Enduring Tortures, Most Of Which Rhyme

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes yes yes! I am not waiting for X-mas. No, I'm off today to buy my own copy.

Now, it's the X-mas season, which means there's a war on. That war is fought on one side by having several local radio stations play nothing but really bad X-mas music until next February. Here's an overview of some of the songs you'll be hearing, despite liberals making sure Christmas is banned in this country.

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' - One of those traditional Christian tunes, about the savior of all humanity, Rudolph. Seriously, there's a version of this song that asks, "Do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" If we don't recall him, he's not too famous, is he? Also, the song glorifies the fact that all of the bullies come to love Rudolph only after he proves useful to them. Nice message.

"The Christmas Song" - "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ...' Great song. Evokes family and friendship. Isn't played enough.

"Jingle Bell Rock"/"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" - Ironically, two of the least "rockin'" songs ever. They make "The Electric Slide" seem edgy.

"Oh Holy Night" - Perhaps my favorite Christmas song, even if it is religious. If sung simply, it can be quite beautiful.

"Silent Night"/"Stille Nacht" - Another good religious song. It's better in German.

"Happy Holiday" - A devious entry by notorious anti-Christian Bing Crosby. Still pretty annoying.

"A Wonderful Christmas Time" - Oh, Paul, how could you put all of the retail workers through this hell? You're lucky you were in The Beatles, or death would be too good for you.

"Last Christmas" - Wham made sure they wouldn't be forgotten. Perhaps being hated forever is better than not being remembered at all.

Of course, the newer X-mas songs tend to be the worst, yet they get a lot more air time. Anything to make my November and December even more unbearable, right?

Your Maybe This Christmas leader.

I Tried to Rise, But I Wasn't Able (Vikings 5-6)

("Nancy Whiskey" - Trad.)

I'll keep this in mind for my bachelor party.

It would take 24 shots of Whiskey to kill me
The Vikes are back in the playoff race. There's a sentence I didn't think I'd be writing for a few years. Apparently they own the New York Giants. Awesome.

Get better soon.

Your To The House leader.

Gobble

Happy Thinksgiving, Thanksgiving and Thunksgiving. (You know, like Think, Thank, Thunk. Get it? (c Common Man)).

Turkey picture.



Wow. Two bad jokes in as many jokes.

Now a real Turkey.



Enjoy your meal, and give thanks that you aren't at work like I am.

Your Thankful leader.

Update: A little late, but keep this in mind for next year.

Officer Down

Mark Bedard 1973-2007

Please do whatever it is you do to remember people when they die. And give to his family, if you are able.

*Update*

I probably should have put this here, since I asked you to donate:

c/o City County Federal Credit Union
4701 Chicago Ave. SouthMinneapolis, MN 55407

763-549-6300

Donations can be dropped at anf CCFCU location.

When Will We Be Married In The Same Bed

("When Will We Be Married" - The Waterboys)

Tommy "T.D." Mischke writes about marriage. Tradition be damned, this is a great post.

I went into my marriage knowing full well how badly I screwed up some important things in my life. Why assume I could master this? I only agreed to give it one hell of a shot.

Could it be put better than that? (Note to The Affiliate: Don't read that post ;))

Barreiro going to KSTP? I think it's funny that Ron Rosenbaum, who was fired from KSTP, is representing Barreiro on a possible move to KSTP. I'd put him on from 5-8, after Soucheray. He's better than Matt Thomas by a long shot. You could eliminate the need for the last half-hour of sports talk on GL, and while I wouldn't want an asset like Barreiro going to waste by preempting him for Twins games in the summer, KFAN had no problem doing it with the Timberwolves games, so it's doable.

I've tried to comment over at Shot in the Dark, but Wordpress won't let me sign in, no matter how often I register and get a password. In any case, I'll link this story as my response to Mitch's post. Not to mention that the guy in Mitch's story was carrying a gun and still couldn't prevent his car from being stolen. (via Norwegianity)

On a lighter note, here's an animal e-mail I got:

DOG DIARY
8 am-Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am-A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am-A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am-Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
Noon-Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:30-Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3pm-Chased a squirrel! My favorite thing!
5pm-Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7pm-Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8pm-Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11pm-Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts, since it clearly demonstrated what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet while he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow--but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released-and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him
in an elevated cell, so he is safe....for now.

How true.

Your Wedding Bells leader.

Such A Lovely Day, And I'm Glad You Feel The Same (Vikings 3-5)

Well, the yearly sign of change from Fall to Winter has come again; An NFL rookie running for 296 yards. I'll just add that I saw the record breaking 109 yard field goal return live and in person. That's pretty sweet, even if it was the other team.

Also, there was snow yesterday. Just light flurries, but it made me smile.

To Mitch and my friends at The Patriot, the "Only conservative station in the Twin Cities*;" Apparently conservative isn't what sells here. You can make fun of Air America for being a terrible radio station (I basically agree), but they gained listeners while you lost listeners, and now you have the same ratings. Maybe dead air and running 3 commercials at the same time isn't the best strategy. Or having only 8 hours of local programming a week. Or having multiple hosts with the exact same show day in and day out. Oh well, I'm sure that joining Townhall will help to diversify your shows and make them more interesting.

*(I heard this on a NARN show. It reminds me of one of the other "Only conservative stations" here, KTLK, calling itself the "First FM news talk" station in the Twin Cities. As if FM 107 hasn't been around for a while. Although FM 107 is woman oriented, so I guess it really doesn't count as news talk. The probably just talk about shoes and baking and stuff.)

Sometimes I can't help but feel schadenfreude, especially when it comes to people as haughty as the NARNians.

Your Record Breaking leader.

This Is Halloween

Wow. Ok. Seriously? Even Michael Medved is against Halloween, but because he believes it is an occult holiday. His wife disagrees (and why can't he keep her in line?), but I think Medved has more of a playful rejection of the holiday than Hannity. Of course, one of Medved's arguments was that Halloween didn't pop up in America until the 50's, so it isn't a real tradition. I wonder how he feels about "In God We Trust" appearing on our money (At least since the 1950's).

Hannity, on the other hand, is just a schmuck.

Your Witches And Warlocks leader.

The Sun Is Burning In The Sky

My title today comes from a discussion with Mark about what folk music is. I could have gone with "Tom Dooley," but I decided against it.

As The TK LappDogg pointed out in the comments a bit back, The MN Swarm season is back on. Its home schedule will be released as soon as they contact their fans and find out when they can show up. (Joke courtesy of the Pioneer Press' "The Loop")

Anyway, my real point today is a quick overview of TV this year. At least the shows I watch.

Mon: "How I Met Your Mother" has been coupled with a good partner, "The Big Bang Theory." If you're a mid-twentys aged nerd, you really need to watch this stuff. "Heroes" is boring this year but not as bad as the critics keep saying. I'm really digging "Journeyman" as a new "Quantum Leap," with a little less camp factor. "Prison Break" and "K-Ville" are another good match, although "Prison Break" is still saddled with the problem of trying to get a guy out of prison on a timeline, but not too quickly. Anthony Anderson on "K-Ville" is awesome, as usual.

Tues: Only "The Unit" on Tuesday. I'm mostly upset that they changed the theme song from the old running cadence to something more mysterious. Still a solid show.

Wed: "Bionic Woman" is watchable for now, but I can see it getting old quickly. At least, outside of the watching Michelle Ryan. That won't get old for many years. "Life," on the other hand, is the most compelling new show this year for me. The writing and humor are sharp, and the characters are well acted. Adam Arkin is welcome in any TV show, as far as I'm concerned. Also, NBC has put two British actors playing Americans in main roles in successive shows, which I find interesting.

Thurs: NBC's comedy block has gotten stale. (Note: I don't watch "30 Rock.") On the other hand, "The Office" is still funnier than most shows, and "My Name is Earl," when it's funny, rivals "The Office." "Earl" just happens to miss more often than it hits. "Scrubs" just came back, so we'll see if it stays funny. "ER" and "Grey's Anatomy" are now the same show. How long until "Anatomy" has no original cast members left" I give it 4 years. I'm also still watching "Smallville," but don't ask me why. "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" continues to be the most offensively funny show on TV. Seriously, those guys make the "Seinfeld" characters look like saints.

Fri: I decided to try out "Moonlight," and I'll stick with it as long as my DVR doesn't get too backed up. Vampire detective hot for non-vampire tabloid reporter. We all know the story.

Sat: "Torchwood" is an impressive "Doctor Who" spin-off. There have been some very good episodes, and the whole mythology is intriguing, at least for a sci-fi guy like me.

I'll ignore Sunday, because the Fox "Animation Domination" hasn't changed a lick.

That's all.

Your Too Much TV leader.

Baptismal Blood

Now, I'm not really a metal guy, but I realize I've been remiss in mentioning my buddy's band, Epicurean, which certainly is a bunch of metal guys.

I mention it now because I want to be the first person on the net to have the term Cuntface Razorhands, The Hate Pope on my blog. (You'll need to highlight that line if you want to read it. It's really offensive, even for me. In fact, if you aren't Mark or one of the band guys, you probably should not highlight it. It includes the term "Hate Pope," and that's the printable part.)

I hear the hot new thing the hip kids do to be hip is to smoke a fat joint and watch "Life," and pretend to understand what Det. Crews is talking about.

Your Just Got Back From A Bachelor Party leader.

Vikings 2-4

I'm with this guy.

But She Said, "I'm Sure You're Mistaken"

I've not written for a while. I've been in mourning. Now, I'm usually on the side of a union, but I am left wondering if these guys realized that they are professional lacrosse players, and should be grateful just to be able to eat every day.

This article left me feeling sad for people. It's about changes in Minnesota funeral law. The first line left me scratching my head. Is it beneath the dignity of a dead man to ride in the back of a pickup truck? Really? this is what we're worried about? The dead man, well, he's dead, and really has no dignity.

The State Health Guy in charge of mortuary science, David Beneke, says the changes were made to, "prevent someone from disposing of a dead body in an unacceptable manner, such as a funeral pyre." He then adds, "If there was a group that was doing this continuously for 25 years, we would allow it." Which means that there can be no new funeral traditions ever again. And besides, what's wrong with a funeral pyre? It was good enough for the folks in the old country.

I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but there is no logical reason to restrict how a body can be disposed of except that the people who get paid to dispose of the bodies want to keep getting paid. There are illogical reasons, like, oh, this:

Benke said the law still would allow a body to be transported in a van or an SUV. But the state wants to prohibit bodies transported in pickup trucks or trailers, even if they are covered.

"We don't think that's respectful to the deceased," he said.

It's not the Health Department's job to tell me what is respectful to my dead family member. If it is unhealthy for a corpse to be placed in the back of an open truck, make the case. Leave respect for the dead to people who know the dead.

Considering that morticians can get a religious waver for some rules, I'm guessing the rules have little to do with public health. Although it wouldn't be the first time that religious beliefs were used to fight against public health.

Finally, this story makes me feel better about macing squirrels on my back porch.

Your Bring Out Your Dead leader.

A Looming Threat

I knew I started reading PubHouse Dialogues for a reason. Ganesha has received shocking video footage of new Zombie "Rules of Engagement" in their attempt to devour all of Minneapolis and deprive its citizens of beer and nachos.

I saw some of this action on city surveillance while downtown on Saturday night. Apparently someone leaked to the Zombies that I would be confined to the Warehouse District on foot for the evening. With their arch-nemesis otherwise occupied, the Zombies descended on the Cedar-Riverside area.

Here are some more shocking photos the soulless creatures released. Obviously, Jeremy at Afterglide is a state enemy. I will be keeping watch on his site, and you should too. Only together can we stop the Zombie Menace from destroying our upper-lower-middle-class way of life (Excluding Spotty, who lives in Edina).

Also, someone should really tell him that the plural of "cul-de-sac" is "culs-de-sac," not "cul-de-sacs." This lack of knowledge of the French language clearly shows that no détente is possible.

Your Fight the Good Fight leader.

Jump, Jive an' Wail

The Greatest Generation shows that they could do it better. They played chess with their captives? What a bunch of pussies. A "Battle of wits?" What, were these guys French interrogators? Well, one became a history professor, so that's all you need to know.

But that's OK. We don't torture anyone. Except when we do.

How will the right smear our WWII veterans and come out looking better than before? We'll have to wait and see.

Your Waterboard leader.

Trample on Your Yesterdays

("God And Money" - Ike Reily Assassination)

Anyone interested in working with Gil Grissom? It doesn't pay enough for me, and I don't think I could live in Nevada. Hurry, though. The job closes the 10th.

Me too.

I think he deserved more than 5 months. Although, whomever named the ostrich Gaylord should be punished too.

Good Night.

Your Slow Week leader.

I Got Real Scars

A question for John McCain; Is he worried that a non-Christian might actually get elected President in his lifetime (Or mine, for that matter)? Why would this question even be asked?

Quote: "I prefer someone who I know who has a solid grounding in my faith." That's fine. I'd prefer that too, although it's not realistic in America at the moment. It also isn't in the Top 10 of things look at, so no matter.

Next quote: "The Mormon religion is a religion that I don't share, but I respect. More importantly, I've known so many people of the Mormon faith who have been so magnificent," So you prefer someone of your own faith, or a Mormon. Also, I'm sure you know people of many other faiths (and none at all) who are magnificent, so we'll count them in as OK for President.

Another: "I would vote for a Muslim if he or she was the candidate best able to lead the country and to defend our political values." Muslims: Also in.

So now we see that John McCain would prefer someone with a "solid grounding" in his own faith, but you could practice Shinto for all he cares if you do good things or defend your political values.

McCain managed to piss of non-Christians while basically saying that he doesn't really care about a candidate's religion. The worst part is he was obviously trying to say he does care about a candidate's religion, and got so caught up in political double-speak that he didn't even get that right. What he actually said is how it should be. What he was trying to say is what makes politics and religion such a fun mix.

The best quote of the whole article: "(The) Constitution established the United States of America as a Christian nation." Wow. You can argue that the Founders were all Christians. You can argue that America was founded as a Christian nation. But the lack of mention of God or Christ in the Constitution makes it impossible to use that document as an argument for those things.

If I were making a Christian nation, I'd be sure to mention Christ at some point, and I'm not nearly as smart as the Founding Fathers. Gouverneur Morris could have thrown in Christ or God right between "justice" and "domestic Tranquility." He didn't.

I once liked McCain politically. Then he cozied up to a guy who smeared him in some pretty unforgivable ways just to win an election. Now, apparently, McCain is going to try and win back the religious nuts whom he lost by calling Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson what they were back when he was still a politician one could look up to. And he's doing a poor job of it.

Way to go, Senator.

Your More Perfect Union leader.

A Year Behind the Meme

I have a few new blogs added to the old 'roll.

Two Knives, which is not at all based on "The Simpsons," but is instead a young lady fed up with the extent to which our consumerist society is controlled by advertising. We had a nice argument tonight before we realized we were saying the exact same thing. Happens to me all of the time.

(Strangely, of all of the crap on YouTube, there is no clip of "The Simpsons" where Moe talks about how great it is to have two knives)

Next we have PubHouse Dialogues, which, if nothing else, showed me that I didn't know how to spell "dialogue." Also, there's something called "Fat Man Ranting," which is apparently like a 3 hour 5 minute podcast. (It's late and I have to watch "The Office," so I didn't actually listen to the whole thing. Or more than about 2 minutes. Sue me.) And dialogue still looks wrong to me, but Webster says it's correct.

Finally, here's Zesticle. The name itself is enough to draw me in, but the writing reminded me a bit of Kevin-M. Now, Kevin-M hasn't been writing much in the last year, so a replacement is in order. (Don't worry - Insomnia Report is not leaving the blogroll yet.) This post reminded me of some conversations I've had with Mark, which isn't always a good thing.

So there's that.

Now, I got an iPod. Finally. So I'm going to play a little game that I vaguely remember people doing a while back. In my defense, The Onion does this as an interview tool. So, a random selection of songs (Note: I'm not done filling the iPod yet)

1. "Four of Two" - They Might Be Giants
From their children's album, "NO!," this is a cute song about a guy who believes the woman he loves will be coming in mere minutes. Unfortunately, he bases this on a clock that is apparently stuck at the titular time. The song mentions "gigantic metal bugs," which makes me like it.

2. "The Piano Has Been Drinking" - Tom Waits
Anthropomorphic barroom items with serious flaws. Or maybe the singer is just projecting...

3. "You Don't Know" - Reel Big Fish
From the less ska oriented "Why Do They Rock So Hard?", a fuck you to people who can't accept that some people have different tastes in music. Interestingly, Goldfinger has basically the same song that came out around the same time. I like them both.

4. "Walk Unafraid" - R.E.M.
From my favorite album, "Up." Not my favorite song. A song about forging one's own path, and learning from mistakes. I think. Like most songs on the album, it's a little vague.

5. "Duty Free" - Cracker
An Ike Reilly cover. Who knew that those even existed? Actually, it's a re-imagining, as the lyrics are mostly different, except for the line, There are some lines that can't be crossed/But sometimes, those lines get lost. The tune is the same, and both songs have their merits. Interestingly, this isn't listed as a single on Cracker's wikipedia page, yet I only know this song from hearing it on the radio.

That's enough for now. Nothing too embarrassing, and Tom Waits gives me a little music cred, I think.

Wow. Something called Perez Hilton is on TV. I must get away from it. See ya.

Your Add, Then Take Away leader.

There Was A Place, And The Name Of The Place Escapes Me

("Someday I Suppose" - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones)

Robert Jordan died a few days ago. I never read his Wheel of Time series. For one, I had heard it was very dense. Also, I assumed that it would never end, or Jordan would die before he could finish it. I get enough lack of closure from TV cancellations. For once, I was right. Jordan didn't finish his last book. Sucks for fans. Sucks for his family that he died too.

Professor fired for not believing in fairy tales. Why isn't the right attacking this firing for being anti-Catholic? Catholics don't believe the Bible is literal. Are they allowed to express that belief in Des Moines without being fired? From the story: "So it'd be no different than saying the world was not created in six days in science class." Of course there are places where saying that would get you run out of town, so we'll see if they accept that argument.

The truth about cats.

Your Someday I Suppose leader.

What Pattern Does A Scottish Pirate Wear? Arrrrrrgyle

It begins. International Talk Like A Pirate Day is about to begin here in the Central Daylight Time Zone. Arr, me mateys. We shall tell jokes that will make yer skin boil and yer blood crawl.

Why couldn't the young pirate see the movie? It was rated arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

How does a pirate poison someone? He uses arrrrrrsenic.

What do pirates do when they disagree? They arrrrrrrrrrrrgue.

How does a pirate keep his refrigerator smelling fresh? Arrrrrrrrrm and Hammer.

What happened to the pirate who broke a minor rule while serving in the Navy? He got an Arrrrrrrrrticle 15. (Bet you didn't see that one coming)

And as a Navy man, the college football game he most looked forward to was against Arrrrrrrrrmy.

He got tickets to see the Arrrrrmy/Navy game once. He sat on the 50 yarrrrrrrd line.

What is a pirate's favorite drink? Rum, of course.

The pirate doesn't mix rum with Diet Coke, though. Know why? It has arrrrrrtificial sweeteners.

What kind of music do pirates like? Arrrrrr & B.

And the pirate's favorite Arrrrrr & B singer? Arrrrrrrrrrr Kelly.

Our pirate likes to tell jokes as well. He doesn't tell them very well, though. One joke he likes ends like this: "Arrrrrnge you glad I didn't say banana again?"

I will update throughout the day.


Your One Day for Pirate Puns leader.

More Than All You Can Eat

Mr. President, can you find a sovereign nation on a map?



Quick, someone donate a map for the president!

I ate at a little bistro in downtown Mpls last night called Fogo de Chao (apologies to Brazilians; I don't know how to make the little squiggly over the "a"). Wow.

The idea behind the place is meat. Many kinds. As much as you want. Delivered to the table by guys in gaucho pants. For $50, it's worth checking out, but man is that a lot of food. And they don't relent in bringing the meat. Ever. Bring an appetite, and maybe a treadmill for working out afterwards.

Speaking of meat, an assessment of people;



Your Meat leader.

Vikings 1-1

Worst ... Game ... Ever!

There may be some good that came of the game, though.