Kiss The Killers And The Kind And The Crude

For the end of the year ....

There's a post over at Shot in the Dark on the use of "uber" as a superlative prefix. Of course Mitch uses the u-umlaut, but since I don't know how to type an u-umlaut, I don't. And since few Americans can pronounce an u-umlaut, it really doesn't matter.

Anyway, I've been wanting to make a ranking of superlative prefixes for a while, and now I will. They are, from lowest to highest:

super
mega
ultra
uber
super-ultra-mega
hyper

(e.g. Mega-Man is superior to Superman. Which should be obvious. A robot who steals the powers of his enemies is obviously better than an alien who is allergic to rocks.)

Interestingly, hyper is used far more often than the lesser super-ultra-mega. (53 million Google hits vs. 100,000) My guess is it is laziness on the writer's part. Fewer keystrokes and all.

Well, I hope I've helped with folks trying to figure out just how good something that is awesome really is. This is important after all. This post was in no way a simple attempt to pad my posting stats.

Have a happy 2009!

Your Auld Lang Syne leader.

DIckhead, Dickhead, Dickhead; Check It Out!

Oh, Rod Blagojevich, you rascally bastard. Appointing a senator whilst facing indictment for probably trying to sell that senate seat.

“The people of Illinois are entitled to have two United States senators represent them in Washington, D.C,” Blagojevich said, Unfettered by the cloud of controversy surrounding his ongoing investigation. “As governor, I am required to make this appointment. If I don't make appointment, then people of Illinois will be deprived of their appropriate voice and vote in the U.S. Senate.”

Fuck you, you arrogant prick. We here in Minnesota don't know who our next senator is, and our Governor may have to appoint someone. He's in no hurry. Is there any chance you're afraid you won't be in office on the 20th of January?

At least the guy he picked seems like an adequate choice. Of course, who knows if he paid for the seat? That's the inherent problem with the situation. Burris would have been better off refusing to be appointed in such a situation.

And Burris is the consummate politician, of course.

“I have no comment on what the governor's circumstance is. And as a former attorney general of this state, I know and I think most of you all know, that in this legal process, you're innocent until you're proven guilty.”

But Burris had much stronger words for Blagojevich just two weeks ago after Blagojevich was arrested.

“The evidence that's been presented is purely appalling," he said at a Dec. 13th news conference. "Should that come out to be the case of what our governor was attempting to do, I find it just reprehensible."

Nothing more political than taking the exact opposite stand from week to week. Again, the honorable thing to do is wait.

But wait, there's more. The Senate has threatened to deny Burris the seat. They've said all along that Blago shouldn't appoint anyone, because, "Anyone appointed by Gov. Blagojevich cannot be an effective representative of the people of Illinois and, as we have said, will not be seated by the Democratic caucus."

But that doesn't sit well with former black panther and current congressman from IL Bobby Rush. Let's go to the story:

“I applaud the governor for his decision and I would ask you to not hang or lynch the appointee, as you tried to castigate the appointer -- separate, if you will, the appointee from the appointer."

Fuck you, Congressman. Lynch? Would you have used that word if a white guy was going to be denied the seat? You're full of shit. As we see here:

"There are no African-Americans in the Senate," Rush said. "And I don't think that anyone — any U.S. senator who's sitting in the Senate right now — wants to go on record to deny one African-American for being seated in the U.S. Senate."

So the only reason Burris should be seated is that he's black? That's a fine political system you've envisioned.

Burris should be denied the seat, if only because he was dumb enough to accept it. He should then move into congressman Rush's district and run against him for Congress. It would be tough for Rush to attack him, since Rush has already said he should be in the Senate. And if the voters of his district are smart, they'll be looking for a way to get this guy gone.

I'm glad I'm not an Illinois Democrat. I hope they find a way to get these dickheads out of office, and put good people into office. Burris may be one of those good people, but taking office from a corrupt governor isn't the way to go.

Your Angry and Vulgar leader.

P.S. If you aren't from the Twin Cities, you may have never heard the bit that my post title comes from. It's here, and certainly is not safe for work. Enjoy!

Put One Foot On The Trunk, Keep One Foot On The Floor

Jon Swift is the best conservative writer on the internet. I think everyone knows this. So it is an honor that he gives us 9th tier "bloggers" a bone at the end of the year with his "Best Blog Posts of 2008 (As Choosen By The Bloggers Themselves)."

My submission was an attempt to out-Spotty Spotty by taking on a Katherine Kersten column on video games. It seems almost bittersweet to read it now that she's been shit-canned.

Last year, the submissions were alphabetical by blog, putting mine near the top. Unfortunately, alphabetical listing "required constantly consulting the alphabet," so this year he listed them in the order they were received. Since I pored over my blog looking for that post with just the right mix of meaning and humor, I got in late, so I'm down near the bottom. Oh, well.

I suggest checking out the list and reading a few of the blogs. Many are pretty damn good.

Your Better Than 10th Tier leader.

PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!! (Vikings 10-6; NFC North Champions)

Vikings win! They don't call him Longwell for nothing. Six of six from 50 yards and beyond this year.

I predicted 9-7 and in the playoffs earlier this year. Considering the Giants played mostly backups in the 2nd half, I'll call that a successful prediction. We'll see who they get in round one. At home.

And AP only fumbled once today. I call that improvement ... I guess.

Your SKOL VIKINGS!!!!!!!!!! leader.

Merry X-Mas!

MERRY
X-MAS!!

Bonus: "Why Christmas Is Better Than Hanukkah" by Marty Beckerman. (Standard Disclaimer: It's by Marty, so as always it's extremely offensive)

Threw My Back Out Whackin' That Ass Now (Vikings 9-6)

Yeah, so that was the Vikings. My elder family members kept reminding me not to get my hopes up. I guess they're right. At least the Giants pulled off the win last night.

If history was controlled by the BCS.

After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

Computers be damned; Any country can win on any given D-Day.

So, I've been a Minneapolis cop for just over 2 years. Well, crime has dopped in Minneapolis for the past 2 years. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc. (Which, of course, means after hoc, therefore something else hoc) (via Chris)

I think I deserve a raise, don't you?

Your (I can't believe I'm writing this) Go, Pack, Go! leader.

Back To The Water (Vikings 8-5)

A tight victory for the Vikes. My prediction wasn't as good as it might have seemed since I predicted that the Lions would score negative 20 points. While I was later informed that this was impossible, I stuck by my prediction.

Even more interesting was the postgame coverage on Fox. Apparently Visanthe let his Shiancoe loose on national TV. Not that it was his fault, but expect Fox to be fined billions of dollars. I'm guessing letting a penis on television has to be worse than a breast with a covered nipple.

My happiness for the win was tempered a bit when I found out that KSTP radio fired Tommy Mischke. He was the most interesting and original person on radio. Listen to the clips at the end of the story to hear how different he really was. When you're done, check out Mischke Madness to hear more. Then bombard AM 1500 with requests to get the man back. We shouldn't let talent like this go without a fight.

Oh, and it's The Affiliate's and my sextemberversary. I made that word up. She prefers semi-anniversary. I like mine better. Anyway, we've been married for six months. Yay, us!

Your Broadcast Outcast leader.

BANNED!!!!11!1!

Well, I guess the season is over. Most teams don't survive losing their 3rd and 4th best defensive players (Allen and Winfield are the best two, but Winfield's impact is lower than the Williams Wall). And "I didn't know!" is rarely a good excuse.

On the other hand, I still predict a 24-7 victory over Detroit on Sunday.

Your Loss leader.

*UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Apparently "justice doesn't work that way." The Williams Wall will be on the field this weekend. I now predict a 24 to -20 victory. I also expect Pat Williams to have put on a bit of weight since he can't use his weight loss pills anymore.

And It's Slippin' Away (Vikings 7-5)

WHAT DO YA' THINK OF MY DEFENSE NOW?! (YEEEEARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!)

The Vikings have sole possession of first place. That's what happens when you stop a team on 4 straight downs from inside the 1 yard line, then turn around and throw a 99 yard touchdown pass.

Also, the Vikings are undefeated in Hailey's lifetime. We know for whom she cheers.

Have a pleasant week.

Your Happy As A Clam leader.

When I Want Somethin' And I Don't Wanna Pay For It

Story of the week.

Appleton police said residents should be on the lookout for a gorilla head.

OK, that's a great start.

Police said someone took the head off a 6-foot mechanical gorilla mannequin in the parking lot of Balloon Magic. It disappeared between 10 a.m. Thursday and 9 a.m. Friday.

Where can I get my own mechanical gorilla mannequin? Unfortunately, a google search for "mechanical gorilla mannequin" leads mostly to this story, along with an episode list for "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction" that includes an episode in which a mechanical gorilla goes on a rampage. Which may be why the head was stolen from this gorilla.

Oh, but the best part of the story:

The gorilla advertises the fact the business offers gorilla-grams — a gorilla delivering a message along with balloons.

This is the best service offered by any business ever. However, I'm guessing it's a person in a gorilla costume, not an actual gorilla, that delivers the message. Gorillas would demand a union, making them cost-prohibitive.

Anyway, the cops should be checking fraternities at Lawrence University for the goods. This sounds like a good pledge prank.

In personal news, my big toe feels like it's broken. I think I might have gout. More on this developing story as it develops.

Your Ow, Ow, OW! leader.

Happy Thanksgiving

Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh, Baby

I am an uncle!

Say "Hi" to Hailey McKenna (Last name withheld by her request).

Here she is with her daddy:


And here's my Mom with her first grandchild:

I'm guessing Dr. SIL would prefer her "just after giving birth" picture remain private, so I'll withhold it, but Hailey looks just like her mom.

And a song for the little girl:



May the world be a better place for your being in it.

Your It's Looking At Me, Make It Stop leader.

Screwed Us Both Again

So, through a convoluted process that I won't get into, but started with the god-awful movie "Carnosaur" being on at 3:45 am, I ended up on Wikipedia last night. What else is new?

I was reading about deinonychus, the kick ass dinosaur that is represented far better by the velociraptors in the significantly better than "Carnosaur" "Jurrasic Park" than actual velociraptors (which were much smaller than depicted in "JP"). Or so I thought.

They had this picture of what D. antirrhopus may have looked like:

Yes, those are feathers.

In the many years since I have studied dinosaurs, apparently it has been decided that most or all coelurosaurs had feathers. I have known since I was a kid that birds are dinosaurs, and I'd heard that it had been theorized that dinos might have feathers, but I didn't know that it had become so accepted that the main rendering of a deinonychus would be feathered.

Most people still call apatosaurus "brontosaurus," which hasn't been its name for 100 years or so. I wonder how long it will take people to see T-Rex not as a giant lizard, but more like Big Bird, if Big Bird had 5 inch long teeth and tiny arms.

I wonder if Joe Liberman ran for President as a Republican if he would still keep stay on the Democratic Party's good side. It sounds like a joke, but I wouldn't bet against it. The guy campaigned for Sen. McCain. Unless he votes 100% with what the Dem leadership wants, it makes no sense to keep him around. And I'm guessing the people of Connecticut would be against their elected officials doing solely what a party wants. If the Dems don't throw him out the first time he doesn't end a fillibuster, they deserve no support.

The 'Farian has stronger words on the subject.

And Alaska saves themselves from being named the craziest state in the union. The fact that a recently convicted multiple felon facing jail time (who boldly stated that he had not been convicted of anything) came as close as he did keeps them in the running, though. Also their large number of moose, considered by some to be the craziest of all animals. I wonder how the Democrat running the election in Alaska stole it for Mark Begich, who was behind on election night.

Don't write songs about shooting people when you actually shot them. At the very least, don't call them out by name. After all, we don't know exactly whom Johnny Cash shot just to watch die.

Your Terrible Bird leader.

I Am A Fighter Who's Not Made A Fist (Vikings 5-4)

Yes! Tied for first (again). Game balls on defense to an injured Jared Allen and Madieu Williams, who made a tremendous stop on the penultimate play to force a 52 yard field goal attempt, which, of course, was missed. On offense, Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor combined for 337 of Minnesotas 371 offensive yards. Ye-gads!

It was the top on a great day. I got a buck with actual antlers this morning as well. It's a good sized deer, and should be some good eating. I also got to dig around in its guts, which was cool. T. Hussein Mississippifarian should be happy. There are 4 fewer deer roaming Aitkin county today because of my hunting party. Another guy actually cock-blocked one buck. He got the doe as well. So no baby rats deer for them.

I'll have pictures soon.

Your Venison leader.

Closed Circuit to the Minnesota Right-Wing Blogosphere

Ahem...

Alas, Ralph Wiggum loses. Maybe next time.

As I sit here with my promised glass of 18 year old McCallan, I just can't help but picture Mitch lamenting the fact that it didn't rain today.

I'm also shocked that the Senate race is not called by now. I predicted Coleman by 4. I'm pissed that Bachmann is going to win, but I'll live with the fact that she should only have two years until her district no longer exists.

It's an historic night. McCain gave an incredible concession speech, and we can all look forward to 95% tax rates in January.

I'm kidding about that last point. But forced gay marriages are coming, that's for sure.

Your Arab Muslim Atheist Communist Socialist Anti-American Pro-Terrorist Foreign-Born leader.

So This Ain't The End, I Saw You Again Today

I've been hearing a commercial on the radio about a company that, among other things, helps people save their e-mails to comply with government regulations, as well as protecting your e-mail. This wouldn't be interesting, except that the company is call Barracuda Networks.

Someone might want to look into the perfectly named company.

That's all. Back to Fallout.

Your Knee Deep In Super-Mutants leader.

War. War Never Changes

(Yes, that is Ron Pearlman's voice)


Some people have a countdown to the election running on their desktop. Some crazier people have a countdown to a vacation they're taking 5 months from now. Not me.

My countdown is to the release of "Fallout 3." And it's now under 24 hours.

Some people say it's pathetic for a 29 year old man to be excited about a video game. And it is. But I don't care, because at midnight tonight, I will have a copy of the latest installment of the best RPG video game series ever.

The series takes place in a post-apocalyptic future, as might have been imagined in the 1950's. There are giant scorpions, mutated animals, mutant humans, ray-guns and a bunch of people living in fallout shelters. The games take the player through an adventure that starts with trying to save your shelter or villiage. The character explores the strange world that has popped up after the nuclear war, and with humor, drama and a good selection of guns uncovers a deeper mystery that needs to be solved. Solving this mystery usually involves investigation, character interaction, smarts, blowing things up and/or shooting people so full of holes that their skeletons are visible as they fall to the ground.

Did I mention the giant scorpions?

The "level up" system allows you to create any type of hero you like. There are no classes, and between skill selection and "perks" that give special abilities, the possibilites are endless.

Also, there are radioactive geckos and giant monster-lizards called deathclaws.

A while back, I called "Mass Effect" the best game I've ever played. If "Fallout 3" is done right, it will blow ME out of the water. If it keeps at all with the tone and style of the original 2 games, I don't think it can disappoint.

Some have suggested that "Falout 3" will be "Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" with guns. Well, "Oblivion" was a really good game. If "Fallout 3" is true to the series, it will be great. There will be character interaction, humor, and a strong storyline.

If there isn't, Bethesda can blow me.

Your Dogmeat leader.

*Update* Bethesda doesn't have to save it's mouthwash.

If You Wanna Hang Out, You've Got To Take Her Out

It was crack. I'm glad that's cleared up. It made for an easy post title. I love that Dubay used the Randy Moss "someone borrowed my car and left the drugs in there" bit. Let this be a lesson to all. If your driver's license isn't up to snuff, don't carry drugs in your car. Also, never do a drug named after part of your own ass (c. Denis Leary).

Of course, since I'm writing from Fake America, my advice isn't really as good as others'. Here's a woman I assume is from real America, to let us know what's up.



"I can't imagine having a President of the United States being named Obama. I real have a problem with that." That's almost as bad as electing a Welshman!

A mother that was atheist? Oh! A father that was a Muslim. Oh oh! "That should get to everyone." At least she seemed to fear Muslims more than atheists. That's rare.

She says her husband knows the right way to vote. He certainly knows the right thing to tell her.

Thank you real America, for putting your views out in plain sight for us.

In closer real America news, Michele Bachmann made a "misstatement" when she called Barack Obama anti-American. Also, Chris Mathews laid a trap for her. Sure, he did. Why Obama would have called himself anti-American if he were lured into Mathews' dark "Hardball" lair. His cunning question of "Do you think Barack Obama is anti-American?" led Bachmann down a slippery slide into a poll of acidic juices that drowned her and digested her over time ... wait, that's not Chris Mathews, that's a pitcher plant.

Anyway, I wonder if Bachmann told Jason Lewis it was a misstatement when she was on his show on Monday, because Lewis says she was right on, and of course Obama is anti-American, and so are all liberals. In fact, anyone who disagrees with him is anti-American. Especially Colin Powell, that dirty liberal commie America hater (I'm paraphrasing). Good luck, Michele.

Speaking of Jason Lewis; The plague is back!

Officials said York was most likely exposed to the plague when he performed an autopsy on a mountain lion that had been infected and most likely killed by it.

First off, it's called a necropsy when done on an animal. I'm guessing the guy missed this news story from 2006. Pumas have been dying of plague for at least two years, and York maybe should have been a little more careful. So, if you've been playing around with dead cougars (the animal, not dead hot old ladies), get to the pharmacy.

On a side note, I referred to the animal in that story by 3 different names. I love puma concolor.

Your I Retract Everything I Just Said leader.

This Is Our Decision, To Live Fast And Die Young (Vikings 3-4)

Colin Powell endorses Barack obama? Are people wearing hats on their feet and hamburgers eating people? My favorite line is when he just admonishes Michelle Bachmann for this comedy bit.

The Vikings put up a valiant effort against the Bears at Soldier Field, but lost 48-41. Each team individually beat the Over-Bet on this game, and i figured the Vikes would lose by 20, so all in all it wasn't a disaster. I didn't listen to "Vikings Fan Line" to see how the callers blamed this game on Childress, so if you have any theories as to why Childress should be fired because of this game, let me know.

Speaking of Fan Line, I'm guessing Jeff Dubay wasn't hosting. The story doesn't say what the drug was, but in the comments it mentions Meth. Someone says it was 6 grams of Meth, but that would be 3rd degree possession, so I'm not sure I buy that, at least not the amount. I also saw "meth precursors" which means ephedrine or pseudoephedrine (e.g. Sudafed). (That could also mean red phosphorus, but I doubt it.) Too much cold/asthma medication? He was mysteriously gone earlier this year, and rehab is the official rumor. Maybe the speed is to supplement the weight loss program he's been hyping. And stop calling the guy "Puffy," for god's sake; it's driving him to drugs.

I'm guessing he'll be off the air for a while. May I suggest expanding The Common Man Progrum to 5 hours?

Your Wishing Him The Best leader.

It's Not Funny, It's Not Fair

There's a new show on NBC called "Kath and Kim." It's supposed to be a comedy. I was a little worried about that when I saw that Molly Shannon was in it. Then I saw the ads, which made me ask, aren't commercials for comedies supposed to make the show seem funny? I caught the first 5 minutes of the first episode (it was recorded on my DVR after "My Name is Earl). Not a single laugh. Not a chuckle. Not a smile. Nothing. NBC is calling it their newest hit, which I suppose is accurate if you define "hit" as any TV show you air. This bothers me because NBC thought better of getting "Scrubs" for the last season and replaced it with utterly unfunny crap. Way to go, NBC executives.

And now for news!

Man names daughter Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak. Against his wife's wishes, apparently. He says he did it to "get the word out." Get the word out that there is a presidential ticket on which someone named McCain and someone named Palin are running? I think that's out there. That you support said ticket? You say you have a lawn sign. That's usually enough. The name has a shelf life of 3 weeks. Ava Grace is a somewhat pretty name (certainly better than other names growing in popularity, like Aschleigheey). My guess is you won't be having any more kids, at least with this wife. If you do, name the next one Jamie American Red Cross, to get the word out about blood donation. You know, something helpful.

Baby Girl Ciptak could always do this, I guess. I hope Ms. Cutoutdissection(dot)com realizes that many websites stop being active and are often bought out by porn dealers. Actually, I hope she doesn't. That would be hilarious.

105 Year Old Credits Long Life to No Sex. We're happy for ya. I'd rather live to 40, thank you kindly.

And, on a soberingly horrible note, there will be another zombie pub-crawl this year. It's Saturday night, in fact, and somehow the walking dead managed to get me off duty that night. There's nothing I can do to protect you. Good luck, Minneapolis. I'll try and clean up the carnage on Sunday. Just hold on for one night. Here are some tips to help you through the horror.

Best of luck.

Your Properly Horrified leader.

Debate Review

My friends, the debate sucked. To be fair, I watched/listened to only about half.

What I saw was two guys who couldn't follow the rules that they set for themselves. Rules they never should have set. After all, asking a politician to talk for only 1 minute is like asking a cop not to complain about stuff. And Tom Brokaw should be ashamed for how poorly he moderated. .

As far as I could tell, Obama didn't say anything of note. Period. Just platitudes and slogans and blaming McCain for the economic crisis.

On the other hand, John McCain did decide the government would be better than the private market in renegotiating bad home loans. I've wondered why banks wouldn't go ahead and renegotiate a bad loan rather than lose the cash, but Johnny Mac wants the big bad government to just buy them all and hope it works out.

Maybe it's a good plan, but let's stop with the small government BS. And tell me how you'll pay for it. If it's higher taxes, fine, but admit it. Also, he blamed Obama for the economic crisis.

Anyway, no one's mind will be changed, but there's little that will change anyone's mind. The little gauge that showed what the "undecided" voters were thinking kept going up for both candidates when they said pretty things about the American people, and down whenever they mentioned numbers of any kind. Apparently, anything of substance immediately turns off voters.

Hard to believe our campaigns are the way they are.

Your Not So Confident leader.

I'll Be Gone (Vikings 2-3)

It's been a while. I got a new laptop, and I've been playing Spore a lot, making my own creature and raising it from a cell to a space-faring race. Pretty awesome, I must say. (Rumors that I spent $1,000 on a laptop to play a $50 game are, as of this posting, unconfirmed.)

(Addition: Almost forgot the Vikes): The Vikings managed to win a game that was desperately given to them by the N.O. Saints. It's sad to think that Antoine Winfield might end up leading the team in touchdowns. Or, even less likely, Viscante Shianco.

If you are fortunate enough to have HBO, you should check out "The Life and Times of Tim," a new cartoon show. It is about Tim, who is a most unfortunate man. He is put into really bad situations, usually through no fault of his own, and, being polite, has a really hard time getting out of them. One episode had Tim being promoted to Vice-President of his company, but only if he pretends to be Mexican so the company looks more diverse. Another episode had him talked into objecting to his girlfriend's sister's wedding by the presiding priest. Most of these episodes involve Tim saying "This sounds like a bad idea" at some point. The humor is dry, the animation "squiggle-vision" like, and the characters wacky (except Tim, who is pretty much the most regular guy ever). It's on Sunday nights. Love it.

Sometimes, a music video illustrates a great song. Other times, the video is a weird mishmash that has nothing to do with the song. However, it is very rare when the song simply says what's going on in the video.



There's a "debate" tonight. If you're one of the 20 people who doesn't have a preference in candidates, let us know who you think won. Then relax and know that 20 people won't swing the election either way.

Your Take Me On leader.

Dear Chicago (Vikings 1-3)

Forces are conspiring to keep Chicago from playing the Tigers. How often does the same game get rained out twice? That weather maching sure is coming in handy for whoever controls it.

Oh, this should be a great show. Ryan Adams will walk off stage after 2 songs when someone request "Run to You," and Noel Gallagher will stab Liam in the eye. Actually, that sounds like it would be a lot of fun.

Also, our economy is collapsing under us because people decided they really don't want to give CEOs a whole lot of money for stealing. (No link. Not like you can't find one if you really want to read about the horror).

Vikes suck. Nothing more to say, except GO WILD!

Your Sickened leader.

Three Is The Magic Number

Twins lose! :(

But so does Chicago! :)



Yes it is; It's the Magic Number.

Twins In First

The Twins are in 1st place.

This has been another edition of Twins In First.

These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

Well, The Affiliate will be walking in next year's 3-Day. Please give if you are able.

Remember, this is to save boobies. So if have boobies, or know someone who has boobies, or just like boobies, this is the cause for you.

Thanks.

She Says It Hurts But It's Worth It

"My friend, that was an ass-kicking."
- Ozzie Guillen, after the White Sox 9-3 loss to the Twins

And a quick take from earlier tonight:
LappDogg: "What's a hot dago?"
Me: "Milo Ventimiglia"

It's been that kind of night.

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I have a friend who works as a director in Hollywood. He mostly does low budget stuff, commercials and small-time music videos. Anyway, this is a pretty funny commercial that he directed. Note the guy who covers his face with his hand; he was my high school homeroom teacher.



Enjoy the rest of your day.

Your Magic Number leader.

I'm In Love With That Song (Vikings 1-2)

Well, the stone-cold kryptonite lock of the week was right again. Listen, when I attend a home Vikings game, they just don't lose. I think I've seen them beat Carolina 3 times now. Just trust me. Go Gus!

I survived my "Birthday Extravaganza," which consisted of meeting my parents at Grand Casino Hinckley. So, anyone who thought they may have been snubbed, rest assured that no one else was invited either. Everyone bu me won money, which is no shock at all.

By the way, if anyone knows where the casinos get their cut on poker tables, drop a comment in. I'm just curious.

I also caught the Cohen Brothers' (One of us! One of us!) new picture, "Burn After Reading." It is, shall we say, exactly what a Cohen Brothers movie should be. Strange people in way over their heads. Goofy characters with no idea what's actually going on. Frances McDormand and George Clooney. Pretty much what you'd expect if you know their work, and funny as hell. J.K. Simmons may have the best role in the movie, as a C.I.A. higher-up who is not a complete moron. He looks on much as we do, wondering exactly what the fuck is going on, as well as if he is, in fact, the only sane person on the planet. A solid 4 out of 5.

I'd also like to welcome Ms. Katherine to the blogoverse. She's maybe best known as the "Don't Come Back Girl," and since she put her first post up on my birthday, I'm obliged to mention her here. Her first video mentions she doesn't like Dane Cook, but does like marijuana. I thought maybe marijuana had something to do with why so many people like Dane Cook, but apparently that is not the case. Anyway, good luck, Katherine.

(As a side note, searching for "Katherine" at The Cucking Stool was a bad idea. Nothing but Kersten as far as I could scroll ...)

Here's to a 9-7 season, and the Vikings in the playoffs.

Your Overly Optimistic leader.

Happy Birthday To Me!

*Singing* This is my birthday song, it isn't very long. */singing* Yep. It's been 29 years. Here's to five more. (Just kidding.)

I'll first off renew my efforts to make Constitution Day, the real birthday of our nation, a national holiday (so I can get my birthday off). Here goes: The Declaration of Independence threw off the yoke of British rule (that, and the war). But our nation wasn't really born until the Constitution was ratified. So, really, Independence Day was the conception of our nation, while Constitution Day is the actual birthday.

OK. As a birthday gift, the Vikings have removed T-Jack from the starting QB position. I may have been the last T-Jack holdout, but the guy is awful. Frerotte isn't the answer, so they'll have to go out and find a real QB, but it's a step in the right direction. If things don't turn around, Childress should be next. The fact is, the Vikings were always going to be 0-2 at this point. The fact that they could have won both games shows they are close to being a winning team. Fire the coach now, and that's done. The QB position is the weak point on the team. See if a change works. If not, it's bye-bye Chilly.

Target Field is apparently the new home of the Minnesota Targets Twins. While I've never had a problem with the Target Center's name, noe the XCel Energy Center (which is actually a pretty good name), Couldn't we have called it Killebrew Field, Brought to You by Target or something similar? It would still be better than the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

I've been playing Rock Band 2 pretty much non-stop since Monday. It took the World Tour from the first game, which could only be played multiplayer, and made it the whole game. You can, of course, still quickplay, but there's more fun for a single player to customize the band and play all different instruments while moving towards the goal of stardom. Also, all but 3 songs from the first game can be exported and played in RB2, so I didn't have to give up "Tom Sawyer," "Say It Ain't So" or "Won't Get Fooled Again." And you can erase any songs you don't want from RB1, so I'll never have to see "Green Grass and High Tides" again for as long as I live. Awesome!

Speaking of video games, T Hussein Mississippifarian points out studies showing what I already knew. Number 7 in the second link should be of particular interest to anti-video game elites like Spotty:

7. Video game play is socially isolating.
Much video game play is social.
Almost 60 percent of frequent gamers play with friends. Thirty-three percent
play with siblings and 25 percent play with spouses or parents. Even games
designed for single players are often played socially, with one person giving
advice to another holding a joystick. A growing number of games are designed for
multiple players — for either cooperative play in the same space or online play
with distributed players... In this way there are really two games taking place
simultaneously: one, the explicit conflict and combat on the screen; the other,
the implicit cooperation and comradeship between the players. Two players may be
fighting to death on screen and growing closer as friends off screen. Social
expectations are reaffirmed through the social contract governing play, even as
they are symbolically cast aside within the transgressive fantasies represented
onscreen.

So there you go.

I guess I'm being unfair to Spotty. He's from the generation who thought Pong was awesome. Which it is, but it's not the only awesome game there is.

Apparently there's a Birthday Extravaganza! planned for me this weekend. If I survive, I'll see you all soon.

Your Rock'n Me Baby leader.

What Goes On In the Other One's Head?

Whiskey drinker and notoriously Welsh guy DAV has picked up on my new game, before I even announced it. The game is to name the song that my post title comes from. Of course, not every title is a song lyric, but since most are, this should work. The game comes from a post from a while back that I never bothered to give the answers for, and my short lived attempt to identify the source of my titles. This is easier. Every post, answer in the comments. (If you listen to new "alternative" music, today's shouldn't be too hard)

I rode my bike down to the DMV to get my DL and my tabs renewed. The irony of this is not lost on me.

I just spent 15 minutes reading old posts of mine, looking for a specific link. Didn't find it, but damn do I find my old shit amusing.

I stumbled upon a free publication at Bobby & Steve's the other day. One headline touted the media refusal to cover Barack Obama's communist ties. The other headline touted the media refusal to cover John McCain's mob ties. I was intrigued.

After reading further, I thought USA Tomorrow made World Net Daily look like responsible journalism. (That was my money line) After checking the website, besides needing to purge my browser history, I also noticed that many of the articles were written by WND writers. (Damn them for ruining my joke!) Like this one, titled "Homosexodus! Students Flee Forced 'Gay' Agenda." Turns out that teachers can no longer discriminate against gay students in California. While I'm surprised that this law is new, I don't really think it's "mandated homosexual indoctrination" as the writer calls it. Points for the portmanteau "Homosexodus," though.

Then there's this article claiming women are destroying the military and the English language. I think. He took too long to get to the point in his nearly 2,500 word comment. Besides several sentence fragments that could have used some fixing, he seemed to use English perfectly well, despite women's assaults. But the article is called "Women and War," and not until 6 paragraphs in is war mentioned. Then he brings out the old complaints about how wives and mothers shouldn't fight wars. He seems to think Israel's military sucks, which is not an assertion I hear often. He also asks a question;

First, go to the movies. See “Midway.” See “We Were Soldiers,” or “Saving Private Ryan.” There are many others. Pick one. And consider that those movies are just a pale reflection of what war is really like. Then look at the women you know. Could you imagine the women you know doing that?

Some, yes. Same with the guys I know. I'd like Mr. Stang to tell a couple of my female partners that they couldn't do it to their faces, and see how that turns out for him.

Anyway, it goes on like that. I can't recommend that you read this site, but I'm not warning you until now, after I've put a few links in, not to, so that shows what kind of guy I am.

Yep. That would be an asshole who wants to see you suffer as much as I have tonight.

Your Who's Laughing Now? leader.

I Remember Throwin' Punches Around and Preachin' From My Chair

News Flash: John McCain is Against Protecting Kids from Sexual Predators.

What other reason does he have for attacking Obama on a bill that would protect kids from sexual predators? That's the ad I would run, but Obama spokesman Bill Burton had a decent response:

"It is shameful and downright perverse for the McCain campaign to use a bill that was written to protect young children from sexual predators as a recycled and discredited political attack against a father of two young girls - a position that his friend Mitt Romney also holds. Last week, John McCain told Time magazine he couldn't define what honor was. Now we know why."

As for the VP candidate, why is it when Obama suggests taxing oil companies, he's a socialist anti-American, but when Palin does it, there's no mention by the right? In fact, it sounds like he may have based his idea on hers.

Who knows what Palin thinks, when she can't tell the truth about anything. Of course she's getting good numbers. That's what happens when you say great things about yourself, no matter the truth of them.

Palin on the bridge to nowhere: "Thanks but no thanks." - It's easy to say "no thanks" when you no longer have any chance to get the money. Harder when you think the money is coming.

McCain on Palin selling the Governor's jet. "She sold it on eBay. And made a profit!" That one's completely true, except it didn't sell on eBay and she didn't make a profit.

Palin: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending." She could have saved them even more had she not taken extra pay to live at home. Yes it's legal. But seriously, is the salary of governor of Alaska so low that she can't afford to live in her own home?

I gained respect for Palin for her fight against corruption in Alaska, and that was after her nomination. Her own ethics charges keep going back and forth (The guy she wanted fired seems like he deserves it, but all of the testimony is biased). I hope she comes out clean on that. I still don't want her helping run the country.

This is why I don't write about politics much. While her statements may be technically true (She did put the airplane on eBay, after all), they are so misleading as to be totally worthless statements. I'm sure there's a list of these about the democratic ticket as well. In fact, here's one, just to be fair.

Oh, and as for all the talk about Obama raising my taxes, turns out it may not be true. According to this site, I would pay $791 more in taxes under McCain. The Affiliate and I would need to double our income and not have any kids to be better off under McCain. Taxwise, that is.

Your Discouraged leader.

To Leave You There By Yourself

The Affiliate is off to Munich for class. I am alone and the cat is mad at me. The chinchilla slept in his dust bath and refused to get out, even when I asked him nicely. I had to bribe him with a raisin. Nothing is going right, but luckily I have 4 days off this week to whip everyone into shape.

I went to my 10-Year High School Reunion on Saturday. The weird thing was, I didn't remember most of the people, but everyone knew me. I felt like Homer Simpson's description of celebrity: "People know your name, but you don't know theirs. It's great!"

I had fun and saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time, so I'm glad I went. I even got some prestige from declaring that my wife was in Munich, and since she wouldn't have had much fun had she been here, everything worked out for the best.

Spore came out this week. I'm not sure if I'm going to buy it yet, especially since the laptop is in Germany. Also, Mercenaries is out Tuesday, Rock Band 2 next week and Fallout 3 in mid-October. The game world is looking good for a while.

I'll probably be getting the band together again this week, so let me know if and when you're available.

Your "I Alone" leader.

RNC: Day 4

Twitter is awesome.

"From: Anarchist

cops, swat, horses, bikes, hundreds here, we're fucked"

Have a nice day.

(Note: I originally posted from memory. I updated ith the actual message after searching Twitter)

RNC Day 1

Closed Circuit to Bruce: Hi! (In case you didn't hear me during the march)

Closed Circuit to the Guy Carrying the "I Disagree With Several of Your Policies" Sign: Best. Sign. Ever!

That's it. What, you thought you'd get a first hand account? Not today.

Sweet Zombie Jesus

Things have been slow with convention coverage. I did get to watch a 53-6 bee-atching at a high school football game.

This is disconcerting:

(via PZ)

I'm just trying to piss off Bill Donohue. It's not a hobby or anything, but whatever I can do to help.

Your Bored and Tired leader.

Until I Get My Vengance, I Will Never End This Mayhem

This will probably be my last post for a couple of weeks due to douchenozzles who think breaking windows and blowing up cars isn't violence.

Speaking of violence, I'm looking forward to this game. I don't normally like commercials, but every once in a while one tickles me. If you want to make me laugh, take a gangster rap style song and play it in a different style. For example:



In more serious news, I've intercepted a report from a clandestine lab:

On one hand, this could be incredibly scary, especially considering the cat I recently posted about. On the other hand, it is certainly possible that cats always want human flesh. In any case, keep your eyes open.

The DNC is in Denver, so of course in nearby Boulder:

And speaking of the DNC; Your music between speakers sucks. Royally blows. "Celebrate?" "Isn't She Lovely?" Now, the crowd seemed to be enjoying the songs (which made me incredibly sad), but let's spice it up a little. With the recent announcement that the Democratic Party is a "party of faith," maybe Stevie Wonder's "Superstitious" would be a good choice.

And CNN, explain the Noise from the Floor graphic and why it randomly goes up and down independent of the cheers and applause of the crowd. It's really annoying (unless you don't have HD, in which case you are spared).

Your Strained Segue leader.

L'affaire la Fair

This is my 200th post. It only took 2 years and 5 months. Yeah!



What could possibly bring this many people out in Minnesota? Well, it was the most beautiful day in the history of Earth. Or could it be?

Yep, it's the Minnesota State Fair. Home of hot chicks eating corn and weird dudes eating buffalo kabobs.

I must say that a fun part of the Fair is interacting with the media. For example, Amy Hockert is far hotter in person than on TV, even in HD.

Apparently, so is Sven Sundgaard.



Animals are another big part of the Fair. We have a lot of fish in Minnesota, and each type is kept in this one pool. I didn't see any of those creepy Asian carp that can walk on land, so that's a good sign.


Here's a tiny hobbit-horse


There was a bit of excitement when the sheep made a run for it in front of the orchestra conductor.

Run, you wool machines! Run like there's a Welshman behind you!


Those sheep may be heroes to this little lamb.


Oh, all that walking gets tiring.


And no day is complete without looking at chicks.


See what I did there? Yeah, you do.

Well, post 200 was about as great as all of my other posts.

Your 200 More leader.

I'm So Sad, I'm So Happy

I just learned that Snot is dead. Anyone who has been to a Renaissance Festival knows of Puke 'n' Snot. If you'd seen there routine once, you knew what it was about, but that didn't stop people from seeing them every year. This is too bad. May his body never rise up to crave the flesh of the living.

In happier news, I just read that the Rock Band equipment will work with Guitar Hero: World Tour. This is a sign of cooperation and respect between two rival game companies. Maybe there is hope for Georgia and Russia.

And finally, the dream of every right-wing radio nutjob:



Your One Less Bodily Function leader.

He Are The Champions

Well, I can't say it better than Mark Spitz, but Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time. Way to go, and a big atta boy/girl to the rest of the U.S. swimmers, who brought in 29 medals, including 10 golds. As it stands now, the U.S. has 17 gold medals, and 8 of them belong to one guy. Almost half. Amazing.

There's nothing cooler than sitting in a bar full of people who erupt in cheers as an American swimmer wins the 100 meter butterfly by 1/100 of a second. To put it in perspective, it took you a lot longer than 1/100of a second to read this post to this point. So think about that.

Anyway, the Canadian women lost a hard fought soccer match to the American squad, so GO U.S.A.!

Your Luch Time is Over leader.

What's In Your Head?

This picture was brought to my attention by Ganesha at Pubhouse Dialogues:


He thought it might be The Hillock, but clearly this cat is not the size of a small province.

As for the message, summer brings out zombies. Something about the position of the sun and UV rays is amenable to the walking dead. So there's nothing to worry about. Unless the cat lives in the southern hemisphere.

Um, if you live with this cat and you're in the southern hemisphere, please let me know immediately.

I'd also like to take a moment to give belated thanks to Tild for her DiscordianStooge Brand crate label:

Special notice should be given to the "K" on the Golden Apple. That shows deeper knowledge of Discordianism that I would have thought Tild might have. I salute her. Although I don't know where Moe came from there.

Your Kallisti leader.

Didn't I Teach You That?

I'm no soccer expert, but I didn't need an expert to figure out that getting sent off in the 3rd minute isn't conducive to victory. Don't elbow a guy in front of the ref. Especially a German ref.

I did find it surprising that the crowd at the match seemed to be for the U.S.

Well, I can be happy that the U.S. women play Canada on Friday. I won't feel as guilty for watching Canada.

Your Agony of Defeat leader.

I'm A Bad Boy For Breakin' Her Heart

I was not impressed with the U.S. Olympic teams today. Sure, the soccer team drew The Netherlands 2-2, but they clearly should have won and glided into the next round. (Hint: There is an HD-Only Olympic soccer channel, at least on DirecTV Dish Network. Basketball too) I have also become suddenly interested in seeing more of the Canadian women's soccer team after cathing the end of their game last night.

And the girls gymnastics team kept falling off of things. I'm not real knowledgeable in gymnastics, but I'm sure falling is bad.

And while the men's basketball team scored a solid victory over China, they should never lose an Olympic game ever.

Finally, I was surprised to see President Bush appear in front of a picture of Mao Tse-dong during an interview on NBC. I wish he could explain why talking to China is the best way to fight their abysmal human rights record, but talking to anyone else evil is worthless.

Let's see some swimming medals, my fellow Americans, to save the day!

Your We Can Do Better leader.

Update: Way to go, guys, on the 4x100 freestyle. France ain't smashing anything today.

I Wish I Was On The Highway

The Olympics are here again! (My title is a cheat: it's from the song "Olympia, WA" by Rancid)

Go U.S., go Germany, go Czechs (The Germans and Czechs are my people too) and go all of those little countries that rarely win medals. I see Chinese Taipei has already won a medal. Good for them.

Sunday is Handball Day. I can't wait.

Your Global Goodwill (At least for a week) leader.

Crescent Fresh

Public Service Announcement ahead!!!!!

Closed circuit to the guy who needs to get to llama school:



And in case you've forgotten what Crescent Fresh means.



Your Super Cres leader.

Zombie Haiku

This is not entertaining at all. It is horrifying and should be investigated.

Twins In First

The Twins are in 1st place.

This has been another edition of Twins In First.

That is all. (With apologies to Jeff)

Dream Of Californication

Charley Q has a suggestion for John McCain on the VP front. I think it's brilliant, but I'd rather Gardsie stay right where he is.

Since I don't have Showtime, I just started watching the David Duchovney comedy "Californication" on DVD last night. It is the funnies show I've seen in a while, and there are plenty of boobies to be seen. could one ask for anything more?

Dear History Channel: I understand that Michael Crichton wrote a popular book a while ago, but could you help the world wean itself off using the word "Jurassic" to mean dinosaur or, god help us, simply big. Renaming "Jurassic Fight Club" would be a good start.

Have a pleasant week.

Your Working Too Much leader.

Fuck Your Blog ... Wait, What?

Marty does it again.



This could be a great book. I just hope Marty isn't planning to run for Senate in 30 years, because man will there be a lot of fodder for his opponent to choose from.

Your Not Self-Important leader.

Legal Speed, The American Way

I could really go for a triple espresso over ice right now. I'll put a hold on the kerosene and matches for the time being.

Your Caffinated leader.

Attention!!!!111!11

I have decided not to run for Senate.

That is all.

Jump Right Off The Face Of It

I just got my LappDogg Records compilation onto my iPod, and so was reminded of "Sky Diver" by Schtum. Do you believe that there are no lyrics for the song anywhere on the Internet? No matter. I was able to find the video. Revel in the Rock!



Your I've Got to Have Some Hope leader.

Takin' What They're Givin'

The Catholic Church needs your money. They need to replace several bejeweled crosses and rings that were stolen.

Wait. This just in - The priceless relics were found - In a cardboard box in the closet. Well, the church still needs your money to get a new safe and more bejeweled crosses, just like the ones Jesus had.

In more important news, Wal-Mart might have to pay its workers *gasp* overtime. Well-known right-wing radio nut-job Jason Lewis decried the ruling. He mentioned a rape case in St. Paul, and complained that instead of stopping rape, the authorities are going after Wal-Mart for making workers skip breaks. Boo-hoo, he says. Well, Lewis fills in for someone who makes $50 million a year, so I can see that skipping a break for that kind of money might make sense.

Well, for one, the people who look into corporate lawsuits aren't going to be stopping rape. Also, Wal-Mart was mostly hit for making people work off the clock.

Also, she was asked to work before or after she was clocked in. When asked by one of the attorneys why, when she was asked to work off the clock, she did it, Simonson said: "When your boss tells you to do something, you do it."

Jason, you've often praised America for being one of the first countries to abolish slavery. What exactly do you call being forced to work without pay? I know that it's tough to work 3 hours a day. Imagine if when you filled in for Rush, Clear Channel also asked you to do your own show and didn't pay you extra. You wouldn't stand for it. Forcing people to work without pay under threat of losing your job is slavery, and apparently you're not as against slavery as you portray yourself to be.

Lewis hates unions, but this is what happened before unions came along, and it's starting again as union membership wanes. Who could possibly have seen this coming?

Your Good Day's Work For A Good Day's Pay leader.

I'm Voting Republican

Honeymoon Part 2: Paris

So, after London, we tunneled under the North Sea and ended up in Paris, the Most Romantic City on Earth. I figure it's romantic because of all of the collonnes.


How can you not be in a romantic mood with all of those giant phalluses all over the place.

Of course, the biggest phallic symbol of all, la Tour l'Eiffel.

I was feeling a bit inadequate in that photo.

We stayed near the jardin des tuileries. They tell me jardin is French for Garden. Here's a picture of a French garden.

In contrast, here are some shots from the rose garden in Hyde Park in London.

Just sayin'.

Here's us making the garden much prettier.

The Seine, the Most Romantic River on Earth.


Champs Elysee, the Most Romantic Street on Earth.

Of course, inside of the Pantheon is the Most Romantic Pendulum Clock ... you get the point.

The Pantheon was interesting. It's a secular church. The French inter their most beloved artists, philosophers and statesmen in the crypt below. I'm impressed that artists and writers are so revered in France that they are given a place of honor that isn't Graceland. They have great debates in Parliament on whether certain people should be let in. On the other hand, if we had that here, Hemingway would be interred next to Notorious B.I.G., so maybe it's for the best we don't have this.

This picture was taken expressly for Chris.

It was some kind of frozen food shop, not a starship factory.

Here we have the Arc de Triomph.

And here is the less popular Arc de Stalemate.


Of course everyone knows about the exquisite french cuisine. I must admit, this was one of the best meals I've ever eaten.

That's a hamburger patty with an egg on top. No shit, it's absolutely fantastic.

Most people don't know that Joan of Arc turned to stone seconds before she burned to death, and is kept at Notre Dame until technology can turn her back.

Finally, the Lourve. What can I say? I love museums, but not when I can't read anything written about the pieces. Yes, it's in France, but I've seen museums with descriptions written in 20 different languages, so my guess is it's possible to write in other than French.

As an aside, if you can't read French and/or don't like museums, you can skip the Louvre and still claim you went there. If anyone asks what it was like, just say the Mona Lisa was smaller than you thought it would be. Anyone who has seen it will believe you saw it.

Yep. That's it, with half of a human head as a scale.

Well, that's all for France. We actually took about 230 pictures, but I don't have the tenacity to come up with a funny caption for that many pictures. Hell, I wasn't able to do it for the ones I posted.

Your Bon Soir leader.