versions of the book coming out of China, written in poorly translated English). I was really disappointed.

The other book is The Onion's "Our Dumb Planet," an atlas which boasts "30% more Asia" on the cover. The fact that Minnesota is not placed in the Midwest, but is found along with Hawai'i and Alaska as one of the "Bullshit States" is a great bit, but is quickly surpassed by the subtitle for Nicaragua's entry; "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start." Nerd Heaven. I've only gotten to South America, (except for a quick look at an editor's angry entry regarding San Marino), and I can't wait to start reading it again. Not disappointed in the least.

Your I Am Legend leader.

My Cat's Breath Smells Like Cat Food

The Affiliate went to Mexico with a friend of hers, leaving me alone with the animals. I already miss talking to her every day, but the worst part is that my bed is cold and emptywhen I go to bed.

I've learned that the Hillock will not eat Leon. Leon is apparently too big. Leon got out of his cage and wandered the living room for a few minutes last night, and I think The hillock was more scared than anything. He did eat a gerbil once, so I know he's got a bit of a hunting instinct. I think Leon enjoyed himself., sine he actually let me pick him up and hold him for a while.

Sorry Bacon. I have a new candidate.



Ralph Wiggum: He's been a good boy.

Your Lonely leader.

There's A House At The Top Of A Tree

The Iowa caucus was last night. The importance of this event is explained by Jon Swift.

The biggest loser of all was Hillary Clinton. If she can't win in Iowa, where can she win? In every contested race since 1972 (Bill Clinton ran unopposed in 1996), the winner of the Iowa caucuses for the Democrats has gone on to be elected President, except for 1972, 1976, 1980, 1984, 1988, 1992, 2000 and 2004 when the winner did not go on to be elected President.

So that's how that goes.

In case you were wondering, the MN caucus is February 5th. (That was for Brodkorp's benefit - Two clicks are a bit much for the big guy)

I'm not surprised Huckabee won. He's got Michael Medved's support, after all. I do have a few problems with his campaign style. He went with the "stop people from voting for someone else" joke.

"Shovel your snow into their driveway," he joked. "Let the air out of their tires, disconnect their battery cable."

Hi-larious! He should have told everyone that Romney supporters caucus on Wednesday. That always gets 'em. This was almost as good as when he jokingly threatened to shoot people who don't support him. Metaphorically. The metaphor was probably lost on the reporters who were standing under the falling shot from his gun.

Anyway, this will obviously be an exciting interesting election season. Get ready.

On the other hand, this lady is worse than any of the candidates.

Your Point Of Order leader.

It Sucks To Be Me

So, The Affiliate got us tickets to see "Avenue Q." It's a musical that apparently won a Tony (Which is almost as prestigious as a Spotty™).

It is good. It's very funny. The concept is a Sesame-Street like place with puppets and people living together. The puppeteers are on stage with the puppets, which is different. Also, they sing songs, but they are adult-oriented songs, like "Everyone's A Little Racist" and "You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Makin' Love)." The story involves a recent college graduate trying to find out what his purpose in life is, and meeting new people (and puppets and monsters) along the way. Whatever.

My favorite characters were the "Bad Idea Bears."



They are too little teddy bears that tell people to do bad things in the cutest little voices. The girl bear sounded like Bubbles from the "Powerpuff Girls." (The link above includes a soundbite) When someone's better judgment would prevail, the bears would pout and whimper until they got their way. Then they would scream "Yaaay!" as the guy spent all of his rent money on beer, for example.

My only real peeve was that people thought that puppets saying "Fuck" was uproariously funny. Perhaps the first time it elicited a chuckle, but thereafter it was just cute. Yet people still laughed quite loudly. Every time. Otherwise, I had a great time.

It's dirty. It's raunchy. If you get a chance to see it, take it.

Your Yaaaaay! leader.

Brand New Year

Here's a reenactment of me from 4:30 to about 8:30 this morning.



Interestingly, a mixture of champagne/vodka/grape juice, tequila and Jaegermeister is a pretty good substitute for Ipacac.

I did manage to get through a New Year's party without pissing off the Affiliate too much. So that's nice.

Here's to 2008, and a prosperous *blaaaaarrghhh*!

Your Dry Heave leader.