Monday, December 31, 2007

All The Swingers Have Turned To Swine

(Title - "New Year's Eve" by Ike Reilly Assassination)

No more Vikings updates. They came back, then T-Jack choked. QB controversy, here we come! (Negative points to the STrib for the "Rocky Mountain Sigh" headline.)

So, it's New Year's Eve. This will be my last post of the year, as I'll be pretty drunk tomorrow night. I'm writing this from the desk at work. Last time I posted from the desk, I won an award. I doubt that will happen today.

I've been thinking of where to go with this blog. "Quo vadimus?", I ask my other selves. I've never been much of a political blogger. I don't know enough about domestic or foreign affairs to write authoritatively, and writing about politicians themselves makes me both angry and bored. I also don't have the patience to create a well defined argument and write it out coherantly. I don't read enough news to be an aggregator, and I don't care enough about any issue to be an issue blogger. (Hell, even Swiftee has the St. Paul School Board and his hate of gays.) Top 11 lists are taken, and I didn't recently have a child. I can't write in a consistent enough voice to relentlessly mock a certain STrib columnist, I'm not a science professor or Canadian schoolteacher, I don't fisk letters to the editor and I don't really like writing about poop. I am also not Evil Bobby. (I think I got everyone there.)

So what to do? I certainly won't stop, since I amuse myself when I go back a read my stuff. When I started my job, I said I wouldn't write about work except in the vaguest of terms (I have to save something for my book when I retire, right?). I've been reading some personal blogs (The ones people make fun of), and I realized that most of the interesting and exciting stuff that happens to me I won't write about here. So what am I left with?

Exactly what I've been doing. Random postings about TV, music, werewolves, zombies, animals, weirdness, religion, right-wing nut-jobs, um, just check out my labels and you'll see. I will be seeking out werewolf and zombie info to post this year, that's for sure.

I will have one big change - I'm going back and identifying all of the songs I use to title my posts. My gift to you in the new year. (Fuck that - That's more boring than handicapping the Party Nominees (and I get the blog I forgot)) 2008 will be a blast. I can just feel it.

What's coming? The 2008 Republican convention. Mediocre Vikings and Twins seasons. Me liveblogging my wedding(?) and The Affiliate's and my honeymoon in London/Paris. I'm sure other fun stff will happen too.

Rest assured, I will continue to be funny when I want, informative when I can, and I will certainly be better than a certain gob that ran to Costa Rica to avoid the Minnesota Winter.

Your Whiskey Turns To Rhymes leader.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

A Quick Video Post

Not safe for work (Which means funny as hell).

He's got some other funny stuff too. (Via Amber)

Thursday, December 27, 2007

All I Wanna Do Is To Thank You

(Geggy Tah)

X-mas went well for me. The Affiliate went all out. She got me the best gift ever; Two bags of white-chocolate M&M's from the promotion for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. They haven't been available in stores for a year and a half. Awesome. And tasty.

Finally, I receive the accolades I deserve. I would like to thank the citizens of Minneapolis, without whom I could not have earned this Spotty™ award. As a side note, all of the examples in that post actually happened to me.

I'm also highlighted by Jon Swift, the best blogger named after a dead Irish writer on the Internet. He understands the threat of Zombies, and wanted to spread the word, I'm sure.

The tragic tiger attack in San Francisco may have a cause no one has mentioned yet. Obviously, the tiger had just learned that his cousin had been beheaded and skinned in China.

And finally, my Top 10 CD's of the year (Only CD's I own are eligible.)

Number 1: "We Belong to the Staggering Evening" - Ike Reilly Assassination

(See, I only bought 1 CD this year, and I didn't really buy it, I got it as a gift. I'm having a little fun with the idea that I don't buy CD's much anymore, instead downloading most of my music. See how that went?)

Your New Year's Eve Can't Come Quickly Enough leader.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Boys In The NYPD Choir Were Singin' "Galway Bay" (Vikings 8-7)

Ouch. A question for the league: Can a coach throw the red flag to ask if there were other penalties on a play? Offsides seems pretty cut and dried. Some pass interference penalties are pretty obvious too. Just curious.

While listening to the game, there were ads from American service-persons sending their families holiday greetings. I think Bill O'Reilly needs to look into our liberal military, because most of them said "Happy Holidays," not "Merry Christmas" as they would have said if they were true Americans. (This was snark. I love our service-members.)

The Vikings loss wasn't all bad, at least for me. You know how many boobs I saw after the game? Five! (Party bus + booze + red light + cop = Girls flashing)

I actually got out for a movie this week. I saw "Juno" at the Uptown Theater. (Note: I breaking a KAR rule here, because the movie was written by Diablo Cody.)

It was good. Some have called Cody the next Tarentino when it comes to writing movies. I'd say "Juno's" dialog would have fit in in a better episode of "Gilmore Girls." (That's a compliment, by the way.) The performances were very good, and the movie is funny as hell. It's a good story (Pregnant teenage girl decides to give the zygote up for adoption, then deals with the pregnancy and the couple who are going to adopt from her), and Ellen Page brings humor and feeling to teenage Juno.

I haven't seen anything that might be considered Oscar worthy this year, so I have nothing to compare, but I wouldn't be surprised if this wins an Original Screenplay award. I would like to see what Amy Sherman-Palladino can do with a feature length film before naming Diablo Cody the second-coming when it comes to writers. I give "Juno" 3 1/2 out of 5 stars. Go see it.

"Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem" comes out on X-mas. It may be a happy holiday after all. Except I'll be working.

Your Christmas Eve In The Drunk Tank leader.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I Am The Cybernetic Ghost Of Christmas Past, From The Future

The Vikings are still in control of their playoff destiny. Why does that send a chill down my spine?

OK, note to the Pioneer Press: Your website sucks. Your links don't work. Your category listings' links all just lead to the front page. I'd really rather link to you, but I can't, because I can't find the stories I want. The Internet is important to your readers under the age of 40. Also, "Twin" needs to go. You're the Pioneer Press. Let's not shy away from the name.

Last night, I was wondering why that dog was at the 331 Club with a video camera strapped to his collar. Now I know why:

(via Spotty)

Please know that the guy in the Santa hat was quite drunk when trying to sing an X-mas carol from the far future.

Mitt "My Dad Marched With MLK (OK, Not Really, But Wouldn't It Be Great If He Had?)" Romney tries to backpedal.
"If you look at the literature, if you look at the dictionary, the term 'saw' includes being aware of in the sense I've described," Romney told reporters in Iowa. "It's a figure of speech and very familiar, and it's very common. And I saw my dad march with Martin Luther King. I did not see it with my own eyes, but I saw him in the sense of being aware of his participation in that great effort."

What the hell does that even mean? You know, I "saw" all four of the Vikings Super Bowl losses. And by that I mean that I am aware that they lost four Super Bowls. See how that works? What a schmuck.

Ah, is there anything better than the excitement and trepidation of Cephalopodmas Eve? The Hillock says, "No."

(Yes, it's a picture from last year. It's the idea that counts, right, Mitt?)

Everything you know is wrong.

Your "Thousands Of Years Ago" leader.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

A Public Service Announcement Followed Me Home The Other Day

People call the police for a lot of strange reasons. Many calls involve criminal or suspected criminal behavior. Others involve people with honest to god problems that the police are in a position to help with (e.g. Cars stuck in the middle of the street; Lost stuff that needs to be given to somebody). Then there are the other calls ...

There's a popular belief out there that cops are people who are too dumb to get another job. Why, then, do people believe we have some sort of powerful wisdom that no one else has? I understand people asking about legal matters. We're cheaper than lawyers, since we are required to answer the phone and talk to whomever calls. Remember, we aren't lawyers, and don't have all of the answers. If a cop says they don't know, they really don't. We don't like to look ignorant, after all.

What you should do in your personal life, however, is another matter. I don't know if you should let so-and-so move in with you. Chances are, I haven't met the person. I'm not an accountant, and can't tell you what to do with your money (I will advise you not to store hundreds of thousands of dollars in the crawlspace under your house, though, if you ask). I can't enforce a non-existant court order to get your kids back from Dad's house when you are unwilling to go get them yourself.

If a bouncer kicks you out of a bar, it was for a good reason. I can't get you back in (and probably wouldn't even if I could). If the bouncer insulted you, that's not a crime, and I don't know what you should do to get over the experience. Maybe find a therapist. Or another bar.

Some other tips:

A drunk guy walking down the street isn't a police matter unless they start harming themselves or someone else. If we could cart every drunk person away, downtown would be empty every night.

If your friend says she met some guy at the bar and she's going home with him, by all means try and stop her. Don't report her as a missing person when you can't find her later. There's a good chance she went home with the guy.

I don't really like writing reports. Don't say you lost your wallet, then say you want to report it stolen. When you admit the report would be a lie, I'm really not going to write it.

We can't raise your kids. Kids act up. A lot. It's what kids do. Don't threaten to have us arrest them if they won't pick up their toys. It makes them either A) scared to ask a cop for help when they need it or B) make unneccessary calls to the police when they get older and can't figure out what to do.

If some guy you knew in high school 20 years ago calls you out of the blue for some help, and you show up and he's not there, go home. He got the money for his crack from someone else.

I know you think of him as your baby, but your 22 year-old son who lives in the basement room is an adult, and we're not going to go bring him home from his friend's house because his friend is a "bad influence."

Also, even if teenagers don't stay out late against their parents' wishes in your culture, your kid lives here now, where teenagers do all kinds of fucked up things. Your kid is assimilating. That's not always bad.

We are not private investigators. If you don't even know if the person you're trying to find is in the city, there's only so much we can do. Take what info we can give you and hire someone who can devote 12 hours a day to your case. I'm not lying when I say there's no record of the person in our database. Really.

Telling me you're calling from the mental hospital is not going to increase your credibility that the "someone" who told you something bad is happening in your apartment actually exists. Sure, I'll check it out, but don't call me a liar when I say there was nothing wrong. Also, I don't know every drug dealer in the city. Repeating over and over that some guy named "Dave," who sells drugs ("You know Dave, right?"), is somehow involved won't help either.

I also don't want to get into a long conversation about your history of mental illness. I have friends to do that with. And no, I don't know the cop who was really nice to you 28 years ago. I wasn't born yet. Keep calling, and the hospital will get a call from me to revoke your phone privilages.

I don't need to know every bit of history between you and the person who has been harrassing you. If he/she's harrassing you now, that's enough. If I say "fast forward," I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to get to the crux of the current problem so I can get the information I need and go back up another officer going to a person with a gun call.

It's OK to flirt with me when I'm standing around downtown. Or inside the gas station/coffee shop. Or pretty much anywhere, as long as I don't look busy. Telling me a man in uniform is sexy will make me happy for several hours.

Sometimes we're happy to give advice. That's a bonus for you (or not, depending on the cop who shows up). It's not our job to make personal decisions for you, however. We're not going to sit around and wait for you to parse down all of your choices. Here's the one piece of wisdom I've picked up in my life; If you can't make the right decision, sometimes making the wrong decision is better than making no decision at all. And sometimes, there simply is no "right" decision.

It's OK to call for help. Just accept that we can't always help, and when we tell you there's nothing we can do, we mean it. You may not like it; we probably don't like it. But despite what some people may say, we are not in a police state, and the cops aren't all powerful. Sometimes you'll have to do things for yourself.

And remember, if there's any doubt at all, go ahead and call. I'll tell you if your call is bullshit, or if there's simply nothing I can do. It's only a waste of my time when you don't accept my answer.

Your Code 4 leader.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Cars & Girls & Drinks & Song (& Bacon)

I shall now commence to freak out Mark by posting yet again this week.

I am a big supporter of mass transit, but it's not always the best choice for transportation.

Seven year-old girls should not have to take a bullet for their mothers. This girl could be a great leader someday. Does anyone doubt that prison is too good for the fuckwad that shot her?

Drinking Liberally gives back next week. Bring an unwrapped toy for a tot to the 331 Club in Nor'east on Thursday night. We'll be giving them all to the Marines in time for X-mas. Then stay for a drink or 3. Spotty will be there with his doggy video camera.

As you shop for X-mas gifts, you may be wondering, "Where does that really bad X-mas music come from?" Here's your answer.

And finally, a possible running mate for Bacon.

Either that, or a horribly embarrassing photo that could end Bacon's political career.

Your Take the A-Train leader.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


Baby DL has escaped been delivered lured out with promises of candy and whiskey. I'll just link to the pictures, because babies kind of creep me out.

Congratulations, Robin and Steve. If you need a babysitter, I'm sure a bunch of your relatives would be more than happy to help out. (You were expecting me to offer help? See above statement about babies. When she turns 18, have her give me a call, though ;))

Since I don't have cute human baby pictures, here's a different cute baby picture.

(It's a baby tapir)

Your Wahh, Wahh leader.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Vote For Deliciousness

I'll take medical events for $600, Alex. What is Myocardial Infarction?

Hopefully this won't affect Bacon's chances at getting elected. My guess is Alex eats more Canadian Bacon, which, of course, is ineligible for the Presidency.

Obviously, Kool-Aid Report knows of my propensity to endorse strange things, and is counting on my 5 readers to vote next November. Now, I know it's early, but I am finally excited about a candidate. This may be premature, but I'm ready to endorse for President, unless a terrible running mate is chosen, of course.

Your Sizzling leader.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

The Snow Lay On The Ground (Vikings 7-6)

Can someone send a note to Cities 97 that sunset was 4 hours ago. Then they can end their "Accoustic Sunset," and get back to playing regular versions of generic adult comtemporary rock.

I've calculated that I am paid about $2400 a year to use the bathroom at work, which is absolutely awesome. This bathroom related tidbit is brought about from reading Jeremy at Afterglide. He writes about poop a lot, and it got me thinking. You should also take his test to see if you could become a serial killer. Check the comments, because he obviously is a dangerous fellow, with his wanton disregard for the noble and majestic tapir.

Time for links to stuff.

This guy must love bacon even more than I do. (via KAR)

What are we calling "Mohammed?" (via PZ) Personally, I would like a stuffed emu. I'd name it Emo the emu. I would imagine it would have a voice like Emo Philips, and would make strange observations about life as a flightless bird.

Also from PZ, the War on X-mas(TM) continues here.

Of yeah. The Vikes bi-atched San Fransisco, and are in sole possession of the last wild-card playoff berth, if the playoffs started today. That's 4 straight wins, in case you weren't counting.

Cities 97 just played "Dixie The Tiny Dog," so they can be forgiven for now.

Your Out At The Station leader.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Technoviking (Vikings 6-6)

Playoffs! Playoffs?! I will give the Lions credit for holding Adrian Peterson to a measly 116 yards, although he did only carry 15 times.

I think this guy would be pleased with the result this week. Dance, Technoviking, dance!

(h/t to Chris)

Your Winning Out leader.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Here It's December Every Day

What a beautiful day, I say. I love a good snowstorm. This isn't the best I've seen, but it's a good start to the season.

Also, I forgot to mention perhaps the greatest Christmas song of all; The Pogues' "Fairytale of New York."

Inmates take money over fruit. Don't tell Det. Crews.

Your Winter Wonderland leader.